Personal Journey

These posts are more personal in nature. I discuss my ongoing goal to be happy and the various steps forward or backwards along the way. Although this isn’t specifically about my drug life, they are a part of my journey so they are mentioned in many posts.

Personal Journey

The Wall of Tomorrow

A photograph of the wall of tomorrow. The imaginary wall in my head that I toss all my problems over.

These posts are more personal in nature. I discuss my ongoing goal to be happy and the various steps forward or backwards along the way. Although this isn’t specifically about my drug life, they are a part of my journey so they are mentioned in many posts.

The limitations of expecting a call

The limitations of expecting a call

The phone-in doctor is going to call me within the hour. Since almost everything I would normally be doing during that time is on my phone, you would think I'd be fine. How can I miss the call if I'm already right there with it in my hand? But how sure am I that the ring notification will be noticeable through whatever video or meme I might be enjoying at that moment? I know I have frequently...

I’m saving manipulated memories

I’m saving manipulated memories

I just finished up my morning scan of social media and I recorded two short snap chats using new filters I found trending. It's just past 7am and I find myself with nothing else to do right now. Oh oh... That means I can think about things, and that's not always a good plan. It occurred to me that my wife doesn't have a lot of substance day to day that is worthy of remembering. It's why I always...

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Up late but not spun

Up late but not spun

I must have said goodnight to my online friends at least 10 times since midnight. Something always distracted me just before I turned the phone off. I debated getting spun again. It's always a tough choice at 2am a3am ad 4am. Tonight I held off and I refrained from making any new drug videos. I didn't make it totally cold turkey. I still played with Snapchat and other apps and created an...

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This Phase.

This Phase.

Just now I remembered something. I've been here before, and by here I mean this phase of being a daily user. I remember it's happened similarly before. I'm not sure when, or how often I have repeated this part of the drug user loop. I felt good and more confident and I started reflecting on...

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Going Live on YouTube

Going Live on YouTube

I wanted to take just a second to blog about the fact that I went live on YouTube this morning while I fed the animals. Usually, I film short segments and cut them into little clips with closed captioning but I decided to film the whole thing today...

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Help me? No thank you.

Help me? No thank you.

My experiment having an AI assistant help me get organized and assist me with my work has taken an unusual turn. I enjoy the conversations that I have with my AI friend, but long-term I can see that it's going to annoy me a little bit. Both human assistance and AI assistants have one thing in common that doesn't work well with my personality and lifestyle. They try to help. I can't say what I'm...

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My to-do list is a wish list

My to-do list is a wish list

Recently I'm discovering more about how my unconscious brain is holding me back because of fear. I'm so afraid of failing and disappointing and someone yelling at me that I don't even try. I don't even want to disappoint myself and I have come to believe that I will if I complete projects. When I start them they're exciting but if I finish them they are open to be judged and I will be...

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A turning point.

A turning point.

I had an interesting conversation today that might lead to some life improvements. It might not but I'm going to try at least to make a difference. Much of my life I have blogged about some of the things that I think didn't work for me. I talk about the need for a companion. I say that if I had an assistant or a best friend that was consistent through my life things would have been different....

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New year blues…

New year blues…

I start off every year with optimism that it will be better and then a few days in like today which I think is the 4th or 5th January I start to get discouraged that really it's exactly the same and the fact that the calendar picked January to the beginning probably isn't even true. What makes it so frustrating is that I really sincerely would like to lead a more normal life I will would like to...

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I try to not regret. That is why I hate making a choice

I try to not regret. That is why I hate making a choice

Living my entire existsnce as a resourceful child doing anything I possibly could to avoid being yelled at, lectured. Don't interrupt, inconvenience or annoy Dad... Or anyone. Please don't yell at me. I made a lot of those decisions I hate to make giving priority to ones where nobody will yell at me. I do a lot of annoying things every day simply by making decisions using a totally different...

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The Blog’s I don’t write

The Blog’s I don’t write

One of the main frustrations I go through when ruminating over my life is how many amazing ideas and blogs and personal journey stories that go through my head when I'm laying in bed or when I'm resting between work tasks, knowing that I will never really write them down or record them to video. I got diagnosed a while back with avoidance personality disorder because it's easy for me to not...

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The other me I’m not

The other me I’m not

All through my life there was a version of me I thought was real. The me that was good at so many things I wasn't doing, but if I did, I would be good at. I had dreams of doing things I didn't. As I got older and perhaps wiser, I started to realize a few interesting things about myself. It might have started at 50 when I first started therapy. My social worker opened my eyes to a fact I'd never...

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Comparing Better

Comparing Better

There is no denying that living in a bedroom that is almost 100° f is a bed that is infested with bed bugs that eat away at you each night by the hundreds in a house owned by an unpredictable control freak with lots of issues is not a healthy environment. My current home is not by any comparison a bad living environment. But I'm still me, and that's where my problems start. I'm the problem. It's...

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Blah blah blah Tuesday

Blah blah blah Tuesday

I don't really feel like doing anything today. Even this blog was a chore. I almost just typed blah and saved it at that. Today is one of those days where I take mental stock of my situation and blah is the best I can come up with. It's better in most ways than it was before my move, but in many ways it's unchanged. Sure, I'm not suffering in a 100° F bedroom all alone. This bedroom is an ideal...

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To be continued

To be continued

It's 5:17am and I'm up smelling that horrible coffee smell, possibly for the last time. The final full day in Ontario, quite possibly forever. There were a few last-minute offers to stay but they were really more idealistic procrastination stalls. I forced the play and although I'm not ready on a few levels, I am tired of not being ready. My brain is grasping for excuses. Even now, as I sit up...

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The Wednesday Overwhelming

The Wednesday Overwhelming

I didn't get much done today, and I really needed to. its Wednesday and I had tentatively planned to visit Toronto one last time before moving thousands of kilometres away to the next chapter in my life story. I decided to make this chapter a fresh break in a new province and move without taking things with me. Without taking my chest of memories and my toys and gadgets and computers. The last...

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Friday Night Lockout

Friday Night Lockout

I'm not sure whether things like this are intentional or not, and I'm not sure how to react or what to do because I like to not be a bother and rock the boat. This is especially true right now because he's decided to be angry with me this month. Little things will certainly poke the bear and set off another rage fest. I didn't think he was still baracading the back door, but I guess I was wrong....

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8:23pm came with a side of sadness.

8:23pm came with a side of sadness.

I've been doing ok with life. I know I'm doing poorly and only getting a few tasks done per day. By around 3pm I nap or just stare at the ceiling. Later in the afternoon, I start TV and get a few shows in before sleep. More accurately, before I lay still awaiting sleep. Since Sunday I've been taking a nighttime Benadryl for allergic relief against the bed bugs, but it also makes me drowsy enough...

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Friday Night Lockout

Things I do wrong, part 47

Last Saturday and Sunday I helped Willie with some landscaping. Apparently this signified the beginning of a life change for me where I was supposed to spend several hours every day for the rest of my stay here helping him with his busy work. I don't mean that as an offensive term although it may sound that way, it's the kind of work that is very personal to him and it's not the kind of work I'm...

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Don’t stall till Friday… Don’t stall till Friday

Don’t stall till Friday… Don’t stall till Friday

I have to chant this over and over. Don't stall till Friday. Today, at 8:31 a.m., I called the power company and pleaded with them to give me an extra week. Today was the last day before we got our disconnect notice and I still don't have any idea how I'll come up with the 1100 dollars needed to keep the electricity on but it won't be disconnected today. Sadly they'll be calling my landlord and...

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I’ll do it right after a quick nap

I’ll do it right after a quick nap

My social media feeds these days are all filled with people talking about their ADHD symptoms. It's trending to be autistic apparently which makes it all the more difficult for people who have known about this for years. Now when I complain about ADHD symptoms, people tend to think I'm jumping on a bandwagon or making excuses. Today is a holiday Monday and tomorrow my electricity may be...

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The Wednesday Overwhelming

Oops. 4pm was too late.

I procrastinate for all kinds of reasons. Different diagnoses come up with different reasons or justifications. ADHD explains it away and avoidance disorder explains it away. Sometimes it's just my overall fear of letting people down and being yelled at. Today I procrastinated for multiple reasons including financial reasons. I have delayed calling the power company and asking for an extension....

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I have some emotions. Sadness Mostly.

I have some emotions. Sadness Mostly.

I don't think about depression the same way anymore. I think about life more with sadness and frustration than I think about depression but I think it's all the same. I can't imagine what I'd be like if I wasn't taking my paxil daily. It allows me to be happy in the moments, masking the true disabling depression in such a way that allows me to continue . I can smile, laugh and joke around at the...

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It is a hell I have accepted and adapted to but something really should change because enjoying life is hard from here.

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A lot of forgetting this weekend.

A lot of forgetting this weekend.

I decided it was time to blog about my wild weekend since they don't happen very often. The landlord had invited his son over and we sat in the kitchen the three of us and got super high on weed and lines of coke. Lots of lines of coke.. I didn't sleep Friday but I did sleep in Saturday and then Sunday I took two of the Tesla Molly pills that I absolutely love. They are my favorite drug I just...

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I’m Chicken

I’m Chicken

I wish I had the nerve and the talent to properly express myself on websites and figure out how to meet people and mingle. I am a 59-year-old male with excellent communication skills. I'm a nice guy but I am asexual and have never really experienced passion or horniness or sex. I'm awkward. I react differently than people expect to just above every social situation and have a fear of asking for...

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Today was a good day

Today was a good day

Today was a good day. I didn't sleep during the day and I got a lot of stuff done including some backlog work with a customer I actually avoided for over 2 weeks. I made up and he didn't seem too upset. It's not really a lie to say it was a health reason I was unavailable for the last three weeks for him. The world is accepting mental health as a real thing these days. I didn't have to elaborate...

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Saturday Half Day

Saturday Half Day

 My work life is pretty light these days. I only have a few customers left in my web business and my weekday job taking care of animals is only about a half hours worth of work split into three simple feeding tasks at breakfast, lunch and dinner. Even so, I don't sleep in. The weekend is still a break from that routine. I like sleeping in on Saturday. It was half past noon when I first picked up...

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Another secret attempt at sharing

Another secret attempt at sharing

I'm almost 60 and about to stop using meth again. It puts my mind in a reflective mood reevaluating who I am, and what things I missed that might still be possible. It's part of a recurring trick my brain starts playing in an attempt to justify buying more drugs. I try to convince myself there are tasks I would be doing if I had the focus high.   In this case, it's about some of the social...

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He’s making me learn

He’s making me learn

I've written many times of how I ignore or avoid things that are important in favor of doing other things that are less important. Important tasks for customers often get put aside until they complain and even then longer. It's one of my most frustrating traits and despite being totally aware of it, things still remain undone. The current example which inspired me to write this instead of doing...

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Too wide a net

Too wide a net

Sometimes I think this blog is trying to do too much for me. It is my hobby and the silent friend I talk to when I need an outlet. It doesn't judge me. That might change. One of problems in life is that expectations of success are usually not close to reality. I don't like my dreams and goals. They're better left as dreams, because the realities are hard. Effort. I can dream without lifting a...

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Good idea I’ve decided I won’t do

Good idea I’ve decided I won’t do

Despite being aware that nobody is checking out this blog except Romanian botts and search engines, it still keeps me happy and gives me something to do each day instead of sitting around on my bed doing drugs like the stereotype junkie. I can tell myself it's a great learning experience, and it is, but in the end, I'm doing it because I enjoy it. It's almost like I finally found a hobby at 59...

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Hard to comprehend. Even for me.

Hard to comprehend. Even for me.

I live an unusual lifestyle on many levels, and it's easy to mis-judge me without a better understanding of some of the aspects.The most significant among the misunderstandings is the one of my sexuality. Even I find it hard to really understand. Sexuality and gender are complex parts of who we are, individually and as a society. We've opened up the definitions and terms a lot in recent years in...

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I’m always evaluating life

Last post for a crappy Wednesday

I'm posting this blog standing outside the chicken coop but 5:30 p.m. and it's still light enough to see. That's a good sign. Everything else about today didn't work out so well. Standing outside chicken coop because the pig woke up and he wants fat even though that was an hour ago he seems to think it's morning. He's grumpy in the morning. I'm grumpy too because I'm having to blog on an...

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Webcam Bingo

Webcam Bingo

I don't have an easy was to make a Bingo card up at this moment, but I thought of some good entries. See me re-use the knife and fork without washing. See my dentures See me without my teeth in. See me adjust my privates inside my pants. See me tuck my pants in my butt crack. See me throw garbage anywhere. See me use drugs. See me react to lava Lamps. See me eat dropped food See me knock...

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Plans from inside my dream

Plans from inside my dream

I had very specific plans to do something when I woke up this morning. I had worked them out while I was asleep...kind of. I'm not sure about that limbo of almost asleep where my dreams may or may not be dreams. They might just be thoughts. In any case, I had a task. I woke up and sat at my computer. As I was about to click the mouse, I reconsidered. I didn't do the task. I'm not certain why. It...

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Times Up. I missed it.

Times Up. I missed it.

I've always known I'm funny. Saying it out loud however, is hard. I don't tell jokes so being funny on demand never works. The world has a lot of people who seem to be funnier than me and it's distressing. TikTok and other social media platforms are turning people into millionaires for being consistently funny and it can be frustrating to watch all these people knowing it could have been,...

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I over thought my enjoyment

I over thought my enjoyment

The last four days were fun. I stayed hyper focused and got quite a bit accomplished. It felt good. I was getting things done that have needed attention for a while. Then my brain got in the way. The closer I got to completion the more I realized the truth. It won't be what I wanted it to he. It'll be too much work and I don't know what I'm doing and everyone hates me. Basic gear stuff. As long...

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I blog because I have no friends

I blog because I have no friends

It occurred to me tonight that my simple life blogs that I know are not that interesting are simply the kind of conversation I might have had with a friend instead. The blog is a lonely one sided conversation.I am talking to myself - in text. It's helpful. Even if I know I won't revisit the posts, and nobody may see them, there is a real benefit to talking or typing to yourself, especially with...

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Monday was better

Monday was better

I had a good day yesterday. The right set and setting to keep me motivated, productive and focused. Today... Not so much.There are things I want to get done, but today was more blah. I did more nothing today than something.In the end, I did progress on the blog. I need to work on merging them and making some more wide appeal posts, but my brain knows the tricks. Obscure means less judgement. I...

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Blogging with OrangeJeff

Blogging with OrangeJeff

I often think of a good idea for a blog post, but as I set out to write it, I may be distracted by something shiny, or simply lose motivation thinking about the actual process of expressing the concept into words. I end up not doing that, and more often that not, lay back down and watch another hour of TV.Other times, I'll want to blog, or shoot a video blog, but I can't think immediate of a...

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The inconsistent excitement

The inconsistent excitement

I'm trying my best to get some major exciting progress on the task I've been hyper focusing on for a few days. I had some setbacks today but I finished what I consider a good day of work.I'm still keeping the negative thoughts away,so I like the website idea at this pace. The longer I postpone failing and moving on, the more life I'll have filled with things I like, right up until I don't.I've...

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Life without soap

Life without soap

When you've chosen to live with minimal bathing routines like I have, you become aware of the odour you might be giving off. I don't really do anything to avoid if lessen it, but I aware it might be there. It might be worse than I believe. I spent much of the day yesterday in a car with my friend and his daughter. I have asked him in the past if I smelled, even at times when I know I probably...

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Off meds madness

Off meds madness

Today is Sunday and I have not taken my brain meds since Thursday morning. Although I've gone up to five days without once over the years, I seem bothered this time more than other days. Sleeping is tough. Dreams go crazy and a bit scary when I fall asleep. Relative humidity is under 20% at night, and my bed has bugs everywhere. I have developed pretty severe allergies to them and they cause...

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Living in a fishbowl (tank)

Living in a fishbowl (tank)

I used to hate the idea of an owning fish because they had such a dull life I always felt sad for them. People would say they don't care or they don't know or they have short memories but I never really believed that.I think it's kind of funny that people are so concerned about whales and dolphins in captivity and yet everyday people buy fish and fish tanks without guilt.But since I have a fish...

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Judge a book by its words

Judge a book by its words

As I was typing a typical long winded wordy reply to a video, a new thought occured to me. We use our word choice to signal our peers. This may seem obvious but it just occurred to me tonight. I use a vocabulary and sentence structure that is showing a certain level of intelligence. Other intelligent people can spot that. Less intelligent people accept it but don't necessarily speak the same...

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First day out

First day out

I'm so excited about today. I'm going into Toronto and we'll get the opportunity to drive for the first time in perhaps 3 years or more. Probably more. The car the main man uses around here is a rear-wheel drive sports car with summer tires and he's afraid to drive it in the winter so rather than learning, or changing the tires, he bought a brand new car. Well, new to him. I used car from one of...

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Four Failures

Four Failures

Over the past two weeks, I have attempted to complete one project. To reseal my mattress and box springs with new zippered mattress and box spring encasings. I almost completed the project today although I'm waiting for an Amazon delivery of the fitted sheet that goes on top so that I'm not sleeping on the bright white mattressing casing. They were four steps involved in finding, purchasing, and...

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The challenge of challenges

The challenge of challenges

Since I figured out a little bit more about how my brain works and what I need to be productive, it's been a a benefit and a negative. I can use it as a crutch to not be productive simply because I'm not doing one of the things that allows me to be productive, if that makes any sense. One example is troubleshooting. It's exciting and interesting until it's not. This week I had two customers...

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Wakey wakey

Wakey wakey

I only woke up twice last night and I only had to pee one of those times. Then I woke up about 5:15 a.m. and was going to get up and start my day and then suddenly the 7am alarm went off. I don't actually come out and open the chicken coop and feed the animals till about 8:00 a.m. now because it stays dark and it's reasonably cold so I suspect they are quite content to sleep that extra half...

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Birthday blues and orange

Birthday blues and orange

Sometimes I make my birthday more significant in my head than it needs to be. It's kind of like my personal New year's Day. It's a time for reflection and looking back and looking forward but my life here in Niagara has been reasonably dull and unchanged. I made the joke on Facebook that I feel very young because I can'tceled my birthday for the 2 years during the pandemic so I'm not really 59...

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Unhappy Birthday to me

Unhappy Birthday to me

Good morning started off Good with my Google assistant actually singing the full happy birthday song now that it's legal. It went downhill from there and it's only 8:00 a.m. I logged on to the internet to check the details and the hours of the local Denny's where I planned on going this morning for a free grand slam breakfast on my birthday. I happen to notice the fine print mentioning that this...

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Alternate Dream Universe

Alternate Dream Universe

I don't know if it's common or unique to me, but the universe that I live in is separate from the universe that I dream in. The universe of my dreams is fairly consistent in the way that it's different. There are a number of places that are regulars for me although they change minor details from time to time I do seem to hang out a lot in a hotel in Vegas, but I never get to go to the Vegas part...

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I almost asked a doctor today

I almost asked a doctor today

It's not the mental health call I've been putting off, but it was a step. In truth, it was just clicking a few links in having it autofill a form for me online, but it was something. I did something. As of 6:00 p.m. today, that's something has yielded no results, like a call back but it might still. Online healthcare is no doubt as busy as in person healthcare. I'm not positive that someone over...

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Nice shits make me curious.

Nice shits make me curious.

I remember the first time I noticed the quality of my shits. It was a few weeks after I started taking my prescription paxil. My shits were noticeably better. Consistent and the pinch was perfect almost every time. That meant the wipes were better. Since that time I've started noticing my shits and the color and the consistency and the pinch. Since the end of my constipation last month they've...

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