Personal Journey

These posts are more personal in nature. I discuss my ongoing goal to be happy and the various steps forward or backwards along the way. Although this isn’t specifically about my drug life, they are a part of my journey so they are mentioned in many posts.

Personal Journey

Saturday Half Day

 My work life is pretty light these days. I only have a few customers left in my web business and my weekday job taking care of animals is only about a half hours worth of work split into three simple feeding tasks at breakfast, lunch and dinner. Even so, I don't...

These posts are more personal in nature. I discuss my ongoing goal to be happy and the various steps forward or backwards along the way. Although this isn’t specifically about my drug life, they are a part of my journey so they are mentioned in many posts.

Another secret attempt at sharing

Another secret attempt at sharing

I'm almost 60 and about to stop using meth again. It puts my mind in a reflective mood reevaluating who I am, and what things I missed that might still be possible. It's part of a recurring trick my brain starts playing in an attempt to justify buying more drugs. I...

He’s making me learn

He’s making me learn

I've written many times of how I ignore or avoid things that are important in favor of doing other things that are less important. Important tasks for customers often get put aside until they complain and even then longer. It's one of my most frustrating traits and despite being totally aware of it, things still remain undone. The current example which inspired me to write this instead of doing...

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Too wide a net

Too wide a net

Sometimes I think this blog is trying to do too much for me. It is my hobby and the silent friend I talk to when I need an outlet. It doesn't judge me. That might change. One of problems in life is that expectations of success are usually not close to reality. I don't like my dreams and goals. They're better left as dreams, because the realities are hard. Effort. I can dream without lifting a...

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Good idea I’ve decided I won’t do

Good idea I’ve decided I won’t do

Despite being aware that nobody is checking out this blog except Romanian botts and search engines, it still keeps me happy and gives me something to do each day instead of sitting around on my bed doing drugs like the stereotype junkie. I can tell myself it's a great learning experience, and it is, but in the end, I'm doing it because I enjoy it. It's almost like I finally found a hobby at 59...

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Hard to comprehend. Even for me.

Hard to comprehend. Even for me.

I live an unusual lifestyle on many levels, and it's easy to mis-judge me without a better understanding of some of the aspects.The most significant among the misunderstandings is the one of my sexuality. Even I find it hard to really understand. Sexuality and gender are complex parts of who we are, individually and as a society. We've opened up the definitions and terms a lot in recent years in...

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I’m always evaluating life

Last post for a crappy Wednesday

I'm posting this blog standing outside the chicken coop but 5:30 p.m. and it's still light enough to see. That's a good sign. Everything else about today didn't work out so well. Standing outside chicken coop because the pig woke up and he wants fat even though that was an hour ago he seems to think it's morning. He's grumpy in the morning. I'm grumpy too because I'm having to blog on an...

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Webcam Bingo

Webcam Bingo

I don't have an easy was to make a Bingo card up at this moment, but I thought of some good entries. See me re-use the knife and fork without washing. See my dentures See me without my teeth in. See me adjust my privates inside my pants. See me tuck my pants in my butt crack. See me throw garbage anywhere. See me use drugs. See me react to lava Lamps. See me eat dropped food See me knock...

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Plans from inside my dream

Plans from inside my dream

I had very specific plans to do something when I woke up this morning. I had worked them out while I was asleep...kind of. I'm not sure about that limbo of almost asleep where my dreams may or may not be dreams. They might just be thoughts. In any case, I had a task. I woke up and sat at my computer. As I was about to click the mouse, I reconsidered. I didn't do the task. I'm not certain why. It...

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Times Up. I missed it.

Times Up. I missed it.

I've always known I'm funny. Saying it out loud however, is hard. I don't tell jokes so being funny on demand never works. The world has a lot of people who seem to be funnier than me and it's distressing. TikTok and other social media platforms are turning people into millionaires for being consistently funny and it can be frustrating to watch all these people knowing it could have been,...

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I over thought my enjoyment

I over thought my enjoyment

The last four days were fun. I stayed hyper focused and got quite a bit accomplished. It felt good. I was getting things done that have needed attention for a while. Then my brain got in the way. The closer I got to completion the more I realized the truth. It won't be what I wanted it to he. It'll be too much work and I don't know what I'm doing and everyone hates me. Basic gear stuff. As long...

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I blog because I have no friends

I blog because I have no friends

It occurred to me tonight that my simple life blogs that I know are not that interesting are simply the kind of conversation I might have had with a friend instead. The blog is a lonely one sided conversation.I am talking to myself - in text. It's helpful. Even if I know I won't revisit the posts, and nobody may see them, there is a real benefit to talking or typing to yourself, especially with...

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Monday was better

Monday was better

I had a good day yesterday. The right set and setting to keep me motivated, productive and focused. Today... Not so much.There are things I want to get done, but today was more blah. I did more nothing today than something.In the end, I did progress on the blog. I need to work on merging them and making some more wide appeal posts, but my brain knows the tricks. Obscure means less judgement. I...

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Blogging with OrangeJeff

Blogging with OrangeJeff

I often think of a good idea for a blog post, but as I set out to write it, I may be distracted by something shiny, or simply lose motivation thinking about the actual process of expressing the concept into words. I end up not doing that, and more often that not, lay back down and watch another hour of TV.Other times, I'll want to blog, or shoot a video blog, but I can't think immediate of a...

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The inconsistent excitement

The inconsistent excitement

I'm trying my best to get some major exciting progress on the task I've been hyper focusing on for a few days. I had some setbacks today but I finished what I consider a good day of work.I'm still keeping the negative thoughts away,so I like the website idea at this pace. The longer I postpone failing and moving on, the more life I'll have filled with things I like, right up until I don't.I've...

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Life without soap

Life without soap

When you've chosen to live with minimal bathing routines like I have, you become aware of the odour you might be giving off. I don't really do anything to avoid if lessen it, but I aware it might be there. It might be worse than I believe. I spent much of the day yesterday in a car with my friend and his daughter. I have asked him in the past if I smelled, even at times when I know I probably...

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Off meds madness

Off meds madness

Today is Sunday and I have not taken my brain meds since Thursday morning. Although I've gone up to five days without once over the years, I seem bothered this time more than other days. Sleeping is tough. Dreams go crazy and a bit scary when I fall asleep. Relative humidity is under 20% at night, and my bed has bugs everywhere. I have developed pretty severe allergies to them and they cause...

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Living in a fishbowl (tank)

Living in a fishbowl (tank)

I used to hate the idea of an owning fish because they had such a dull life I always felt sad for them. People would say they don't care or they don't know or they have short memories but I never really believed that.I think it's kind of funny that people are so concerned about whales and dolphins in captivity and yet everyday people buy fish and fish tanks without guilt.But since I have a fish...

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Judge a book by its words

Judge a book by its words

As I was typing a typical long winded wordy reply to a video, a new thought occured to me. We use our word choice to signal our peers. This may seem obvious but it just occurred to me tonight. I use a vocabulary and sentence structure that is showing a certain level of intelligence. Other intelligent people can spot that. Less intelligent people accept it but don't necessarily speak the same...

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First day out

First day out

I'm so excited about today. I'm going into Toronto and we'll get the opportunity to drive for the first time in perhaps 3 years or more. Probably more. The car the main man uses around here is a rear-wheel drive sports car with summer tires and he's afraid to drive it in the winter so rather than learning, or changing the tires, he bought a brand new car. Well, new to him. I used car from one of...

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Four Failures

Four Failures

Over the past two weeks, I have attempted to complete one project. To reseal my mattress and box springs with new zippered mattress and box spring encasings. I almost completed the project today although I'm waiting for an Amazon delivery of the fitted sheet that goes on top so that I'm not sleeping on the bright white mattressing casing. They were four steps involved in finding, purchasing, and...

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The challenge of challenges

The challenge of challenges

Since I figured out a little bit more about how my brain works and what I need to be productive, it's been a a benefit and a negative. I can use it as a crutch to not be productive simply because I'm not doing one of the things that allows me to be productive, if that makes any sense. One example is troubleshooting. It's exciting and interesting until it's not. This week I had two customers...

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Wakey wakey

Wakey wakey

I only woke up twice last night and I only had to pee one of those times. Then I woke up about 5:15 a.m. and was going to get up and start my day and then suddenly the 7am alarm went off. I don't actually come out and open the chicken coop and feed the animals till about 8:00 a.m. now because it stays dark and it's reasonably cold so I suspect they are quite content to sleep that extra half...

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Birthday blues and orange

Birthday blues and orange

Sometimes I make my birthday more significant in my head than it needs to be. It's kind of like my personal New year's Day. It's a time for reflection and looking back and looking forward but my life here in Niagara has been reasonably dull and unchanged. I made the joke on Facebook that I feel very young because I can'tceled my birthday for the 2 years during the pandemic so I'm not really 59...

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Unhappy Birthday to me

Unhappy Birthday to me

Good morning started off Good with my Google assistant actually singing the full happy birthday song now that it's legal. It went downhill from there and it's only 8:00 a.m. I logged on to the internet to check the details and the hours of the local Denny's where I planned on going this morning for a free grand slam breakfast on my birthday. I happen to notice the fine print mentioning that this...

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Alternate Dream Universe

Alternate Dream Universe

I don't know if it's common or unique to me, but the universe that I live in is separate from the universe that I dream in. The universe of my dreams is fairly consistent in the way that it's different. There are a number of places that are regulars for me although they change minor details from time to time I do seem to hang out a lot in a hotel in Vegas, but I never get to go to the Vegas part...

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I almost asked a doctor today

I almost asked a doctor today

It's not the mental health call I've been putting off, but it was a step. In truth, it was just clicking a few links in having it autofill a form for me online, but it was something. I did something. As of 6:00 p.m. today, that's something has yielded no results, like a call back but it might still. Online healthcare is no doubt as busy as in person healthcare. I'm not positive that someone over...

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Nice shits make me curious.

Nice shits make me curious.

I remember the first time I noticed the quality of my shits. It was a few weeks after I started taking my prescription paxil. My shits were noticeably better. Consistent and the pinch was perfect almost every time. That meant the wipes were better. Since that time I've started noticing my shits and the color and the consistency and the pinch. Since the end of my constipation last month they've...

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I wonder why I screw up so often

I wonder why I screw up so often

It's weird. I don't try and make mistakes but I do. More than the average I suspect. Today's a good example. I just finished the 620 feeding of the pig where the chickens get a little bit of bread just to stay away whe the pig eats. As I sit down in my bed afterwards, deciding what they're going to watch TV or not, I realized that it's not yet 5:00 p.m. and that was supposed to be the 4:20...

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4:20 Blog

4:20 Blog

The time is a coincidence and I used it as a title instead of the title I had in mind all weekend. The Sleepend. I'm still not sure which one I prefer but spell check certainly prefers the one that's a real word. Actually a 420 isn't a word of course. I'm sleepy. This is an expected side effect of not doing a drug that normally keeps you awake. I don't crave it in any way except that I'm tired...

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Good Good Morning.

Good Good Morning.

I was woken out of an awesome long story dream by my alarm at 7am. This is an amazing first. I didn't look at what time it was that I was last awake to pee but my first really good long story dream that kept me asleep until the alarm is a new or at least new in the last three years experience. I remember a great deal of the dream although that won't last probably. It was surfaced around being in...

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Sad & Worried -and scared

Sad & Worried -and scared

A flurry of emotions runs through me every time one of the indoor cats gets outdoors. Today it was extra sneaky and I couldn't avoid it. I tried my best but the big fat cat got out. I'm told not to worry as he gets out often and always comes back but lately he's been picking a fight or something with the neighbors. The other two cats get outside just to experience it and they seldom leave the...

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Food addiction

Food addiction

I just ordered a hamburger without even thinking about it. I knew I had enough money to cover that hamburger despite the fact that I don't have enough money to pay the rest of my bills this month. Does that make hamburgers similar to drug addictions? I just did it. It was instinct. Now that it's being delivered, I regret it. I shouldn't have done it. I have food in the house. I just don't have...

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Synchronizing Groceries. New life skill.

Synchronizing Groceries. New life skill.

During the last couple of weeks I have made some judgment errors in my grocery purchases. I have found myself either with not enough bagels and bread to satisfy the amount of meat I have, or I have found myself with too many bagels and meat that has expired while I wasn't looking. I used to buy about four or five different types of lunch meat and three packages of bagels and that would be my...

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Saturday Pros & Cons

Saturday Pros & Cons

I got to sleep in. I didn't of course because I'm still on this weird routine of waking up every hour. I do so with surprising accuracy, often to the same minute of each hour. I am sleeping deeply when I do sleep. I got to detox. That lasted only till 9:45am when I was too tired to do anything. I'm admitting my reliance on meth freely. It keeps me awake and somewhat productive. It's hard to...

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The fridge inventory

The fridge inventory

Only one water before bed is very bad planning. It has to last me till he's asleep enough not to be disturbed by my door noises, walk downstairs, refilling the other 8 water bottles I usually life to keep on the fridge before bed. Especially during this heat wave and humidity issue. Because of my dehydration I've been drinking extra water but I'm going to try and drink as little as I can tonight...

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Fail two was quite bad

Fail two was quite bad

I'm not going to get away without a lecture on this one. I smashed a large pane of glass on his door where the dogs sleep. A lot of glass to sweep up and double check and some pretty deep injuries but I'm glad they seem to have stuffed bleeding. Not knowing if there are any bandages or...

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Sleep may be especially tough tonight…

Sleep may be especially tough tonight…

It was a hot one today. Especially so inside the 10x12 bedroom I call home. It's not well ventilated and due to curious cats, I don't get to leave my door open more than a crack. Usually I leave it closed so I am less disturbed by noises on the other side of the door and they hear less of me as well. I have finally managed to get the old air conditioner to work. It's something I should have done...

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Sunday

Sunday

Every once in a while people shock me and do something I've been trying to do for a long time. In the spring, before the summer heat began, we moved an old weird ass air conditioner into my room. I couldn't get the jammed old wooden window open, so I just gave up on it. That seems to be my thing. I try a few times a few different ways and then I move on and rarely think about it again. Today my...

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Sunday life update

Sunday life update

As of 3:30 this morning, there is a stealth cat loose in my bedroom. It has made falling back to sleep slightly more difficult than usual. Actually, the falling asleep part isn't so hard bit waking up out of my usual sleep cycle routine is the distressing part. The cat makes a slight and time noise about every 20 minutes. I wake to see if is by the door, bit it isn't. Repeat. I can't just leave...

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Friday night in bed by 8pm

I probably won't get to sleep till after midnight but I rest. I had plans to go out tonight but instead spent my money on food a few other things. I'm on a tight budget this month trying to make all my payments without them slipping into next month which isn't as profitable as this month. This is a big check month. [video src="https://orangeshirtblogs.com/wp-content/uploads/wp-1660951105692.mp4"...

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Cheat Day

Cheat Day

When people on a diet want a piece of cake they declare a cheat day. There doesn't seem to be any rule except that all rules are out the window. I've been setting very tiny goals for myself each day but today I didn't get much done at all. It's 4:00 p.m. now and I go feed the chickens for their evening meal in about 20 minutes and I just now sat up and started ticking off a few tasks on the...

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False Positive. It’s an Apple Fritter

False Positive. It’s an Apple Fritter

Glazed donuts often have a timeline of freshness that begins right away. Tonight I was offered three McDonald mini donuts. One was a springle. These are yeast donuts and ideally should be consumed within an hour or three after purchase. I prefer the longer lasting cake donuts which are still great for breakfast. At 11pm when I'm searching for sleep, I remember these donuts will be crap for...

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I did the thing. It was anti-climatic

I did the thing. It was anti-climatic

After staring at the emergency mental health hotline for several weeks I paused a movie and made the call. It's not a helpful number but they did give me another number so now I start the loop again. Whenever I say I did a thing I am reminded of a really cool book I read highlighted here in my featured image. Accomplishing one task can be an exciting big deal if it's taken you a long time and a...

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Why do I make plans?

Why do I make plans?

Perhaps plans is the wrong idea. I set mini goals for each day. Some of them are extremely simple like don't forget to feed the fish. This morning I forgot to feed the fish. Some of them of course are more complex. A task that I see had been meaning to do, a customer project that needs some final work or beginning work. My goals can be almost anything but the main point is I never do any of them...

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The magical door.

The magical door.

Apparently I neglected to barricade the front door after I checked for the mail. It's probably about the 3rd or 4th time I've done this in 2 years but unfortunately it is a hotspot paranoid worry that gets me a lecture each time. He can leave it unbarricated not a problem but if I do apparently one of the dogs knows how to use doorknobs which of course is completely silly because it just is. He...

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Day two. It doesn’t get easier..

Day two. It doesn’t get easier..

Doing pretty much the same thing every day doesn't necessarily get easier. For someone with attention deficit disorder it can actually get more difficult because each day it becomes less interesting and the temptation to be creative and look for ways to make it fun can actually distract and make more mistakes happen. On top of that, waking up every morning gets more tedious, not less. Now I'm...

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Same accident. Different door

Same accident. Different door

So as of 8:14 a.m. on Tuesday August 2nd I am possibly missing a cat, or not one may have escaped outside which is really bad for at least one or two of the cats and reasonably bad for the third. If it's the bad cat and I don't mean bad cat I mean if it's the cat that shouldn't be allowed outside I could be in big trouble both in general for losing a cat and possibly having that cat not return....

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The Monday before I have to pay attention again.

The Monday before I have to pay attention again.

I'm feeling more stressed than I need to be,but that doesn't really help. Then again, my stress has always been pretty mild. Since I go with the flow about everything, worrying about the future is a useless pastime. He starts a job tomorrow that will take him out of the house from early morning to late night every weekday. This means two things. I have the responsibility of feeding all the...

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Late life revelations

Late life revelations

I never actually notice how little I do in life, effort-wise. I have used my intelligence to evaluate every situation and figure out the best way to do the absolute least, while keeping the friend or colleague happy. I avoid anything I can if it looks difficult I just recently discovered how masterful I am at it out getting people angry or if I've done it right, without noticing I get people to...

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5am again.

5am again.

When 3am rolled around, and I was still awake, I blew some pretty video clouds and stayed up. I am dehydrated though, and although I took an ex-lax, it may not work right away-- orvat all for this monster poo blockage. It was a good Monday and I cheated, but July invoices are paid as well as the first week of August. Tuesday is a sleep day and justaybe glorious poop day. Which may be followed by...

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The boy in the box

The boy in the box

I can remember every bedroom I ever lived in. It's where I spent most of my life. Right from age 7 when we moved and I got my first bedroom.I attended dinners and chat with my family as I left the house or come home, but with the exceptions of things like game night, pretty much spent all my time alone in my room. We lived driving distance from friends so I had occasional overnight visitors from...

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It’s Friday already.

It’s Friday already.

This seemed like a fast week. I got very little accomplished and saw no progress on any of my short term goals. No progress to show on anything really. I got high and complained or pondered. It was also a week of constipation, dehydration and sadness. The constipation has a temporary stay, bit it will need attention. It's nearing the end of July and I have more bills to pay with not enough money...

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The documenting of NOW

The documenting of NOW

I would like today to include some good blogging. I have so many thoughts running through my head. My wants sadly, seldome get satisfied this way. Distractions and mood shifts get in the way. I don't like writing about failure or depression. I'm sick. On day X of many. I'm not quite sure how many days it's been since I have been able to poo but it's at least two weeks, perhaps longer. my body is...

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Health Update

Health Update

I have not felt right for a week or so. I thought it was various things but as I sit here on the toilet logging I realized. I've been peeing more than usual but not unloading and solid. It's gotten to the point where it's effecting my thought clarity and focus. I always leave things to the last possible moment it seems. My diet isn't including fiber it seems. Shitty.

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Monday was better

One day, other than today.

There are a few things that I would like to block about. Generally speaking by blog after smoking a little bit of weed. This is the case today. I will not be blogging about any of these serious topics that I really want to blog about because I'm afraid. I don't really have a best friend currently, and that means I don't have anyone to share things with. The most significant side effect of this...

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Happy Birthday Mom

Happy Birthday Mom

It sounds familiar in my head but to be honest I'm not positive my mother's birthday is July 7th. I think it is and they're all purposes, that means it is. I create my own canonBut this post isn't really about my mother. I stopped thinking about them for the most part many years ago.That's probably just as well because I became a hard drug user and they probably wouldn't have been happy with...

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It’s the least I can do

It’s the least I can do

I always found that statement offensive. It's telling somebody you're doing the absolute least amount of effort possible. If I could do nothing. I would have. Around here, I tend to do the least I can. I stay in bed and get up once a day to refill my water and use the bathroom. This week I have set a simple goal. Baby steps each day and by Friday, I hope to have the air conditioner running. The...

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Let me try this today

Let me try this today

I'm always experimenting with life, and better ways to get through it. Today I decided to wake up and stay up like I used to. The sun rolls in and by 7:10 or so I'm up and eating chocolate chip cookies. I'll pick up my phone and go through all my social media, I log into the computer and check the emails. Now it's 8:00 a.m. and I'm tired and I don't really want to go back to sleep because that...

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Checkpoint Avoidance.

Checkpoint Avoidance.

I woke up first today at 6:30 a.m. feeling pretty good. I took my pill and sat up thinking this might be a good time to actually wake up and start doing things. When I woke up the second time today it was 7:30 a.m. and I was still feeling good but the sun was very bright and it made me squint just enough to feel tired and go back to sleep again. I can't remember if I woke up in the 8:30 hour but...

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Being sick in 2022

Being sick in 2022

I got sick last week and am still recovering. Every time a symptom shows up, everyone starts to wonder if it is covid-19? My throat is super soar from dehydration and weed smoking. It Hurst. A nice chicken pasta would be ideal.

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Optimistic Mid-week

Optimistic Mid-week

It's Wednesday and it seems a bit off this week because I was a bit off. I've recovering again today but I've been ignoring the bad conveniences of starting late. My life these days is all about juggling the timing of when I ask for money and when I can expect it. I have never left sending out my invoices until the end of the month like I did this month, bit I also had some surplus to be...

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The Beaver Dam

The Beaver Dam

Others may call it a bottleneck.Take 2.There are so many things in my bedroom, and by extension my entire life that need to show progress. Some are what you would consider simple tasks, but to somebody with my brain type,any of those important tasks all have steps. Somewhere down the line, I see a blockage.Because I know that task seems overwhelming in my head, so it stops all tasks that need...

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I might share this. I probably won’t.

I might share this. I probably won’t.

When the pandemic was not yet fully in lockdown, the company paying me a $600 a month contract concluded suddenly. My rent was $600 a month.In a panic, a couple from my past graciously offered me a bedroom in their home left vacant by their now college age son. Unfortunately that didn't work out as hoped and just before being homeless I found another bedroom to occupy in Niagara Falls. This is...

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