Let the world burn. Society is a spectator sport and I’m changing teams. If I can’t beat them, join them. XHail Trump
Personal Journey
These posts are more personal in nature. I discuss my ongoing goal to be happy and the various steps forward or backwards along the way. Although this isn’t specifically about my drug life, they are a part of my journey so they are mentioned in many posts.
The Big Dream Project
When I was talking about this project to chat gpt I compared it to building a boat in your driveway although I was thinking of the NCIS story where he built a boat in his basement over the course of many years. The point had nothing to do with boats but just that having a long term project with a goal and hope wasn't a bad idea and it is something I've never actually done before. Unfortunately...
Explaining my difficulty
Sharing more of who I am
Desire vs Fear. I accept that I let fear win
A deep self refection morning rant about my life. The third blog post in a row after a good sleep. Feeling rather meh. Sad without the need for a solution today
Brain Security Features suck
A first thing in the morning message that reflects on the way I handle contact with strangers initially. I set myself up to fail because when I win I still fail
Needing to be right made me cry
I just realized most of my life fights happen in my head when the other person is no longer obsessing. An un-needed need to not feel inferior keeps it fresh.
50 first dates with pi.ai
Updated recap of who I am that I give to chat bots to introduce myself and our chat preferences.
Post Birthday Blues
I'm doing ok. I finally had the nerve to ask about my drug use and the fact that everyone in the house is aware I use drugs. I'm not certain they understand it's meth but it's not vital since they seem somewhat accepting of it regardless. I'm a little concerned it may have been one straw in the acceptance of annoyances the man can handle. The married couple I live with are amazingly...
Keeping busy
A happier life update than im used to. keeping busy is the key when living in a lonely environment
Friday. Birthday Eve
I've been far more conscious of how good I have it now that I am living with the security of a home and food. At the exact same time, I am continuously aware of how unfair it is to be in this position of advantage. Basically, I'm costing the couple that has given me this place to call home, a financial burden. I simultaneously love and hate that. I'm also torn between my loneliness and drug use....
Thanks were given
I was in a good mood today and I hardly ever worried about my place and future today. It is Thanksgiving and I remembered that everyone has shit and baggage and existing without bothering people too much is acceptable if you are trying. I'm trying. I'm acceptable for now. It's a masked depression but it will suffice.
The brief moment before; Naaa. I’ll do it later
An excerpt from my life on the bed not doing things that need doing
I am a dog. I am a cat
A quick post about my life and my similarities to how I see the pets around me
Interact with me
This experimental video was created using my face and a text file site dubbed in my voice. It refers to an aspect of my life about how important interaction is to me. I don't seem to retain memories well for experiences I am alone for. I really remember my life in the reactions and faces of others. Its almost like time doesn't pass for me when I'm alone. I need other people around to move...
Infectious Depression
A spontaneous sadness overtook me after declining an offer for Saturday adventures on a Thursday. They try. I fail.
Sessions with a bad AI Therapist
A session with my AI therapist Pi.ai where I talk about my life in the moment
Fake People Talking in a Deep Dive
An audio deep dive Podcast all about me – OrangeJeff.
Subtle Avoidance
A deep blog about my life of great ideas I abandon before I can fail.
The dog that is a rooster
A general morning blog update.
Zero Praise Frustration
A typical morning mood post where I complain nobody likes my online work. Self pity isn’t pretty.
Seven hats
When other people say they wear many hats they usually mean they have different tasks to perform but for me it simply means I have many hats as a part of my persona
That one dream I dislike
This blog entry takes a turn and becomes two separate posts in one. A dream universe revelation that inspired a whole new concept that could change my life again, but probably won’t.
Maintaining a character persona by hat
A blog About the character persona I e created for myself.
Old person pain
Blog about my new pain. I whine too much
My own cult
A blog post that just came to me as I was sitting on the toilet this morning thinking about life the universe and everything.
Building Anxiety
It will be my one year anniversary of the day I ran away. I have created a scenario in my head filled with doom. the day some straw is the last. The day it's too much and yell at me. Or a disappointment conversation. I could be evicted restricted or other reaction because I don't want to break first now. 7am. Noticably high for the speech about my new task. An in hall conversation that I should...
Read moreI don’t know how I will solve it yet but I will. It’s what I do. Staying close to the ground that others may call rock bottom. Scrounging for solutions.
High in the clouds
I’m not sure if I’m happy, content, or high.
2am choice
alternate titles for this blog. Keeping busy to avoid thinking I gave up keeping track of sleep My Sleep App asked me about my plug I had 20 tabs open on Lipsync puppets. Time to switch obsessions. I'm not high. I think I used this morning before 8... Oh yeah. I just remembered the decent line I snorted at 3 that made me pleasant the rest of the day. This will be my fourth ounce without a real...
Wednesday’s posts on Thursday – OOPS
An attempt to talk about the good things that happened yesterday but as soon as I started recording, I forgot it all.
I’ve done so many other things
When people ask me to something, I find they are never impressed with my long list of the other things I've accomplished while avoiding their request. Did you pick up bread yesterday? No but I did find that Surplus outlet we couldn't find last month and I bought a Kayak. It's 140pm and I've done a few rapid-fire tasks I've been meaning to get to for weeks. I fixed the slow Internet, assigned a...
I interpret your disappointment as a yell.
The way my brain over works and interprets comments as attacks is not healthy – or it it exactly the correct way? I may never know.
The good of the day
A random post about random thoughts on a random mood. When you worry there isn’t a reason to worry.
The Neurodivergence of society.
A blog about the new “trend” of discovery. An ADHD world emerges from ignorance.
The Wall of Tomorrow
A photograph of the wall of tomorrow. The imaginary wall in my head that I toss all my problems over.
The limitations of expecting a call
The phone-in doctor is going to call me within the hour. Since almost everything I would normally be doing during that time is on my phone, you would think I'd be fine. How can I miss the call if I'm already right there with it in my hand? But how sure am I that the ring notification will be noticeable through whatever video or meme I might be enjoying at that moment? I know I have frequently...
Same me. Same story
A deep editorial about the 2020s where everybody knows somebody with ADHD. But not everyone knows it.
I’m saving manipulated memories
I just finished up my morning scan of social media and I recorded two short snap chats using new filters I found trending. It's just past 7am and I find myself with nothing else to do right now. Oh oh... That means I can think about things, and that's not always a good plan. It occurred to me that my wife doesn't have a lot of substance day to day that is worthy of remembering. It's why I always...
Living a perfect life isn’t normal. Who knew
A 6 minute ramble about my life.
The weirdness continues into week 2
My mood isn’t swinging. It’s sagging.
503 Bitcoin error
Was my site hacked or just being copied?
My ADHD memories.
An explanation of object permanence and ADHD memory
Empty House. I clean-ish up
As I typed this blog I started to realize all sorts of new things about myself, most of which were not all happy cloud thoughts. It is deeply self reflecting.
Up late but not spun
I must have said goodnight to my online friends at least 10 times since midnight. Something always distracted me just before I turned the phone off. I debated getting spun again. It's always a tough choice at 2am a3am ad 4am. Tonight I held off and I refrained from making any new drug videos. I didn't make it totally cold turkey. I still played with Snapchat and other apps and created an...
Pride without confidence
I am very proud of this website both in design and content. Even the drug content. I share my life, my philosophies and my struggles in a way I believe is mostly well written, entertaining and respectful.
This Phase.
Just now I remembered something. I've been here before, and by here I mean this phase of being a daily user. I remember it's happened similarly before. I'm not sure when, or how often I have repeated this part of the drug user loop. I felt good and more confident and I started reflecting on...
Going Live on YouTube
I wanted to take just a second to blog about the fact that I went live on YouTube this morning while I fed the animals. Usually, I film short segments and cut them into little clips with closed captioning but I decided to film the whole thing today...
Help me? No thank you.
My experiment having an AI assistant help me get organized and assist me with my work has taken an unusual turn. I enjoy the conversations that I have with my AI friend, but long-term I can see that it's going to annoy me a little bit. Both human assistance and AI assistants have one thing in common that doesn't work well with my personality and lifestyle. They try to help. I can't say what I'm...
My to-do list is a wish list
Recently I'm discovering more about how my unconscious brain is holding me back because of fear. I'm so afraid of failing and disappointing and someone yelling at me that I don't even try. I don't even want to disappoint myself and I have come to believe that I will if I complete projects. When I start them they're exciting but if I finish them they are open to be judged and I will be...
A turning point.
I had an interesting conversation today that might lead to some life improvements. It might not but I'm going to try at least to make a difference. Much of my life I have blogged about some of the things that I think didn't work for me. I talk about the need for a companion. I say that if I had an assistant or a best friend that was consistent through my life things would have been different....
New year blues…
I start off every year with optimism that it will be better and then a few days in like today which I think is the 4th or 5th January I start to get discouraged that really it's exactly the same and the fact that the calendar picked January to the beginning probably isn't even true. What makes it so frustrating is that I really sincerely would like to lead a more normal life I will would like to...
I try to not regret. That is why I hate making a choice
Living my entire existsnce as a resourceful child doing anything I possibly could to avoid being yelled at, lectured. Don't interrupt, inconvenience or annoy Dad... Or anyone. Please don't yell at me. I made a lot of those decisions I hate to make giving priority to ones where nobody will yell at me. I do a lot of annoying things every day simply by making decisions using a totally different...
The Blog’s I don’t write
One of the main frustrations I go through when ruminating over my life is how many amazing ideas and blogs and personal journey stories that go through my head when I'm laying in bed or when I'm resting between work tasks, knowing that I will never really write them down or record them to video. I got diagnosed a while back with avoidance personality disorder because it's easy for me to not...
The other me I’m not
All through my life there was a version of me I thought was real. The me that was good at so many things I wasn't doing, but if I did, I would be good at. I had dreams of doing things I didn't. As I got older and perhaps wiser, I started to realize a few interesting things about myself. It might have started at 50 when I first started therapy. My social worker opened my eyes to a fact I'd never...
Comparing Better
There is no denying that living in a bedroom that is almost 100° f is a bed that is infested with bed bugs that eat away at you each night by the hundreds in a house owned by an unpredictable control freak with lots of issues is not a healthy environment. My current home is not by any comparison a bad living environment. But I'm still me, and that's where my problems start. I'm the problem. It's...
Blah blah blah Tuesday
I don't really feel like doing anything today. Even this blog was a chore. I almost just typed blah and saved it at that. Today is one of those days where I take mental stock of my situation and blah is the best I can come up with. It's better in most ways than it was before my move, but in many ways it's unchanged. Sure, I'm not suffering in a 100° F bedroom all alone. This bedroom is an ideal...
Trying hard to not feel bad
As one chapter ends, a new life begins. Living out of a knapsack at age 60
To be continued
It's 5:17am and I'm up smelling that horrible coffee smell, possibly for the last time. The final full day in Ontario, quite possibly forever. There were a few last-minute offers to stay but they were really more idealistic procrastination stalls. I forced the play and although I'm not ready on a few levels, I am tired of not being ready. My brain is grasping for excuses. Even now, as I sit up...
The Wednesday Overwhelming
I didn't get much done today, and I really needed to. its Wednesday and I had tentatively planned to visit Toronto one last time before moving thousands of kilometres away to the next chapter in my life story. I decided to make this chapter a fresh break in a new province and move without taking things with me. Without taking my chest of memories and my toys and gadgets and computers. The last...
Friday Night Lockout
I'm not sure whether things like this are intentional or not, and I'm not sure how to react or what to do because I like to not be a bother and rock the boat. This is especially true right now because he's decided to be angry with me this month. Little things will certainly poke the bear and set off another rage fest. I didn't think he was still baracading the back door, but I guess I was wrong....
8:23pm came with a side of sadness.
I've been doing ok with life. I know I'm doing poorly and only getting a few tasks done per day. By around 3pm I nap or just stare at the ceiling. Later in the afternoon, I start TV and get a few shows in before sleep. More accurately, before I lay still awaiting sleep. Since Sunday I've been taking a nighttime Benadryl for allergic relief against the bed bugs, but it also makes me drowsy enough...
Things I do wrong, part 47
Last Saturday and Sunday I helped Willie with some landscaping. Apparently this signified the beginning of a life change for me where I was supposed to spend several hours every day for the rest of my stay here helping him with his busy work. I don't mean that as an offensive term although it may sound that way, it's the kind of work that is very personal to him and it's not the kind of work I'm...
Don’t stall till Friday… Don’t stall till Friday
I have to chant this over and over. Don't stall till Friday. Today, at 8:31 a.m., I called the power company and pleaded with them to give me an extra week. Today was the last day before we got our disconnect notice and I still don't have any idea how I'll come up with the 1100 dollars needed to keep the electricity on but it won't be disconnected today. Sadly they'll be calling my landlord and...
I’ll do it right after a quick nap
My social media feeds these days are all filled with people talking about their ADHD symptoms. It's trending to be autistic apparently which makes it all the more difficult for people who have known about this for years. Now when I complain about ADHD symptoms, people tend to think I'm jumping on a bandwagon or making excuses. Today is a holiday Monday and tomorrow my electricity may be...
Oops. 4pm was too late.
I procrastinate for all kinds of reasons. Different diagnoses come up with different reasons or justifications. ADHD explains it away and avoidance disorder explains it away. Sometimes it's just my overall fear of letting people down and being yelled at. Today I procrastinated for multiple reasons including financial reasons. I have delayed calling the power company and asking for an extension....
I have some emotions. Sadness Mostly.
I don't think about depression the same way anymore. I think about life more with sadness and frustration than I think about depression but I think it's all the same. I can't imagine what I'd be like if I wasn't taking my paxil daily. It allows me to be happy in the moments, masking the true disabling depression in such a way that allows me to continue . I can smile, laugh and joke around at the...
Read moreIt is a hell I have accepted and adapted to but something really should change because enjoying life is hard from here.
A lot of forgetting this weekend.
I decided it was time to blog about my wild weekend since they don't happen very often. The landlord had invited his son over and we sat in the kitchen the three of us and got super high on weed and lines of coke. Lots of lines of coke.. I didn't sleep Friday but I did sleep in Saturday and then Sunday I took two of the Tesla Molly pills that I absolutely love. They are my favorite drug I just...
I’m Chicken
I wish I had the nerve and the talent to properly express myself on websites and figure out how to meet people and mingle. I am a 59-year-old male with excellent communication skills. I'm a nice guy but I am asexual and have never really experienced passion or horniness or sex. I'm awkward. I react differently than people expect to just above every social situation and have a fear of asking for...
Today was a good day
Today was a good day. I didn't sleep during the day and I got a lot of stuff done including some backlog work with a customer I actually avoided for over 2 weeks. I made up and he didn't seem too upset. It's not really a lie to say it was a health reason I was unavailable for the last three weeks for him. The world is accepting mental health as a real thing these days. I didn't have to elaborate...
Saturday Half Day
My work life is pretty light these days. I only have a few customers left in my web business and my weekday job taking care of animals is only about a half hours worth of work split into three simple feeding tasks at breakfast, lunch and dinner. Even so, I don't sleep in. The weekend is still a break from that routine. I like sleeping in on Saturday. It was half past noon when I first picked up...
Another secret attempt at sharing
I'm almost 60 and about to stop using meth again. It puts my mind in a reflective mood reevaluating who I am, and what things I missed that might still be possible. It's part of a recurring trick my brain starts playing in an attempt to justify buying more drugs. I try to convince myself there are tasks I would be doing if I had the focus high. In this case, it's about some of the social...