These posts are more personal in nature. I discuss my ongoing goal to be happy and the various steps forward or backwards along the way. Although this isn’t specifically about my drug life, they are a part of my journey so they are mentioned in many posts.
These posts are more personal in nature. I discuss my ongoing goal to be happy and the various steps forward or backwards along the way. Although this isn’t specifically about my drug life, they are a part of my journey so they are mentioned in many posts.
I don't really feel like doing anything today. Even this blog was a chore. I almost just typed blah and saved it at that. Today is one of those days where I take mental stock of my situation and blah is the best I can come up with. It's better in most ways than it was...
As one chapter ends, a new life begins. Living out of a knapsack at age 60
It's 5:17am and I'm up smelling that horrible coffee smell, possibly for the last time. The final full day in Ontario, quite possibly forever. There were a few last-minute offers to stay but they were really more idealistic procrastination stalls. I forced the play and although I'm not ready on a few levels, I am tired of not being ready. My brain is grasping for excuses. Even now, as I sit up...
I didn't get much done today, and I really needed to. its Wednesday and I had tentatively planned to visit Toronto one last time before moving thousands of kilometres away to the next chapter in my life story. I decided to make this chapter a fresh break in a new province and move without taking things with me. Without taking my chest of memories and my toys and gadgets and computers. The last...
I'm not sure whether things like this are intentional or not, and I'm not sure how to react or what to do because I like to not be a bother and rock the boat. This is especially true right now because he's decided to be angry with me this month. Little things will certainly poke the bear and set off another rage fest. I didn't think he was still baracading the back door, but I guess I was wrong....
I've been doing ok with life. I know I'm doing poorly and only getting a few tasks done per day. By around 3pm I nap or just stare at the ceiling. Later in the afternoon, I start TV and get a few shows in before sleep. More accurately, before I lay still awaiting sleep. Since Sunday I've been taking a nighttime Benadryl for allergic relief against the bed bugs, but it also makes me drowsy enough...
Last Saturday and Sunday I helped Willie with some landscaping. Apparently this signified the beginning of a life change for me where I was supposed to spend several hours every day for the rest of my stay here helping him with his busy work. I don't mean that as an offensive term although it may sound that way, it's the kind of work that is very personal to him and it's not the kind of work I'm...
I have to chant this over and over. Don't stall till Friday. Today, at 8:31 a.m., I called the power company and pleaded with them to give me an extra week. Today was the last day before we got our disconnect notice and I still don't have any idea how I'll come up with the 1100 dollars needed to keep the electricity on but it won't be disconnected today. Sadly they'll be calling my landlord and...
My social media feeds these days are all filled with people talking about their ADHD symptoms. It's trending to be autistic apparently which makes it all the more difficult for people who have known about this for years. Now when I complain about ADHD symptoms, people tend to think I'm jumping on a bandwagon or making excuses. Today is a holiday Monday and tomorrow my electricity may be...
I procrastinate for all kinds of reasons. Different diagnoses come up with different reasons or justifications. ADHD explains it away and avoidance disorder explains it away. Sometimes it's just my overall fear of letting people down and being yelled at. Today I procrastinated for multiple reasons including financial reasons. I have delayed calling the power company and asking for an extension....
I don't think about depression the same way anymore. I think about life more with sadness and frustration than I think about depression but I think it's all the same. I can't imagine what I'd be like if I wasn't taking my paxil daily. It allows me to be happy in the moments, masking the true disabling depression in such a way that allows me to continue . I can smile, laugh and joke around at the...
Read moreIt is a hell I have accepted and adapted to but something really should change because enjoying life is hard from here.
I decided it was time to blog about my wild weekend since they don't happen very often. The landlord had invited his son over and we sat in the kitchen the three of us and got super high on weed and lines of coke. Lots of lines of coke.. I didn't sleep Friday but I did sleep in Saturday and then Sunday I took two of the Tesla Molly pills that I absolutely love. They are my favorite drug I just...
I wish I had the nerve and the talent to properly express myself on websites and figure out how to meet people and mingle. I am a 59-year-old male with excellent communication skills. I'm a nice guy but I am asexual and have never really experienced passion or horniness or sex. I'm awkward. I react differently than people expect to just above every social situation and have a fear of asking for...
Today was a good day. I didn't sleep during the day and I got a lot of stuff done including some backlog work with a customer I actually avoided for over 2 weeks. I made up and he didn't seem too upset. It's not really a lie to say it was a health reason I was unavailable for the last three weeks for him. The world is accepting mental health as a real thing these days. I didn't have to elaborate...
 My work life is pretty light these days. I only have a few customers left in my web business and my weekday job taking care of animals is only about a half hours worth of work split into three simple feeding tasks at breakfast, lunch and dinner. Even so, I don't sleep in. The weekend is still a break from that routine. I like sleeping in on Saturday. It was half past noon when I first picked up...
I'm almost 60 and about to stop using meth again. It puts my mind in a reflective mood reevaluating who I am, and what things I missed that might still be possible. It's part of a recurring trick my brain starts playing in an attempt to justify buying more drugs. I try to convince myself there are tasks I would be doing if I had the focus high. In this case, it's about some of the social...
Every now and then, for a brief moment, I reflect on the negative aspects of my situation instead of living in the positive thoughts. This is one of those moments.
I've written many times of how I ignore or avoid things that are important in favor of doing other things that are less important. Important tasks for customers often get put aside until they complain and even then longer. It's one of my most frustrating traits and despite being totally aware of it, things still remain undone. The current example which inspired me to write this instead of doing...
There’s something strange about the idea of being supervised or watched that changes the way we react. Apparently this is true all the way down to microbiology.
Sometimes I think this blog is trying to do too much for me. It is my hobby and the silent friend I talk to when I need an outlet. It doesn't judge me. That might change. One of problems in life is that expectations of success are usually not close to reality. I don't like my dreams and goals. They're better left as dreams, because the realities are hard. Effort. I can dream without lifting a...
Despite being aware that nobody is checking out this blog except Romanian botts and search engines, it still keeps me happy and gives me something to do each day instead of sitting around on my bed doing drugs like the stereotype junkie. I can tell myself it's a great learning experience, and it is, but in the end, I'm doing it because I enjoy it. It's almost like I finally found a hobby at 59...
Good morning after a big fight doesn’t feel as happy as I would like.
New friends can be a joy and simultaneously such a stress.
Daily affirmations are not for me… I do like the idea of a daily routine however
I live an unusual lifestyle on many levels, and it's easy to mis-judge me without a better understanding of some of the aspects.The most significant among the misunderstandings is the one of my sexuality. Even I find it hard to really understand. Sexuality and gender are complex parts of who we are, individually and as a society. We've opened up the definitions and terms a lot in recent years in...
A brief evaluation of my current situation.
I'm posting this blog standing outside the chicken coop but 5:30 p.m. and it's still light enough to see. That's a good sign. Everything else about today didn't work out so well. Standing outside chicken coop because the pig woke up and he wants fat even though that was an hour ago he seems to think it's morning. He's grumpy in the morning. I'm grumpy too because I'm having to blog on an...
It turned out today was not the start of my new year. Maybe tomorrow.
I don't have an easy was to make a Bingo card up at this moment, but I thought of some good entries. See me re-use the knife and fork without washing. See my dentures See me without my teeth in. See me adjust my privates inside my pants. See me tuck my pants in my butt crack. See me throw garbage anywhere. See me use drugs. See me react to lava Lamps. See me eat dropped food See me knock...
A new beginning of self discovery and blogging… Until it’s not.
An excerpt from my life story. One day.
I had very specific plans to do something when I woke up this morning. I had worked them out while I was asleep...kind of. I'm not sure about that limbo of almost asleep where my dreams may or may not be dreams. They might just be thoughts. In any case, I had a task. I woke up and sat at my computer. As I was about to click the mouse, I reconsidered. I didn't do the task. I'm not certain why. It...
I've always known I'm funny. Saying it out loud however, is hard. I don't tell jokes so being funny on demand never works. The world has a lot of people who seem to be funnier than me and it's distressing. TikTok and other social media platforms are turning people into millionaires for being consistently funny and it can be frustrating to watch all these people knowing it could have been,...
The last four days were fun. I stayed hyper focused and got quite a bit accomplished. It felt good. I was getting things done that have needed attention for a while. Then my brain got in the way. The closer I got to completion the more I realized the truth. It won't be what I wanted it to he. It'll be too much work and I don't know what I'm doing and everyone hates me. Basic gear stuff. As long...
It occurred to me tonight that my simple life blogs that I know are not that interesting are simply the kind of conversation I might have had with a friend instead. The blog is a lonely one sided conversation.I am talking to myself - in text. It's helpful. Even if I know I won't revisit the posts, and nobody may see them, there is a real benefit to talking or typing to yourself, especially with...
I had a good day yesterday. The right set and setting to keep me motivated, productive and focused. Today... Not so much.There are things I want to get done, but today was more blah. I did more nothing today than something.In the end, I did progress on the blog. I need to work on merging them and making some more wide appeal posts, but my brain knows the tricks. Obscure means less judgement. I...
I often think of a good idea for a blog post, but as I set out to write it, I may be distracted by something shiny, or simply lose motivation thinking about the actual process of expressing the concept into words. I end up not doing that, and more often that not, lay back down and watch another hour of TV.Other times, I'll want to blog, or shoot a video blog, but I can't think immediate of a...
I'm trying my best to get some major exciting progress on the task I've been hyper focusing on for a few days. I had some setbacks today but I finished what I consider a good day of work.I'm still keeping the negative thoughts away,so I like the website idea at this pace. The longer I postpone failing and moving on, the more life I'll have filled with things I like, right up until I don't.I've...
When you've chosen to live with minimal bathing routines like I have, you become aware of the odour you might be giving off. I don't really do anything to avoid if lessen it, but I aware it might be there. It might be worse than I believe. I spent much of the day yesterday in a car with my friend and his daughter. I have asked him in the past if I smelled, even at times when I know I probably...
Today is Sunday and I have not taken my brain meds since Thursday morning. Although I've gone up to five days without once over the years, I seem bothered this time more than other days. Sleeping is tough. Dreams go crazy and a bit scary when I fall asleep. Relative humidity is under 20% at night, and my bed has bugs everywhere. I have developed pretty severe allergies to them and they cause...
I used to hate the idea of an owning fish because they had such a dull life I always felt sad for them. People would say they don't care or they don't know or they have short memories but I never really believed that.I think it's kind of funny that people are so concerned about whales and dolphins in captivity and yet everyday people buy fish and fish tanks without guilt.But since I have a fish...
As I was typing a typical long winded wordy reply to a video, a new thought occured to me. We use our word choice to signal our peers. This may seem obvious but it just occurred to me tonight. I use a vocabulary and sentence structure that is showing a certain level of intelligence. Other intelligent people can spot that. Less intelligent people accept it but don't necessarily speak the same...
I'm so excited about today. I'm going into Toronto and we'll get the opportunity to drive for the first time in perhaps 3 years or more. Probably more. The car the main man uses around here is a rear-wheel drive sports car with summer tires and he's afraid to drive it in the winter so rather than learning, or changing the tires, he bought a brand new car. Well, new to him. I used car from one of...
Over the past two weeks, I have attempted to complete one project. To reseal my mattress and box springs with new zippered mattress and box spring encasings. I almost completed the project today although I'm waiting for an Amazon delivery of the fitted sheet that goes on top so that I'm not sleeping on the bright white mattressing casing. They were four steps involved in finding, purchasing, and...
Since I figured out a little bit more about how my brain works and what I need to be productive, it's been a a benefit and a negative. I can use it as a crutch to not be productive simply because I'm not doing one of the things that allows me to be productive, if that makes any sense. One example is troubleshooting. It's exciting and interesting until it's not. This week I had two customers...
I only woke up twice last night and I only had to pee one of those times. Then I woke up about 5:15 a.m. and was going to get up and start my day and then suddenly the 7am alarm went off. I don't actually come out and open the chicken coop and feed the animals till about 8:00 a.m. now because it stays dark and it's reasonably cold so I suspect they are quite content to sleep that extra half...
Sometimes I make my birthday more significant in my head than it needs to be. It's kind of like my personal New year's Day. It's a time for reflection and looking back and looking forward but my life here in Niagara has been reasonably dull and unchanged. I made the joke on Facebook that I feel very young because I can'tceled my birthday for the 2 years during the pandemic so I'm not really 59...
Good morning started off Good with my Google assistant actually singing the full happy birthday song now that it's legal. It went downhill from there and it's only 8:00 a.m. I logged on to the internet to check the details and the hours of the local Denny's where I planned on going this morning for a free grand slam breakfast on my birthday. I happen to notice the fine print mentioning that this...
I don't know if it's common or unique to me, but the universe that I live in is separate from the universe that I dream in. The universe of my dreams is fairly consistent in the way that it's different. There are a number of places that are regulars for me although they change minor details from time to time I do seem to hang out a lot in a hotel in Vegas, but I never get to go to the Vegas part...
It's not the mental health call I've been putting off, but it was a step. In truth, it was just clicking a few links in having it autofill a form for me online, but it was something. I did something. As of 6:00 p.m. today, that's something has yielded no results, like a call back but it might still. Online healthcare is no doubt as busy as in person healthcare. I'm not positive that someone over...
I remember the first time I noticed the quality of my shits. It was a few weeks after I started taking my prescription paxil. My shits were noticeably better. Consistent and the pinch was perfect almost every time. That meant the wipes were better. Since that time I've started noticing my shits and the color and the consistency and the pinch. Since the end of my constipation last month they've...
It's weird. I don't try and make mistakes but I do. More than the average I suspect. Today's a good example. I just finished the 620 feeding of the pig where the chickens get a little bit of bread just to stay away whe the pig eats. As I sit down in my bed afterwards, deciding what they're going to watch TV or not, I realized that it's not yet 5:00 p.m. and that was supposed to be the 4:20...
The time is a coincidence and I used it as a title instead of the title I had in mind all weekend. The Sleepend. I'm still not sure which one I prefer but spell check certainly prefers the one that's a real word. Actually a 420 isn't a word of course. I'm sleepy. This is an expected side effect of not doing a drug that normally keeps you awake. I don't crave it in any way except that I'm tired...
I was woken out of an awesome long story dream by my alarm at 7am. This is an amazing first. I didn't look at what time it was that I was last awake to pee but my first really good long story dream that kept me asleep until the alarm is a new or at least new in the last three years experience. I remember a great deal of the dream although that won't last probably. It was surfaced around being in...
A flurry of emotions runs through me every time one of the indoor cats gets outdoors. Today it was extra sneaky and I couldn't avoid it. I tried my best but the big fat cat got out. I'm told not to worry as he gets out often and always comes back but lately he's been picking a fight or something with the neighbors. The other two cats get outside just to experience it and they seldom leave the...
I just ordered a hamburger without even thinking about it. I knew I had enough money to cover that hamburger despite the fact that I don't have enough money to pay the rest of my bills this month. Does that make hamburgers similar to drug addictions? I just did it. It was instinct. Now that it's being delivered, I regret it. I shouldn't have done it. I have food in the house. I just don't have...
During the last couple of weeks I have made some judgment errors in my grocery purchases. I have found myself either with not enough bagels and bread to satisfy the amount of meat I have, or I have found myself with too many bagels and meat that has expired while I wasn't looking. I used to buy about four or five different types of lunch meat and three packages of bagels and that would be my...
I got to sleep in. I didn't of course because I'm still on this weird routine of waking up every hour. I do so with surprising accuracy, often to the same minute of each hour. I am sleeping deeply when I do sleep. I got to detox. That lasted only till 9:45am when I was too tired to do anything. I'm admitting my reliance on meth freely. It keeps me awake and somewhat productive. It's hard to...
Only one water before bed is very bad planning. It has to last me till he's asleep enough not to be disturbed by my door noises, walk downstairs, refilling the other 8 water bottles I usually life to keep on the fridge before bed. Especially during this heat wave and humidity issue. Because of my dehydration I've been drinking extra water but I'm going to try and drink as little as I can tonight...
I'm not going to get away without a lecture on this one. I smashed a large pane of glass on his door where the dogs sleep. A lot of glass to sweep up and double check and some pretty deep injuries but I'm glad they seem to have stuffed bleeding. Not knowing if there are any bandages or...
It was a hot one today. Especially so inside the 10x12 bedroom I call home. It's not well ventilated and due to curious cats, I don't get to leave my door open more than a crack. Usually I leave it closed so I am less disturbed by noises on the other side of the door and they hear less of me as well. I have finally managed to get the old air conditioner to work. It's something I should have done...
Every once in a while people shock me and do something I've been trying to do for a long time. In the spring, before the summer heat began, we moved an old weird ass air conditioner into my room. I couldn't get the jammed old wooden window open, so I just gave up on it. That seems to be my thing. I try a few times a few different ways and then I move on and rarely think about it again. Today my...
As of 3:30 this morning, there is a stealth cat loose in my bedroom. It has made falling back to sleep slightly more difficult than usual. Actually, the falling asleep part isn't so hard bit waking up out of my usual sleep cycle routine is the distressing part. The cat makes a slight and time noise about every 20 minutes. I wake to see if is by the door, bit it isn't. Repeat. I can't just leave...
I probably won't get to sleep till after midnight but I rest. I had plans to go out tonight but instead spent my money on food a few other things. I'm on a tight budget this month trying to make all my payments without them slipping into next month which isn't as profitable as this month. This is a big check month. [video src="https://orangeshirtblogs.com/wp-content/uploads/wp-1660951105692.mp4"...
When people on a diet want a piece of cake they declare a cheat day. There doesn't seem to be any rule except that all rules are out the window. I've been setting very tiny goals for myself each day but today I didn't get much done at all. It's 4:00 p.m. now and I go feed the chickens for their evening meal in about 20 minutes and I just now sat up and started ticking off a few tasks on the...
Glazed donuts often have a timeline of freshness that begins right away. Tonight I was offered three McDonald mini donuts. One was a springle. These are yeast donuts and ideally should be consumed within an hour or three after purchase. I prefer the longer lasting cake donuts which are still great for breakfast. At 11pm when I'm searching for sleep, I remember these donuts will be crap for...
After staring at the emergency mental health hotline for several weeks I paused a movie and made the call. It's not a helpful number but they did give me another number so now I start the loop again. Whenever I say I did a thing I am reminded of a really cool book I read highlighted here in my featured image. Accomplishing one task can be an exciting big deal if it's taken you a long time and a...
Perhaps plans is the wrong idea. I set mini goals for each day. Some of them are extremely simple like don't forget to feed the fish. This morning I forgot to feed the fish. Some of them of course are more complex. A task that I see had been meaning to do, a customer project that needs some final work or beginning work. My goals can be almost anything but the main point is I never do any of them...
Apparently I neglected to barricade the front door after I checked for the mail. It's probably about the 3rd or 4th time I've done this in 2 years but unfortunately it is a hotspot paranoid worry that gets me a lecture each time. He can leave it unbarricated not a problem but if I do apparently one of the dogs knows how to use doorknobs which of course is completely silly because it just is. He...
Doing pretty much the same thing every day doesn't necessarily get easier. For someone with attention deficit disorder it can actually get more difficult because each day it becomes less interesting and the temptation to be creative and look for ways to make it fun can actually distract and make more mistakes happen. On top of that, waking up every morning gets more tedious, not less. Now I'm...
So as of 8:14 a.m. on Tuesday August 2nd I am possibly missing a cat, or not one may have escaped outside which is really bad for at least one or two of the cats and reasonably bad for the third. If it's the bad cat and I don't mean bad cat I mean if it's the cat that shouldn't be allowed outside I could be in big trouble both in general for losing a cat and possibly having that cat not return....
