One of the main frustrations I go through when ruminating over my life is how many amazing ideas and blogs and personal journey stories that go through my head when I’m laying in bed or when I’m resting between work tasks, knowing that I will never really write them down or record them to video.

I got diagnosed a while back with avoidance personality disorder because it’s easy for me to not think negative thoughts and just ignore them. I’ve blogged in the past about how my philosophy of doing nothing and hoping it’ll go away works for me but It’s clearly not for everyone. The older I get, the more things there are on the list of problems I ignored that went away. Some will stay away forever. I try not to worry about those that may end up making me in the ass as I age.

There is another issue with my brain that hasn’t been specifically diagnosed but I believe it’s an underlying condition related to almost all of my mental issues. The fear of letting people down is greater than the fear of letting myself down.

I choose to fail. I choose not to finish things. I choose not to start things. I believe all of these are related to my unwillingness to disappoint.

—

I paused, and my mind went blank as it often does when I try to write about my deeper feelings. I composed this message and many others in my head while I was doing something else and today I came back from a laborious task of stacking wood to my comfortable bed. I picked up the phone with the willingness and intent to write a blog.

It started out well but to be honest, stalling and beating around the bush rather than getting to the main point which is usually how my blogs go. Sometimes the subject line has nothing to do with the content because I’ve already changed my mind but what I want to write about. That happened today. Just now.

Of course as the reader you have no idea of knowing what I intended to write here. You only see what I did. Sometimes not even that because I have no pride in the text and I don’t publish it.

I suppose in the end, this may have given you a better understanding of the blogs I don’t write even than I intended.

Fluke.

Related posts:

To pivot or not to pivot The Wednesday that was Monday Oops. 4pm was too late. Why do I make plans?