It’s Wednesday and a particularly down mood has struck me, mostly due to the fact that I’ve done a lot of bad mood drugs since Thursday of last week. Molly and cocaine both may be pleasurable during the hours of activity, but the following days are usually pretty yucky.
I seem to have postponed an angry lecture just now, which is fucking with my mind. I was feeling useless and depressed and malnourished so I spent some of the money I can’t afford to spend and bought a 1 lb hamburger and curly fries to be delivered. Meals like that cost $30 when they’re brought to my door.
While I was outside I was briefly distracted by one of the indoor cats that came up to me surprisingly and I let it inside. At the moment, I didn’t even think that it was a kitchen cat and shouldn’t be loose in the living room.
Then my food arrived and I came inside and instead of barricading the door behind me as is the rule, I grabbed the cat and put it in the kitchen and then made by way upstairs to eat.
After I dound the burger and fries, I felt nauseous for a few moments but drinking a big bottle of water helped. And I remembered I didn’t barricade the door however it appears it has been permanently shut. He has screwed it closed in a fit of anger.
The next time I see him hopefully the anger will have lessened but the door will stay locked forever making all entrances through the rear which is hugely inconvenient and certainly unnecessary but that’s the way life in this house is. An obsession takes place and becomes reality. Paranoia of losing things causes unexpected behavior I have no control over. I will take the angry lecture at some point in the future but I’m happy it’s not now. It’s 6:30 p.m. and I’m going to try and go back to sleep for the day.
It was a horrible day. It reminds me that every day is a horrible day, but I deal with it better most days. The idea of moving away is more appealing, but still overwhelmingly difficult to even begin to comprehend.
It is a hell I have accepted and adapted to but something really should change because enjoying life is hard from here.