I’m posting this blog standing outside the chicken coop but 5:30 p.m. and it’s still light enough to see. That’s a good sign. Everything else about today didn’t work out so well. Standing outside chicken coop because the pig woke up and he wants fat even though that was an hour ago he seems to think it’s morning. He’s grumpy in the morning.
I’m grumpy too because I’m having to blog on an alternative site because my site is broken and I just wasn’t in the mood to put my full energy into fixing it again. I did several things wrong but initially it wasn’t really my fault.
It stays like this when you start reflecting on all the things that you might have done wrong. Reflecting on who you are today and who you would like to be. My drug use. My lack of friends and a social life.
I start thinking negatively about the website project which was previously a source of happiness and optimism. Happiness and optimism that may be clouded by drug use.
I look towards tomorrow as a continuation of the negative I don’t know how easily I’ll fall asleep tonight but because of the mood swing and the drug use. It’s easy to ignore these things and continue coasting through the days when you can get high.
It’s tempting to do that now, but I honestly don’t know how many days I’ve slept this week so it’s not a good idea. I’m also off my regular meds because I was out of money and food. Hopefully that will be resolved tomorrow. I had forgotten that aspect of my down mood today.
I flip between pride and shame. I know I’m smart and have many good ideas, and I have chosen to not worry about people’s opinions and feel shame for my current life. Some days that’s harder than others. It’s clear that I am not as impressive as I used to think I was. Everywhere I look people are living my dreams better than I could. So I gave up.
I learned to accept my position and await further instructions or for the universe to provide. It was easier when I was younger as the options no longer come to save the day. And when or if they do, I ignore them. Last year I ignored too such offerings from the universe.
The blog served its purpose. It acted as a friend that I could talk to both with silly anecdotes of farm life and occasionally more deep conversations. I correct myself since blogging is certainly not a conversation and quite different than talking to a friend. There is no one to correct me but me, and it clear I’d rather ignore it and hope it goes away.
I’m sure I’ll get back on my meds tomorrow, fix the blog problem, put the webcams back on line and continue my work on the new project. All will appear well again in my brain at least for another 35 days until I’m out of medication again.
Did I mention my phone has been disconnected for 10 days? I forgot about that until today. I was $7 short of being able to do it when a cheque came in.
Another thing to solve tomorrow. Tomorrow is starting to sound like an amazing day. Maybe I should go to sleep now and wake up tomorrow.
That’s the best thing that can happen in any day. The optimism that tomorrow might be better.
It would be extremely nice if the sun would come out tomorrow. It’s been far too long.