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My Usage Video Journal
I try to make a post a day. I probably don't

My Usage Video Journal

This page is a dated journal of both text and video blogs of my journey through my 60s. I talk to my phone daily about my drug usage, my struggle with ADHD and my opinions on the universe.

Hello funk, my old friend

Hello funk, my old friend

I don't spend a lot of time in darkness so I had to change the lyric. Instead of being really depressed, I just get in kind of a funk that lasts a few days. It comes and goes. I think what actually happens is when I go off my Paxil I start to think more about life and my situation and then when I get back on it then happiness returns I still get to think about how the medication is keeping me from worrying about depression and life and the situation so it comes up every time I have a spare moment. My days are not currently being filled moment to moment with something to do and so the in-betweens allow my mind to wander and realize that I'm not really happy. I'm just pretending to be happy which works out okay most of the time because of the drugs. It's 4:00 now and I was surfing the...

The mental debate begins. Is it time?

The mental debate begins. Is it time?

My relationship with my daily drug has gone up and down over the last decade but somehow it seems different this last batch. I've discovered the feeling of the high part of my usage a little better. A slightly improved way of inhaling and a dosage that seems more intense. More regular usage also has me feeling more effects with the inhale than I have for a while. The other side of feeling more effects daily is the the bad part. I don't do much feel a craving or any urgency to smoking more, but I have started to  notice physical effects closer to the symptoms described online in research. The kind of dude effects I hadn't experienced in my years of use.  I have met many users of meth over the years and all of them seem to be perfectly normal functioning people not suffering from many of...

Still not sure, but ptobably

Still not sure, but ptobably

There are some things in life we lie to ourselves about. The word maybe is an indicator. When most people say maybe, they already have the choice made up. Maybe is used to let somebody else down easy without committing to yes or no, but it probably means no. As a kid, eventually we learn that maybe we can go to Disneyland really means no. We lie to ourselves too, pretending there is a possibility of a yes or no answer, but by the time we're saying maybe, we know what we want. For a drug user, maybe gets little debate. If the question is posed, it usually means we're going to get high again. The question more about timing. Maybe is a weak stall attempt but if you asked, you know the answer is going to end up being yes. It's 1130 on a Tuesday and my balls are itchy. I'm not feeling tired....

Morning non-routine

Morning non-routine

I recently learned from a TikTok video that many of the things that I once considered a unique part of my personality are apparently quite common among people with ADHD or autism. One of the things that most interested me was the idea that routines were different for us then the typical human population.  I never really thought about this particular aspect of my life but after hearing somebody on TikTok say it I have the tendency to reevaluate my life with that new perspective and it's true that I don't have automatic routines. I may have things that I have to do everyday like take care of the chickens and check my email but they're not quite routines.  When I wake up every morning I have no idea at that moment how I will start my day and what I will do. Apparently it's common for...

Friday 4am.

Friday 4am.

I still don't understand why Jetpack on the Android sucks so much. I also don't know why I keep giving it a chance instead of using the Kiwi browser on my phone and logging into the real WordPress site. I stayed up and just now, at 5am decided to blog. I wasn't productive at all. I mostly played with Snapchat on the PC and tried to get some python open source AI apps to load but I'm out of hard drive space and money. Oh well. I've burned through more meth this month than last and I'd say I'm feeling great about life, but the down side is when I stop, I get itchy and that scares me because I've never had that and if...

The end of the Orange Month

The end of the Orange Month

I hear the "Just for Laughs" character in my head saying, "It's over." For years, it played at the end of almost every Just for Laughs comedy special, and I even used the sound once or twice in my videos. It would be something Canadians probably remember, but not many outside Canada. It's interesting to think things like that will be harder for future generations. We were surprised when our childhood TV viewing went from 3 main channels to hundreds, but now so many people don't even own a TV and watch content from a selection of billions. Will nostalgia even exist when everyone watches something different. Will the kids of today have catch phrases from shows in the future. The current popular "bit" is the Hawk-tua girl but I can't see things like memes having long lasting nostalgic...

30 bars of Walmart Cvocolate

30 bars of Walmart Cvocolate

I just borrowed the car and drove into town just to spend the last of my cash on chocolate.the last two times I tried, they were out of my brand. They're on a sale price and it's almost Halloween so I didn't know if I'd get lucky or not. Starting my mornings with 100 grams of cheap Swiss milk chocolate elevates my mood more than you might expect. My ADHD doesn't enjoy the effects of coffee but the fresh chocolate taste in my morning mouth is just right. If I have nothing in the morning, my dentures have overnight dentures taste. Chocolate is better. It also helps cover the meth taste and smell. I've been without chocolate most of the month and tomorrow I'll be out of meth.

Post Birthday Blues

Post Birthday Blues

I'm doing ok. I finally had the nerve to ask about my drug use and the fact that everyone in the house is aware I use drugs. I'm not certain they understand it's meth but it's not vital since they seem somewhat accepting of it regardless. I'm a little concerned it may have been one straw in the acceptance of annoyances the man can handle. The married couple I live with are amazingly understanding and accepting. It was/is a hard adjustment to make coming off two back to back homes that were angry and loud. I know I'm a different kind of person and I react to life differently. I do things that can be annoying. My ADHD and autism traits are frustrating. I've dealt with the reactions of others my whole life. I spent so much effort trying to be accommodating and not annoying, but I just think...

Friday. Birthday Eve

Friday. Birthday Eve

I've been far more conscious of how good I have it now that I am living with the security of a home and food. At the exact same time, I am continuously aware of how unfair it is to be in this position of advantage. Basically, I'm costing the couple that has given me this place to call home, a financial burden. I simultaneously love and hate that. I'm also torn between my loneliness and drug use. They balance each other out now that I have found a new joy in making videos. My life has less interaction than I'm used to but the observation of my universe is still providing educational entertainment in leu of actual friends to hang out with. I am enjoying my deep dive into the marvels of AI. The world has no idea how this obsession will pan out but I'm playing with it with most of my free...

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