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This Phase.
Just now I remembered something. I’ve been here before, and by here I mean this phase of being a daily user. I remember it’s happened similarly before. I’m not sure when, or how often I have repeated this part of

This Phase.

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Just now I remembered something. I’ve been here before, and by here I mean this phase of being a daily user. I remember it’s happened similarly before. I’m not sure when, or how often I have repeated this part of the drug user loop.

I felt good and more confident and I started reflecting on that in my videos. I am talking to the camera more, blogging every day, multiple times, both in text and video. Sometimes both at once. Suddenly I realized; “wait a minute. I’m not that interesting”. Even if I believe in myself and I have higher than usual self-confidence, I’m not really the kind of person you want to watch all day. Nobody will be watching my streaming webcam feed. Nobody is craving every new post throughout the day because I just discovered or realized some new quirky part of my universe. In this mood, I’m going to post every little thing because they’re all exciting in that moment. That spun enhanced moment when a new idea enters my brain.

A huge portion of my personal life philosophy is that; “life is better shared“. If I’m excited about something, it me

ans so much more if I can share that. It creates a smile, then doubles it andsends it on to the next person.

If I see a movie I like, I want to share that opinion, with the hope it is equally enjoyed by somebody else. People love to share what they love.  Many great, and some not-so-great wars were over the simplicity of trying to enforce a shared opinion or lifestyle. If you believe in God, you want everyone else to as well. If they don’t, you might feel the need to kill them – but that is a tangent that didn’t need mentioning in this blog. There are so many less controversial examples. The Internet is practically founded on the concept that people will use it to share their likes and opinions to the people they care about, or to everyone they can if there is a profit to be had by doing so. Spam is really just commercialized sharing.

I like sharing when I’m in a good mood. I tend to respond toposts more and share memes or articles more. I am sharing my good mood, and in my head, getting a bonus hit of dopamine with the thought that the recipient of my shares may smile. I may not be there to see it, but it still works to make me smile. Sharing gives me two shots of happiness for the price of none.

Share performance enhancing drugs can be a slippery slope. I think I’m in this phase now. Its become an obsession to create and share way too much. I have to be careful because not only do I overshare regularly but I over-share, and those are two different things. I share too much and I share too much. It has become a part of the addiction. I feel a need to blog about everything and the inferred happiness of likes and follows that may or may not happen is no longer enough. I become frustrated that the world isn’t taking notice. Nobody cares about my genius. Why are they not commenting? 

This is where I found myself this morning in the brief period between waking up from a good 5 hour sleep, before I blow some smoke through my body to return to the hyper version of me I’m now accepting as my new normal. I caught myself craving recognition and praise as if my blog about opening banana peels from the other end is more worthy of likes and comments than anybody else’s take on similar non-priority posts. Weall want you to come to our virtual booth and buy what we’re peddling. I even considered marketing myself. Or at least trying to be seen as a start. I don’t promote my blog. Very few people know about it at all, and I’ve always preferred not to be judged because without feedback, everything is assumed perfect and worthy.

Now I have had a taste. A following of people that like my YouTube series where I just feed the cows randomly spewing every thought as it strikes me. The lowest maintenance video blog. People lie it and suddenly an outlet for my thoughts is now an obligation and the transition from being honest to being what I think the people want has started. Subtle at first, but when I start thinking about planning content, I am no longer a blogger. I don’t want to be an influencer.

But yes I do. So badly. I want all the good parts of that recognition at least. I feed off the praise that arrives in my morning email.

But it terrifies me. It means work. Judgement. Evaluation, both from others and from myself. Am I ready for that life change at this point in my life?

Follow and like to see how it unfolds.

#prideworthy

 

I probably shouldn’t have shared this

Tags: addiction | fame | fans | life

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