I live an unusual lifestyle on many levels, and it’s easy to mis-judge me without a better understanding of some of the aspects.The most significant among the misunderstandings is the one of my sexuality.
Even I find it hard to really understand. Sexuality and gender are complex parts of who we are, individually and as a society.
We’ve opened up the definitions and terms a lot in recent years in an attempt to help people better express themselves, but this has added to the confusion for many.I have never been a sexual person. Even back to my teenage years, I wasn’t keeping up with my peers in that area. I just had no interest in that.
I assumed I was a late bloomers and it would come.I was reading MAD magazine as my friends were checking out Playboy.As every one of them started dating and leaving me behind, I couldn’t figure out why I wasn’t. I didn’t want to be sexual with women or men. I just wanted to be friends with everyone and make them smile or laugh.It wasn’t really an issue but as everyone paired off, got married and started having kids, their precious time with me fizzled away. I was left alone.
The one thing I can’t handle. With no one to make laugh or smile, I found a head no real purpose in life.I tried dating a little bit, but without passion or desire, I wasn’t making connections. There was never any chemistry or spark to ignite interest. Eventually I just gave up.Living as an adult without sexual desire or interest is weird. I get to see how much it is a part of everyone’s life, everywhere you look.
Whether you’re gay or straight, you understand that desire, and the influences that come with it.Without that, so much of life is missed. Dirty talk has little effect without the experience to relate it to. Porn is a foreign concept without the passion that comes naturally to those who have had sex.Sexual conversation does not seem natural to me, and it’s a normal part of everyone else’s day to day life.
My Instagram feed is filled with sexuality more and more and I just can’t participate in any of it without it feeling forced and fake.I feel even more alone.Others can’t empathize, but they can’t really comprehend what it’s like to want to participate in that life, but without the tools or emotions. I’m not gay, but I’m not really straight either. I don’t get horny and have sexual thoughts. I don’t get spontaneous boners when I see beautiful women.It’s a world that is literally impossible to comprehend for many.
Often, unbelievable.Even for me.I’m figuring it out slowly. Usually that means ignoring it and hoping it goes away.
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