Sometimes I think this blog is trying to do too much for me. It is my hobby and the silent friend I talk to when I need an outlet.
It doesn’t judge me. That might change.
One of problems in life is that expectations of success are usually not close to reality. I don’t like my dreams and goals. They’re better left as dreams, because the realities are hard. Effort. I can dream without lifting a finger, but getting that dream and maintaining it is much harder.
If my blog becomes a success on any level, it creates a new set of tasks and responsibilities. Some people will get it. Some people will be fans, but others will feel the need to comment.
It is a controversial blog. Not only drug use but the drug that most terrifies people. A drug that people have horrible histories with. Bad stories they may wish to share.
They may feel some obligation to help me. To fix me. To change me. I get it. I understand that. I get pleasure from helping people too.
I don’t want help to quit. I don’t want help from strangers, especially ones that may not know any more about me than they have put together from reading a few posts.
My struggle is my life. It didn’t start with meth use. That has been one small portion of the adventure. Experiments of the mind.
I can see advantages and disadvantages of all my decisions but I am always trying new ways to figure out life.
The blog tried to journal parts of that struggle, but it really is more for me than the fans. Game would seriously get in the way. It’s not the right fantasy for me.
I don’t want to be famous. I just want a few fans.
I’m living without a best friend or a community and both those are essential parts of my life philosophy. I’m trying to figure it out and I try to do it all without regret. .I’m learning. Always.
I need to share that. I probably should keep the drug posts separate from the philosophy posts or the tips and tricks to build fan based without the meth stigma, but I am who I am and I don’t want to feel shame for my journey. I just want my fans to be understanding.
The universe is fascinating. I love figuring it out. I just wish I wasn’t doing it alone.