Nobody likes getting in trouble. At least I assume nobody does. I've spent my entire life trying my best to avoid it. I've modelled everything I am and do around the fear of being yelled at. It is my whole personality. I put all my energy into people pleasing, and yet the parts of me I have little...
Meth talk is a video series where I discuss some of the topics relating to meth users that may be of interest to other meth users.
Walk with me as I ponder my universe.
Just now I remembered something. I've been here before, and by here I mean this phase of being a daily user. I remember it's happened similarly before. I'm not...
I made a 5-minute video previous to this that was supposed to be today’s daily journal but I guess I would still a little high and somehow it didn’t get saved. I was in such a up mood this morning I could have made 10 videos and I think I made four. I sent this one to a friend for inspiration and they thanked me.
I knew eventually my worlds were going to collide and people would find out about the drug side of me that has crossed the line for most people. Heroin and meth seem to be the drugs that scare people more than the others. They'll still be friends with you if you smoke...
Since my brain has been experiencing different things thanks to daily usage I have noticed some changes. I'm thinking more and blogging less Probably not actually. I'm blogging quite a bit. Every time I write a post I worry that family members will read it to...
Recently I'm discovering more about how my unconscious brain is holding me back because of fear. I'm so afraid of failing and disappointing and someone yelling at me that I don't even try. I don't even want to disappoint myself and I have come to believe that I will...
I just listened to the Christmas message from our new King. He doesn't make a good Christmas message to the world. The Queen had the stronger accent that resides in my head as the official sound. The King is not a memorable speaker. A week has passed and now I make my...
All through my life there was a version of me I thought was real. The me that was good at so many things I wasn't doing, but if I did, I would be good at. I had dreams of doing things I didn't. As I got older and perhaps wiser, I started to realize a few interesting...
I don't really feel like doing anything today. Even this blog was a chore. I almost just typed blah and saved it at that. Today is one of those days where I take mental stock of my situation and blah is the best I can come up with. It's better in most ways than it was...
I didn't get much done today, and I really needed to. its Wednesday and I had tentatively planned to visit Toronto one last time before moving thousands of kilometres away to the next chapter in my life story. I decided to make this chapter a fresh break in a new...
I'm not sure whether things like this are intentional or not, and I'm not sure how to react or what to do because I like to not be a bother and rock the boat. This is especially true right now because he's decided to be angry with me this month. Little things will...
I've been doing ok with life. I know I'm doing poorly and only getting a few tasks done per day. By around 3pm I nap or just stare at the ceiling. Later in the afternoon, I start TV and get a few shows in before sleep. More accurately, before I lay still awaiting...
Just as I’m preparing to move, life laughs at me
Last Saturday and Sunday I helped Willie with some landscaping. Apparently this signified the beginning of a life change for me where I was supposed to spend several hours every day for the rest of my stay here helping him with his busy work. I don't mean that as an...
I don't think about depression the same way anymore. I think about life more with sadness and frustration than I think about depression but I think it's all the same. I can't imagine what I'd be like if I wasn't taking my paxil daily. It allows me to be happy in the...
Read moreIt is a hell I have accepted and adapted to but something really should change because enjoying life is hard from here.
I decided it was time to blog about my wild weekend since they don't happen very often. The landlord had invited his son over and we sat in the kitchen the three of us and got super high on weed and lines of coke. Lots of lines of coke.. I didn't sleep Friday but I...
I don't blog much anymore. I don't do much. Even when life events happen of any significance, like a gigantic bruise on my leg that is ever expanding after the pig attacked me earlier this week. I'm sleeping poorly most nights because my body has developed a new...
I can't tell if my insomnia today is real or in my mind. I'm not sure that it matters all that much, because either way, I'm still awake at 1:00 a.m. and I anticipate it's made last the whole night. Early this morning I blogged about how small a quantity of meth smoke...
I wish I had the nerve and the talent to properly express myself on websites and figure out how to meet people and mingle. I am a 59-year-old male with excellent communication skills. I'm a nice guy but I am asexual and have never really experienced passion or...
Today was a good day. I didn't sleep during the day and I got a lot of stuff done including some backlog work with a customer I actually avoided for over 2 weeks. I made up and he didn't seem too upset. It's not really a lie to say it was a health reason I was...
This post marks the very first time I have ever used emojis in the title and I have no idea whether they will translate to the browser or Apple computers or anything really. When I typed in sun and cloud these replacements were offered as options and I decided to...
I certainly should have expected I'd use up my stuff quicker than expected but it seems fitting I will be out on the last day of January. I have no regrets for my usage going up. Despite being a little suspect in the purity department, I really enjoyed this binge. ...
I'm almost 60 and about to stop using meth again. It puts my mind in a reflective mood reevaluating who I am, and what things I missed that might still be possible. It's part of a recurring trick my brain starts playing in an attempt to justify buying more drugs. I...
Every now and then, for a brief moment, I reflect on the negative aspects of my situation instead of living in the positive thoughts. This is one of those moments.
I know a number of people who sleep until the afternoon and then begin their day at 2 or 4pm on a regular basis. I have almost become them, except I'm still waking up before 7am... And then doing basically nothing till 2 or 3pm. It's a weird feeling to waste each day...
Every now and then I take note of something in my life that is different than I remember it being. The question I always ask myself is, is this because of my drug use or because I'm almost 60 years old. The good news is, whichever one I wanted to be it can be. In some...
There’s something strange about the idea of being supervised or watched that changes the way we react. Apparently this is true all the way down to microbiology.
I live an unusual lifestyle on many levels, and it's easy to mis-judge me without a better understanding of some of the aspects.The most significant among the misunderstandings is the one of my sexuality. Even I find it hard to really understand. Sexuality and gender...
A brief evaluation of my current situation.
It's Saturday at 4,:30am. I woke up slightly off my regular schedule and broke a streak of consistency. I'd had several weird dreams related to non existent web design projects that seemed complex and broken, so I almost call them nightmares. I had a bit of a hunger...
A good first message if you’re new here. My life snapshot.
An excerpt from my life story. One day.
I've always known I'm funny. Saying it out loud however, is hard. I don't tell jokes so being funny on demand never works. The world has a lot of people who seem to be funnier than me and it's distressing. TikTok and other social media platforms are turning people...
I know I've talked about the loop before and honestly I know I've talked about a lot of different ones but this week I'm experiencing this week is the loop of doing the same thing over and over expecting different results where have I heard that before. I get high at...
The last four days were fun. I stayed hyper focused and got quite a bit accomplished. It felt good. I was getting things done that have needed attention for a while. Then my brain got in the way. The closer I got to completion the more I realized the truth. It won't...
This my second week using daily... I think. It might only be my first. I have not really noticed much different, and in refection yesterday and today - I'm thinking it might not be very good. There is a type of meth that allows for, if not causes sleepiness. Yesterday...
Everyday my life includes feeding the pig twice a day. Once in the morning, and once around 4:30. I just finished the 4:30 feeding although I have to go back in a little while and close up the chicken coop for the night. I've been in a reflective mood today and...
I slept in this morning. Since then, I've been having a down day. Reflective. December moods for me, are when I watch the happy lives of friends, family, and consumers all seem to be happy. I look around my 12x12 room so filled with clutter, the floor is only visible...
As I was finishing writing the story about the random storyteller I met yesterday on the street, it happened that the man sitting next to me decided it was time to tell me one of his life stories. It's a man It is '70s and we were both sitting next to a third...
As I was typing a typical long winded wordy reply to a video, a new thought occured to me. We use our word choice to signal our peers. This may seem obvious but it just occurred to me tonight. I use a vocabulary and sentence structure that is showing a certain level...
I don't know how long it's been since I gave up using drugs, at least temporarily. I think it's been about two no three weeks. That doesn't sound right because it's only October 4th, but I remember sober weekends and I've been eating a lot more food, which means...
I've experienced it before. You probably have too. One of those phases of life when you feel the rut more than yesterday. More of the same. The loop of Thursday, although it can be any day. Another day of waking up, doing my chores, feeling like I want to go back to...
I always plan on leaving the house on the weekend. I'm not in charge of the animals and it would be a perfect time to spend the three bucks, get on a bus, and go downtown. When I lived in Toronto I used to love walking downtown. Young Street was always a fun place to...
I know what a news break is but I'm not positive I fully understand what breaking news is I had assumed that it is news they interrupt whatever you were doing to tell you about, which should be significant. Breaking news is not always significant It's just current and...
As of 3:30 this morning, there is a stealth cat loose in my bedroom. It has made falling back to sleep slightly more difficult than usual. Actually, the falling asleep part isn't so hard bit waking up out of my usual sleep cycle routine is the distressing part. The...
Second Life is a simulation of our universe except better
When a snapchat follower asked me what was new, I replied with this video.
Perhaps plans is the wrong idea. I set mini goals for each day. Some of them are extremely simple like don't forget to feed the fish. This morning I forgot to feed the fish. Some of them of course are more complex. A task that I see had been meaning to do, a customer...
I never actually notice how little I do in life, effort-wise. I have used my intelligence to evaluate every situation and figure out the best way to do the absolute least, while keeping the friend or colleague happy. I avoid anything I can if it looks difficult I just...
I can remember every bedroom I ever lived in. It's where I spent most of my life. Right from age 7 when we moved and I got my first bedroom.I attended dinners and chat with my family as I left the house or come home, but with the exceptions of things like game night,...
This seemed like a fast week. I got very little accomplished and saw no progress on any of my short term goals. No progress to show on anything really. I got high and complained or pondered. It was also a week of constipation, dehydration and sadness. The constipation...
Yes Hello. I'd like to exchange this current life for a new one. I don't like the amount of effort involved. I was mislead about how it would be better. I realize I've only had this new life less than 30 days and I can change my mind and go back to my previous option...
You see an online virtual mall filled with flashy storefronts and top notch animated advertisements everywhere. You walk down the pathway in awe at how many options there are to spend money on a seperate universe. You see a new store is opening up where the old...
I foolishly thought all bus stops were equal on the Queen West line, so I missed the earlier one, but Google maps says I should still arrive before 10 I'm on it now, and it is cool and bright and I found a seat although I'm conscious about still being a bit smelly....
Today is Sunday. My practice day to see that I can wake up and get things done. I won't say I'm failing already, but it certainly wasn't a totally slow start. It's 10:30 and I feel like I will tackle my to-do list today out in the sun and feel better about it. I am...
In the past. I have always talked about each new move as a Chapter in my life story. I learn so many new things when I'm living in the house with other people. Now I think it might be time to modernize my terminology since so much about how we share our story is now...
It's 6am and even though I asked and she said no, when 8 asked again, I ended up changing her plans and spending the whole night talking. It's what I wanted and I get high enough to believe it's enjoyable. I know interaction with high women who I click with is the...
I'm near tears right now, but managing. I had high hopes for a call from my doctor. I had plans of what to say. 45 seconds later, we were saying goodbye and I said nothing. I hate that. I hate myself right now. I accomplished nothing. I didn't get anything I was going...
It's not like there is any real significance to weekends when you're at home 24/7. I still honour our cultural traditions and not get high till Friday. But I got high not remembering it was Friday. This week went by fast for me because I have important work, and I've...
People say drugs change you. Your whole personality changes because of addiction. I understand that statement, and a self evaluation is hard, but I can certainly think about a few ways I've changed. I can imagine my close friends might notice even more changes. I had...
I often evaluate my current situation and compare myself to the image I have in my mind as a typical drug user. I always think my image to the outside world is not one of a junkie. I don't want to be a typical drug addict. I'm always careful to use the word user...
Over the years I have created a number of different tricks to start my day better. I know what I need to do to wake up and start being productive. As soon as I realize I'm up, I turn on all the lights to full brightness and stand up and stretch. The key is to not go...
I slept well. I even had some dreams. When I woke up at 630am I had one of those glimpses into my life as a drug user. An evaluation checkpoint where I had to decide; do I restart the loop again now, or wait till later? I can feel the effects of dehydration. I don't...
I have formed my belief that I live very much in the now. I am paying attention to my surroundings and being self aware. When I do something .. anything really, the thought has been vetted. I have thought up the consequences in so many ways. I understand now how...
This is a blog that's going to start off talking about the loud noises going on right now at 8:00 p.m. on Monday. The decision to make this blog about that topic was decided upon spontaneously as I was writing the subject title of this blog. The title of this blog...
One of my unfinished projects was to write a fiction. A short story or a novel if I felt up to it. In my mind it made a good TV series and I could be a millionaire if I only told someone about it. I have two chapters and I might be inspired to write more now and then...
I have do much to share but let's see what gets retained long enough for the blog. I flip flop a lot. Often several times a minute as I internally debate decisions. If I stall long enough somebody else will make it. My phyciatrist has a standard procedure of always...
I was going to start this vlog with the game, second life. That was my whole opening line. Second life. It occurred to me that that's the kind of thing old men probably old women at some point start to yell out random words like that. This could even be what some...
My plan is to be recording by audio, and there's this important to all that. Okay. Water, oops, live brain transcript, Canadian Thanksgiving October 11 2021 Coming up day drinks water. So the story so far. I just got high. And it's, it was at 420, in the afternoon on...