All through my life there was a version of me I thought was real. The me that was good at so many things I wasn’t doing, but if I did, I would be good at. I had dreams of doing things I didn’t.
As I got older and perhaps wiser, I started to realize a few interesting things about myself. It might have started at 50 when I first started therapy.
My social worker opened my eyes to a fact I’d never considered. Many of the life dreams I had for the future were hard work. I wouldn’t like any of the things I had thought about as goals.
I had dreams but I never acted on any of them. My low self-esteem and other issues were used as an excuse, but I now suspect it was just easier to not try than to try and fail. This has been a constant in my life and it applied to my hopes and dreams as well.
Ironically the universe tried to provide for me. In so many ways, the internet and photography and YouTube were available to me. They were available to do the things I always thought I would be good at. To make little comedy videos or fake news reports or reviews. To do anything in front of the camera I thought I’d be good at. People liked me. People still like me.
I just don’t do any of those things. For the first time I realized I might be crappy at them.
I don’t think I’d be good at any of the things that I wanted to be good at thought I was. Sucks