There are some things in life we lie to ourselves about. The word maybe is an indicator. When most people say maybe, they already have the choice made up. Maybe is used to let somebody else down easy without committing to yes or no, but it probably means no. As a kid, eventually we learn that...
Another late night choice. To use, or ot to use there is no question.
The obsessive decision loop that happens when I have to choose between sleep or going up for another night of drug induced distraction.
Today was the day I noticed my position on the loop of drug use. The things I do every few weeks without realizing — until I notice it.
A morning blog and video about the last day and the last teeny bit left before cold turkey. Just like a high school essay, I got another extension.
A rerun of the kind of blog I post every time I’m on my last days of my drug supply.
I’ve always tried to avoid troubleshooting while high. Now that I’m high almost all the time, it’s a little trickier.
alternate titles for this blog. Keeping busy to avoid thinking I gave up keeping track of sleep My Sleep App asked me about my plug I had 20 tabs open on Lipsync puppets. Time to switch obsessions. I'm not high. I think I used this morning before 8... Oh yeah. I just...
A poor description of a great dream makes me ponder life and life choices.
A 3am blog about blogging at 3am #spun
Jetpack knows people like continuity. It sends me a message telling me how many days streak I have been posting blogs in hopes that that inspires me to keep it up and of course it does. Today I went in town with Doug and we did a few things at a few stores. Third week...
I gave in to the temptation. Stop the itch with a cloud
To sleep or not to tweak. That is the rhetorical question
A video that does not apologize for making more videos because I can’t stop. It’s the most fun I have all day.
As I typed this blog I started to realize all sorts of new things about myself, most of which were not all happy cloud thoughts. It is deeply self reflecting.
I must have said goodnight to my online friends at least 10 times since midnight. Something always distracted me just before I turned the phone off. I debated getting spun again. It's always a tough choice at 2am a3am ad 4am. Tonight I held off and I refrained from...
My idea to cut back on, or do away with my meth movie making obsession. Day 1.
I don't remember falling asleep last night but it must haven been reasonably quickly. I opened my eyes 10 minutes ago and rolled over to see my orange clock. It wà 5:45am. A bit earlier than I prefer but I've learned not to risk going back for the second sleep at this...
Another morning arrives without the night in between. Day 3 awake.
Observing my usage habits.
Meth talk is a video series where I discuss some of the topics relating to meth users that may be of interest to other meth users.
just trying to get this post online has been blog worthy in itself
Just now I remembered something. I've been here before, and by here I mean this phase of being a daily user. I remember it's happened similarly before. I'm not...
Still technically Monday and I haven't fallen asleep yet. I've been playing with noses instead of creating anything or making new videos. I should be tired. I haven't smoked anything since 3 or 4:00 p.m. and I was doing pretty well at regulating her fairly normal...
I woke up from a particularly good dream this morning by a dog bark. One single dog bark. It was eventually followed by a second Park and the third but spanned out over time. One bark every 30 seconds or so seems to be more efficient at waking humans than a flurry of...
I can't fully explain it but it seems consistent enough that I am suspicious it may be drug related. It could just as easily be in my head that it is and so the symptoms line up. All day I can work and walk and lay in bed just fine. When I try to go to sleep my legs...
Changes in my morning routine are tough to make. I play it safe and smoke my morning pic-me-up before feeding the cows
I woke up 4 minutes before the alarm was to go off and unlike every other day for the past month and a half, I stayed in bed and did not stand up and go take drugs. I said hey to my Google assistant and started the day with the lights on and the radio playing. I...
I probably spend more time playing around on my phone than I do watching TV these days. It's funny to think that a few years back, before I got on medication...
blog thoughts late at night.
Nobody likes to say they’re a drug addict. I’ve never considered myself an addict to anything really. I’ve always been able to quit and have minimum consequences.
I don’t consider it a relapse because it was never my intention to quit. I do see the irony of trying to keep my usage a secret while maintaing a public blog.
Today was a sleep day. I woke up to the alarms each time. The 4:20 alarm was the worst surprise. Waking up has never been a very serious problem for me. I can rise pretty quickly when I need to. I woke up and did the scheduled tasks each time. The pig is now comfy...
This post marks the very first time I have ever used emojis in the title and I have no idea whether they will translate to the browser or Apple computers or anything really. When I typed in sun and cloud these replacements were offered as options and I decided to...
I certainly should have expected I'd use up my stuff quicker than expected but it seems fitting I will be out on the last day of January. I have no regrets for my usage going up. Despite being a little suspect in the purity department, I really enjoyed this binge. ...
A good first message if you’re new here. My life snapshot.
I can't seem to stop working on my projects now that I found ones I enjoy. I try not say; OK I'm done for now. I'm not done. I keep working. Tweaking, perfecting, adjusting until it's just right and then I move on to the next page. There is always more to do. More to...
I'm still unsure of this batch of meth. It's obvious that it has some effect. When I woke up, I was the usual morning tired. I smoked two bowls and...
I'm having trouble falling asleep tonight. At first I was staying up late to catch the new Saturday Night Live bit by 10:30, I figured out it was still Friday. I tossed and turned a bit in bed until the bed bugs started gaining my attention. Now it's 1:30 and I'm in...
In school, I was the kid always needing an extension to any deadline. I didn't start to work on things until they were due. I am aware I often never completed the projects withat all. Incomplete was a common word on my report cards. I did well in class and often I...
I have work to do. I smoked a bit of meth. I did my work. That's the story. I have enough pipe residue to repeat this a few more days as needed. I have no idea whether pipe white is as strong as a shard, but today it has been enough to get me up and working. I should...
It always frustrates me a little bit that blog readers get the life story backwards. No matter what page of this blog you have to read first, it's history is in a previous post. For example today I started off talking about being off drugs for the first day. Shortly...
I had a nice nap from 730 to 930 or so. That was nice. I felt refreshed but wondering. Was this life for the next while? Would I sleep my days away again. The truth of my life is that I don't do much during the days. I have animals to feed at 7, noon and 4:20 and 6...
The weather is getting cooler. The rooster and three hands are still waking up and expecting to be fed, which is fine. The dogs, or more specifically one of the dogs, seems to be trying out something new. Barking. Barking and whimpering and whining for no apparent...
I just ordered a hamburger without even thinking about it. I knew I had enough money to cover that hamburger despite the fact that I don't have enough money to pay the rest of my bills this month. Does that make hamburgers similar to drug addictions? I just did it. It...
I knew the last day wouldn't really be the last day. Whenever I say I'm out of math and this is my last day, I know there are at least two or three pipes that have a little bit in them and the stems are still white and can be melted into another cloud or two. Even now...
I don't actually want to look up when I bought. I would have find out I used an entire ounce in just one month I think I would be surprised and a little upset with...
YIKES! I forgot about the gurgle. This is the broken bong I usually use without any water in it, so it's usually stealth quit like a pipe but tonight for reasons...
I'm trying to extend the last tiny bit of the drug I have remaining. I started off using some of my brown burn surplus. It provides the exact same amount of white smoke upon exhale but didn't give me any wake-up boost. I rolled over and went back to sleep. I don't...
I'll be out soon. I mean I we'll be out of drugs and I will be forced back to normality against my will. That means I'll probably sleep most of the weekend. As I...
Some drugs are physically addictive and quitting needs a process. Your body learns to function with the drug and needs time to wean off it properly. A lot of mental prescription drugs are this way, but they don't use the word addictive. My Paxil can make me seriously...
It used to be 4pm, then 3pm but today it's 2pm, and probably 3 and 4 too. I'm staying up and in a good mood, which is hard because I'm obsessively worrying about all the meth I've been smoking this week. [video...
I've experienced it before. You probably have too. One of those phases of life when you feel the rut more than yesterday. More of the same. The loop of Thursday, although it can be any day. Another day of waking up, doing my chores, feeling like I want to go back to...
I had some wild dreams last night including what might be what people call a night terror. There was a lot of waking up yelling and screaming except I'm not really sure that wasn't self maintained within the dream. I remember very little Although it's nice to be...
It has been an effort to stay awake all day, and I had to argue with my own brain a few times. It offers up some excellent justifications for using, but I was able to get up long enough to feed everyone, have a nice 20 minute chat with the boss. The only person I...
No more clouds in my system or in my pee it would seem. Neither are fully back to normal I understand, but it's nice to see a change that quickly. It gives me hope that a lot of my other problems may have been caused by the same thing. The dehydration was definitely a...
Animals fed. I'm still sleeping in hour long increments bit I feel rested more. I want to sleep again. My body is sore. I briefly reached a point that is common among drug users the day they quit or shortly after. You'd look around and without that high, you see the...
It's probably a bad idea to try this on the same day I didn't have enough water in the fridge to last evening. I still woke up almost every hour. The evening was unchanged of course since not using drugs doesn't really take effect until this morning when I woke up for...
I day this as of 5pm on Tuesday. I will wake up and not do drugs tomorrow. I will be extra tired but I am extra tired today and I did drugs. My "job" consists of three 10 minutes feeding sessions and a more detailed pig session to end my day before 7pm. The rest of...
I think we all need a nemesis or at least somebody that challenges us with opposing ideas for us to consider and learn from. Sometimes it's a Rooster, bit he and I have reached a point of acceptance for the most part. This week, the evil villain in battle with me is...
One of my favourite concepts from my early days getting counselling, was reframing. Simply changing the words I use to describe things can sometimes make a big difference in how others interpret me. And how I feel about the idea myself. I'm not quitting. I'm taking a...
3am. You seem anxious. We'll, I heard a rumour you were going to not use meth today. Let me make a case against that. (Falls back asleep) 4:00am Ok, so I'm assuming that nonsense about quitting today is behind us. Can you tell me if we'll start right at 5am when he...
A lot of this week went right, despite the underlying sicknesses (plural) that I ignore to dangerous abuse levels. Recently I discovered my pill bottle on the floor next to my bed. That's where I start this story . I have no memory of the last time I took them. My...
I want to get this task done. I'll have the leave the house, takes buses, talk to people etc. I pull up the pipe, take a hit, put on some music and leave the house. That was what I liked about this drug. Energy, Focus, confidence and the ability to start and finish a...
The worst part, about being a drug addict, is that you know you’re a drug addict. You know, all your excuses are bullshit. You know, when it’s your addiction talking, not you. You know, you’re hurting those around you. You know, you need help. You know, you’re lost....
There was a brief time when things looked like they were going to be alright. I was on the prescribed dosage of amphetamine and Paxil and I wasn't depressed. I was confident and doing OK. Today I am not. I still have some of that newly discovered confidence, and I...
One of the early signs I'm off the wagon is 2am blogs and 4am blogs and 6am blogs and Second Life blogs. It means I'm staying up all night. I must have gotten high. It started with 5 Molly pills. I'd been without the pressed branded pills for about 2 years. The last...
I have full intention to make this a good blog. I believe I have a good story. The most frustrating thing about being me, is believing I could have been so much more if I'd figured myself out at age 27. Once again, I am living my life in somebody else's world. I...
Another loop before bed. I can quit any time. I promise. I seem to check that back pages site a lot for faces. For escorts that look like they'd speak English and party a bit. I don't call.. but I look 5 times a day when I'm high. It's the Orange Jeff...
crystalmefunicorn:???? don’t confuse the two
This blog post was written previously, and not posted because I wrote it high, and didn't complete it... and then everything changed and I kind of forgot. I feel today was a day that deserves to be told, even if I don't want to. This blog should not happen. It is me,...
5:00pm the next day. FAILED Today was a confusing day. It’s Thursday, and it was to be my first day without Tina. It was, until it wasn’t. Crystal Meth is one of the drugs most people consider “one of the bad ones” The drugs even drug users tell you to say away from....