I didn’t get much done today, and I really needed to. its Wednesday and I had tentatively planned to visit Toronto one last time before moving thousands of kilometres away to the next chapter in my life story.
I decided to make this chapter a fresh break in a new province and move without taking things with me. Without taking my chest of memories and my toys and gadgets and computers. The last two times I moved I downsized dramatically and gave up many things including some accidental giveaways I lost my father’s golden wedding ring and a couple of other things that meant something to me but not otherwise.
The next time, I threw most of my other possessions into a dumpster to try and avoid bed bugs. That didn’t work.
So this time I’ll be getting on an airplane with my carry-on and the clothes on my back. Everything else has either thrown out or donated or given away.
One would think that makes the move easier but there’s still piles to decide and stuff to do. I’ve been stalling because of the secret. The secret I’ve been avoiding. The secret that, if exposed at any time during my stay here, would have caused an eviction. Even though I plan on leaving as early as Saturday, I’m still worried about the secret. One last anger filled yelling fit and it could in fact be violent.
That has always been my fear. That his anger would lose control. He’s come close. The time I didn’t heat the pig’s food correctly he came at me and I held him back with the door before he calmed down.
The plan is to dispose of the secret as best I can on Friday when he’s in Toronto but if things go the way they always have, he will cancel or postpone that at least once and there will be no opportunity when I’m in the house alone to get the secret I would have in my closet.
Ideally I would much rather avoid that secret coming out but if it comes down to it, I’ll just leave it in the closet and it will be discovered after I’ve left. I’d rather that not happen.
Tomorrow I was supposed to go to Toronto and do some work for a customer that doesn’t really need to be done and say goodbye to a good friend that I won’t see you again and possibly other Toronto loose ends. In my mind if I had more money, it would also include buying drugs and having them.
Now it appears that won’t happen but I haven’t actually bought any ticket yet so I could stall. I’m good at stalling.