I don’t know how long it’s been since I gave up using drugs, at least temporarily. I think it’s been about two no three weeks. That doesn’t sound right because it’s only October 4th, but I remember sober weekends and I’ve been eating a lot more food, which means spending a little more money. Ironically
I don’t mean to say I’m spending money ironically, but I think it’s ironic that I’m spending more money when I don’t use drugs and I did when I was. Of course to be fair, I spent a lot of money on drugs first, and then no money on drugs for two or three months.
Anyway none of that matters in this story. It’s the changes that I noticed that I’d like to write about, but I don’t know notice many.
I seem to be okay. In some ways I would say I’m even better than I was, which is not to say I wouldn’t jump back to drugs if someone gave me a hunk of cash, but I’m not needing them. I’m not craving.
When’s last week I happened upon a plastic bag which previously carried probably an 8-ball of meth. Before I tossed it, I noticed that after a bit of a shake, a tiny bit of white accumulated in one of the bottom corners which I successfully funneled into a pipe and got one nice cloud. Are then proceeded to rip the bag down one side and use my tongue to lick it wet.
Following that, I cleaned my room and created two big bags of garbage and recycling and felt good about it. I didn’t sell much notice any change, except the ability to focus on a task and start and complete it which is the whole reason I started using amphetamines in general. Medicinally.
I slept well and returned to my normal self the next day, which is to say I didn’t get much done by comparison.
I have however noticed slight change in my emotional state. I don’t feel as blah as I did when I was using daily. Sure, I could start a task and complete it and feel good about it, but when I didn’t have a task to do, and nothing was externally reminding me of the 400 other tasks I have to do, I would just kind of blank out and not feel.
Making decisions was harder than usual, and by decisions I mean, choosing which TV show I felt like watching. When you don’t feel, you don’t have the ability to choose one or the other. At the time, when I was using daily, this was my norm and occasionally I took the time to worry about it but not very often.
I accepted and adapted. I am braced mine now as much as it was possible.
I self-diagnosed. Went so far as for me to assume that this was how I’d always been and that was fine with that. I didn’t remember what it was like to want to watch something or feel like this type of show or that type of show was right for the moment.
It’s funny how so much of my life is based around doing nothing but watch TV. Still, when that’s the case, then deciding what to watch becomes much more important. Not wanting to watch TV leaves you in a spot where you don’t really want to do anything, and your brain certainly is going to stop you if you try and sleep.
The other day I watched the TV show and it made me tear up a little bit. I binged the entire 8 episode series in one sitting on a Sunday, instead of watching TV or a movie as I often do on Sundays. By the final episode I was in full cry mode
It was a roller coaster of emotions in a well-written time travel murder mystery. We didn’t really even know who got murdered until the last remaining minutes of the show.
It felt good to feel. To weep even. I have also returned to having full imaginative dreams at night, and I frequently sleep the entire evening with only one, or perhaps two brief awakening sessions.
I’m back drinking water and bring me.
I am happy and not shameful of my 3 month daily usage binge of meth. It was during this time I started blogging again and my self discovery journey learned a great deal about my asexuality and lack of emotions. I made some new online friends. My Tumblr blog and drug related Instagram hot new records for followers. (Personal bests – not actual records although for a non gay man in the drug community, my numbers were high above that specific demographic).
I got some things done, although to be truthful, that’s a low bar. I didn’t have many waiting tasks in the queue.
Meth helps me focus and complete what I’m doing, but it does nothing to help me remember new or old tasks I need to do. I still reply on external forces or people to act as reminders, even if I make lists.
My dosage increased past the optimum amount I think and I felt more of the blah mindlessness than the low dose, get things done dose. It reminded me more of the first time I used prescription Ritalin and lost all creativity and the will to do much at all.
I have similar blah boredom symptoms trying other less powerful stimulants. I can sleep after doing a line or 4 of cocaine and the high of owning crack lasts 30 seconds before I start to complain of feeling blah and bored. That annoys the crack smokers around me. I don’t use either anymore.
Meth is/was good for me in the lower doses. The 20mg of Adderall was ideal. Maybe 25mg if it existed.
Perhaps I’ll find my way back to therapy and legally prescribed amphetamine.
The TV series was a foreign show dubbed into English reasonably well. It was called The 7 Lives of Lea. It’s on Canadian Netflix currently and nothing I said should be considered a spoiler more than the title itself. I recommend it.