I’ve experienced it before. You probably have too. One of those phases of life when you feel the rut more than yesterday. More of the same. The loop of Thursday, although it can be any day.
Another day of waking up, doing my chores, feeling like I want to go back to bed, doing my chores etc. It’s life, but not so much living. Nothing new and exciting. Nothing challenging. In fact, I hardly get anything done because I’m wallowing in self-pity about not getting things done.
I often describe it using the word blah. It’s 10:30 a.m. today and I have a couple of tasks to get done. I’ve decided I’m less a morning person than I used to be. I wake up early and feed the chickens, but then I just sort of social media the morning away until after lunch and I get about 2 or 3 hours of productive work done from 3:00 to 5:00 some days. Blah
I had a really good sleep last night. Back to the normalcy of routine. Only woke up two or three times and only peed once during the whole evening.
I feel like I could sleep the rest of today away. When I woke up at 6: 00 I fell back asleep till about 6:30 and then the dog barking me up.
Since I had a good evening of sleep, I had decided to do less of my drug. I’ve decided this many times before fruitlessly but today seem like a good day considering the amount I have left probably won’t last me through the weekend or at least too far into next week. Then I’ll be out, still poor and forced to live without.
There will be a period I live without. I have no idea what that will be like anymore.
Today I said I’d do less but starting at 630am I smoked a bunch of bowls, and then more. I didn’t need more. The first one wakes me up and gives me a mood boost but the second does nothing extra. The fifth and sixth do nothing. I could have lasted on two till lunch or later, but the action of smoking has become a part. I get how people who smoke cigarettes feel now. The smoking becomes a thing in itself.
Even if I don’t film it, which is a whole seperate addiction of sorts. Even now I’m thinking of smoking before I get up for my opening shit. I won’t, simply out of principle of this post, but otherwise I would have.
I’m using more than I ever have without any noticeable effects beyond the first pipe of the day. Doing without will be tough on both levels. I don’t think lollipops will provide a suitable alternative when I’m out.
As always, I’m fascinated by the mental trip that comes along with drug use and drug addiction. Everyone is different obviously and I like to consider myself extra different. (Grin) I enjoy the experience of experiencing things and the thinking that comes along with that.
It’s almost 11:00 a.m. . Time to get up and out of bed, at least for a short while. I have to earn some money to buy some food to continue the process of living.