It’s not like there is any real significance to weekends when you’re at home 24/7. I still honour our cultural traditions and not get high till Friday.
But I got high not remembering it was Friday. This week went by fast for me because I have important work, and I’ve blocked it mentally and put it off till they ask a second time
A joke from Coming to America I repearmt frequently, but I’m high now and I forgot it while distracted by the Waiter try my soup joke that is my single favourite joke and I can relive the visual. It erased the other joke. Maybe it’ll come back before I end this part
I have not been masterbating as often since I had to move out of my Toronto apartment.
I’ve been having sex dreams over the past few weeks and I just made the connection tonight.
Fuck. More confusion about who I am I wish I could discuss with my phyciatrist about.
I carelessly lost my place and stopped trying to return. I went downhill fast after losing him and my 25 year old business phone number over a 1500 bill. I walked away.
So customers stopped calling and I lost my rent paying income and couldn’t pay rent on time a few times with increasing frequency.
I accommodated and left without issue as soon as possible.
How did the conversation turn this way?
Weed by itself makes me want to share. I wish it was with people but my overthinking debates yes vs no and then says no.
The more I watch a new ADHD series created by a huge smile that makes me smile and click like.
I’ll look for asexual ones at some point I’m sure. I still am uncertain if I’m asexual or just so terrified of disappointing any woman I talk to.
I’ve got best supportive friend role perfected. Being asexual removed one tention men and women may otherwise have. Asexuality is not the same as gay, but from a woman’s perspective it’s the same. No sexual tension or sensual tention.
I’ve been this way as long as I can remember but I also know I can’t really trust my own memory ever since I figured out I am the librarian of everything in my universe.
I am god of my own finite universe.
From the moment of conception where two become one, one becomes two and never stops till you die.
What if ever single cell that divides to grow contained your entire life in real time as you grow. Like a genetic download, that exact moment in time is added to the two new cells. Think of your own growth from a fertixiled egg splitting cells as one life long digital mpeg compressed by evolved human math. A single video tape in old school terms .
Bigger brains probably remember more in their brains memory cells.
I believe I can only remember 3 things at once. Throw a fourth at me and I may forget everything and walk away.
The norm is 5 or 6 I think but some can remember 9 things, even without a memory trick or system.
Apparently, it’s often the same number of items you can visually count instantly before you start counting. If I throw a handful of pebbles in front of you, do you see 3 or 5 or whatever instantly, and then add the rest by counting. That is how many slots your short term memory can handle without having to swap one though out for another.
Windows works much the same way. It can use it’s RAM to hold so much before it swaps memory with the hard drive.
My problem is often the memory swapped out doesn’t get saved or indexed. I don’t remember it existed unless an external source or thought brings it to my attention again.
…
I remembered the joke.
Guy walks into a shoe store like the early days when shoe repair was more popular. He says, hello. I was cleaning out some old clothes this weekend and I came across this shoe repair ticket. It looks like it’s about 2 years old I’m wondering if you might still have it somewhere in the back.
Shoe guy goes back to check comes out and he says yes we do. It’ll be ready Tuesday.
I actually used to tell people that joke when trying to describe the way my brain works and attention deficit disorder and after telling it number of times I figured out it was a terrible way. Not a good joke to tell a business client.
Luckily people seem to like me. That’s not fair I know people like me. I like me and it took a long time to get there.
Just because I like me doesn’t mean I have the confidence to risk. Terrified of life because I can’t disappoint people and I’m bad at everything.
Last year I got to live my dream… For 4 days before my partner in the project felt self conscious about not being perfect
It shocked me at the time but in reflection, it made sense. He loves his work. He loves his fans. He loves praise and cringes at any negativity.
He is me… Except opposite in personality. He plays a confident role in interaction like me. He’s much better at it but the inner fear that can hit in waves.
He was fired.
He has me living in his way. In his privacy. Constantly. I stay out of his way as much as I can, and interact just enough to be a reminder that you never know what the other will do next.
He’s never had anyone this long since marriage I suspect, and except for his son, they’ve been women.
…
I have no idea what I was blogging about originally.
Oh yeah. It’s Friday.
I needed a ramble session. I may have new fans at some point soon. I don’t actively promote it but I do post the address here and there.
….
I trimmed my moustache this week. I did it on the bed and a food box that most of the trimmings fell into.
I imagine in my head what it might feel like to be a woman that missed a day or two of shaving her intimate area.
A day or three after shaving, the brittle stubs of new growth advance upwards. My lips have sharp edges tree stumps on an otherwise smooth surface.
At might, I have a habit of rolling my upper and lower lips up and down causing the more sensetive inner lip to clash against the rough terrain.
It can even break skin now and then. Twice now I have woken up with an unexpected fat lip.
12:00 midnight.
End of part 1.
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