As of 3:30 this morning, there is a stealth cat loose in my bedroom. It has made falling back to sleep slightly more difficult than usual. Actually, the falling asleep part isn’t so hard bit waking up out of my usual sleep cycle routine is the distressing part.
The cat makes a slight and time noise about every 20 minutes. I wake to see if is by the door, bit it isn’t. Repeat.
I can’t just leave the door open or the other four will find their way inside. I’m not allowed to have any cat in my room. I’m not allowed to like the cats or show them much affection. They are not my cats and he doesn’t want any confusion on that topic.
Sleep has been an issue for a few months. My bedroom can reach inside temperatures cats may love, but humans sure don’t. It can be close to 100f (35c) on nights like tonight, bit with a relative humidity of 30%. It’s not nice.
My drug use dehydrated me further so my water intake has gone up, causing a constant but unhealthy cycle of waking up hot, drinking some water and peeing. Luckily my body has gotten used to it and I fall back asleep quickly. Each night nap lasts about 40 minutes with is enough to allow for a full cycle and some cool dreams.
The cat noise has disrupted that do I have only succeeded in a full sleep cycle once since 330. It’s now 5am.
I decided to stay awake and start my day. This choice was highly influenced by the part of brain that doesn’t want me to give up using drugs. That has been a goal for about a week because I suspect using meth daily in at least partially the reason I’m not sleeping for more than an hour at a time. My guess is my brain would stay up all night on the amounts I consume, but it’s been happening for so long, my naps are just a consequence of being really really tired.
Yesterday I broke my last bong bowl. Neither of the two stores I can walk to sell the part I need. I’ve been trying to get to a store that does but I keep finding reasons to do it tomorrow.
So I thought this was a good day to not use the first thing in the morning. I do have two normal $2 dollar meth pipes but I don’t particularly like that method so I was happy to use today as a clean day, and see if I can sleep for a two hour stretch or more.
When I’m honest with myself, I can’t really tell if I was getting any benefits from the meth anymore. Perhaps effects is a better term than benefits. It’s been a year since my using was just for focus alone.
On any case, I sat up and turned on my light to look around for the cat again. My room is still quite a mess so there are a lot of places to hide.
5:10am. Breaking News. The cat has left my bedroom. I am happy.
I have another pee and lay back as if to go back to sleep… But no.
I snorted a fat line shortly after 4:20. It was almost automatic. Today will not be the day I stop using. Maybe Monday. I like starting fresh on Mondays. It’s my favourite day.
Although my drug use is certainly not a good thing, it has done quite a bit for my own self discovery. I have learned a lot about who I am and who I have always been over the past two years living here. I almost never leave my bedroom so I have lots of time to evaluate my life choices.
Despite living the life of a stereotype meth addict, I’m actually learning a lot of fascinating things about the way I am.
I really am ready to take the next step and make that phone call I’ve but off. I’m eager to seek help even though the idea of change is scary. Really quite scary. It’s why I have not made that call previously. It’s been over 5 years since I last had a psychiatrist and I really enjoyed it. It helped me understand a lot about me, but I’ve done so much more, overthinking at 5am on night like this.
Mornings like this.
It’s been especially hard not using some of my revelations as excuses, but others certainly are, and I must learn to work around my mental issues and still be productive.
I want to make that call. I’ll update this post later today if I do. Maybe. It may leave my head for another day. Things I don’t want to do have a way of not getting done. Apparently I am told it’s got a name too and three letter akronym.
People with avoidant personality disorder have chronic feelings of inadequacy and are highly sensitive to being negatively judged by others. Though they would like to interact with others, they tend to avoid social interaction due to the intense fear of being rejected by others.
I think I have some other reasons I avoid anything negative beyond that explanation. I don’t really do anything I don’t want to because I can. It really is quite amazing how much I’ve avoided in life just by saying no thank you, or be trying to do it so poorly, people stop asking.
I only came to this revolution recently as as I review my life from this new perspective I am quite amazed, although not in a prideful way, of how much of everyday life I just don’t do. I have never had any issue with paying others to do things for me, but other stuff I just outright don’t do.
I want to learn more about that if I can get back into therapy. When I get back into therapy.
I also figured out I’m asexual and that was a huge relief to my brain. In fact, it lead to discovering my lack of personal emotions and that is a huge topic I need to explore. Sadly I can’t tell how much of that issue is life long, or whether it’s drug/dopamine related, but the stories I remember going way back make a lot more sense in my brain if it’s always been the case, but just never noticed.
It’s almost 6am. I’ll text my theory that I can squeeze in 4 more night naps even though I snorted a goodly amount just over an hour ago. I’m alone with no cat distraction.
If I can’t, I may be back blogging more about something else.
Note. As I was about to publish, I noticed I was blogging to my public, no drug blog instead of this one. Oops. Glad I noticed.
Update. Not only did I enjoy two consecutive naps of 40 minutes, I also have awake dreams too. Eyes closed, but not asleep. Next thing to try is a way to combat the need to drink all night. In a 24 hours period between 7pm and 7am, I drank more than 5 litres of water. Having a fridge next to my bed is awesome. I’m curious to wonder how much came back as pee.