I can’t tell if my insomnia today is real or in my mind. I’m not sure that it matters all that much, because either way, I’m still awake at 1:00 a.m. and I anticipate it’s made last the whole night.
Early this morning I blogged about how small a quantity of meth smoke was sufficient to make my day productive. It was. Quite productive. I scrounged together $350 and paid off some bills and ordered a small grocery delivery order for tomorrow and my only meal for the day was McDonald’s delivered.
But now as 1:00 a.m. has come and gone, I don’t feel like I’m going to be able to fall asleep. It’s a frustrating mood because I like sleep. I like it quite a lot and lately I’ve been having some good quality sleep and excellent creative dreaming.
I still have the things to do tomorrow but if tomorrow is just an extension of today with no rest in between I’m not sure I’ll get much done before I nap the midday away.
I’m still not sure how I’m going to handle the $1,500 electricity bill so that keeps me awake. I’m still not sure how I’m going to handle the subject of moving away should I decide that is my best future.
I learn more about the things that I do and the way that I think each day as I see more and more people talking about their autism or their ADHD with videos that mimic my life. I haven’t decided yet whether it’s a good thing or a bad thing to have a way out. A way of passing off the blame to my brain.
The idea of executive function being the reason that I have trouble starting projects and finishing them is a slippery slope because once I believe that to be the case, it will be far easier to do nothing. Far more difficult to do something. Once I accept that it’s not me but it’s my brain, I can use that as an excuse.
As more and more people around the social media universe are discovering and self-diagnosing, we’re going to see a lot more people accepting the reality that it’s a disability and they literally can’t do certain tasks. Last year, these would have been difficult tasks and they would have been struggling but this year they may not struggle. They may just say they can’t do it.
I don’t want to say I can’t do it. I want to be able to do it. The sad thing is I can’t do it.
And by it, I’m referring to pretty much any task. Without interaction and other people, it is extremely easy to do nothing. There is no shame when there is no sharing. It’s just me and I’ve always been able to let myself down. I hate letting other people down.
Most frustrating of this is that ADHD meds really do make a difference. Today is a classic example of a day that went well. I enjoyed the day. I chatted did social media but I also accomplished things and sat up and worked with other than that or without TV all day. It felt good.
This is exactly the kind of day I could enjoy on ADHD meds. Getting them is the hard part, and it shouldn’t be but now that everyone and their cousin is self-diagnosing autism and ADHD, the quantity of meds is in shortage and the availability is still restricted beyond almost any other medication.
I hate these easier to get oxycontin and die than it is to get Adderall and live a better life. Nobody is dying from Adderall but I might have to wait 3 years to get a psychological evaluation again and get a prescription. Many people never do either because they have ADHD ironically, or because the process from their doctor to a psychiatrist is just way too difficult.
It is ironic that the medication for ADHD is hard to get if you have ADHD. One of my main problems is the phobia or inability to ask for help including asking for help on my phobia or inability to ask for help.
Perhaps that’s why so many people with mental issues end up being stand up comedians. It’s literally funny how hard life can be.
Or at least, being funny isn’t excellent defense mechanism against a hard life.
I’ll try and roll over a few more times restlessly staying awake because I’m thinking far too much about falling asleep which makes that nearly impossible. But I’ll try. Perhaps by 3:00 a.m. it will happen. However now that I’ve said that it will be in my mind and will probably won’t happen.
I’ll sleep at 7:00 a.m. when I should be getting up. My grocery order is due to be delivered around 8:30 a.m. just as I’m following asleep. I should have planned for that but I didn’t think of it. Things that happen the same way every time still don’t register in my brain. It’s new every time.
End of part one.