A deep self refection morning rant about my life. The third blog post in a row after a good sleep. Feeling rather meh. Sad without the need for a solution today
The Struggle
The high isn’t always the reason
The obsessive decision loop that happens when I have to choose between sleep or going up for another night of drug induced distraction.
Infectious Depression
A spontaneous sadness overtook me after declining an offer for Saturday adventures on a Thursday. They try. I fail.
Fake People Talking in a Deep Dive
An audio deep dive Podcast all about me – OrangeJeff.
How will I avoid working on that task today?
It seems like I can’t blame my procrastination on ADHD so I continue to find new reasons to not do the work.
I wish it was easier to describe a dream
A poor description of a great dream makes me ponder life and life choices.
So much distraction completed
I want to start with WOW but it's not a very good literary way to begin a post. Still, when I explain some of the things I have accomplished overnight, WOW seems the best way. Starting last night, I began working on issues I've been troubled by, but have been ignoring for weeks. Months in fact. The menu system on my blog and some fine tuning to make the thing mobile compatible. I did it. A lot...
Empty House. I clean-ish up
As I typed this blog I started to realize all sorts of new things about myself, most of which were not all happy cloud thoughts. It is deeply self reflecting.
Anticipation to Trouble
Blog and video about the fear and anxiety of “the talk” that I have been told is pending.
Take Off Tuesday
It's after 9:00 PM and I just made up the name take off Tuesday, because that's what happened today. I didn't do anything on my computer at all, and that's a little bit concerning, because there was a message that needed to be tended to quickly. It's the kind of message that comes from a long time loyal customer and not replying today tests their loyalty. There was no real reason for not doing...
This Phase.
Just now I remembered something. I've been here before, and by here I mean this phase of being a daily user. I remember it's happened similarly before. I'm not sure when, or how often I have repeated this part of the drug user loop. I felt good and more confident and I started reflecting on...
March 5th 2024
Today my sister came close to yelling at me, but didn't. Still the feel of spontaneous anger caused by me took her by surprise. I guess in the 5 months of being here, shed witnessed very few failures and taking care of making sure the dogs get fed and watered is vital to her reputation as Canada's leading breader of the highest quality show dogs. I was given a new chore to add to my regular...
New year blues…
I start off every year with optimism that it will be better and then a few days in like today which I think is the 4th or 5th January I start to get discouraged that really it's exactly the same and the fact that the calendar picked January to the beginning probably isn't even true. What makes it so frustrating is that I really sincerely would like to lead a more normal life I will would like to...
The Blog’s I don’t write
One of the main frustrations I go through when ruminating over my life is how many amazing ideas and blogs and personal journey stories that go through my head when I'm laying in bed or when I'm resting between work tasks, knowing that I will never really write them down or record them to video. I got diagnosed a while back with avoidance personality disorder because it's easy for me to not...
I remember Sunday Nights
I don’t consider it a relapse because it was never my intention to quit. I do see the irony of trying to keep my usage a secret while maintaing a public blog.
I’ll do it right after a quick nap
My social media feeds these days are all filled with people talking about their ADHD symptoms. It's trending to be autistic apparently which makes it all the more difficult for people who have known about this for years. Now when I complain about ADHD symptoms, people tend to think I'm jumping on a bandwagon or making excuses. Today is a holiday Monday and tomorrow my electricity may be...
1am Again.
I can't tell if my insomnia today is real or in my mind. I'm not sure that it matters all that much, because either way, I'm still awake at 1:00 a.m. and I anticipate it's made last the whole night. Early this morning I blogged about how small a quantity of meth smoke was sufficient to make my day productive. It was. Quite productive. I scrounged together $350 and paid off some bills and ordered...
I’m Chicken
I wish I had the nerve and the talent to properly express myself on websites and figure out how to meet people and mingle. I am a 59-year-old male with excellent communication skills. I'm a nice guy but I am asexual and have never really experienced passion or horniness or sex. I'm awkward. I react differently than people expect to just above every social situation and have a fear of asking for...
Tuesday Weather. 🌞 And ☁️
This post marks the very first time I have ever used emojis in the title and I have no idea whether they will translate to the browser or Apple computers or anything really. When I typed in sun and cloud these replacements were offered as options and I decided to choose them. It is most likely not to practice I will continue in the future but who knows. The world is changing and language is...
End of the month. End of the stash.
I certainly should have expected I'd use up my stuff quicker than expected but it seems fitting I will be out on the last day of January. I have no regrets for my usage going up. Despite being a little suspect in the purity department, I really enjoyed this binge. It may be some time before I buy in that kind of quantity of course. I have very little income remaining and now I have to try and...
Another secret attempt at sharing
I'm almost 60 and about to stop using meth again. It puts my mind in a reflective mood reevaluating who I am, and what things I missed that might still be possible. It's part of a recurring trick my brain starts playing in an attempt to justify buying more drugs. I try to convince myself there are tasks I would be doing if I had the focus high. In this case, it's about some of the social...
Jan 27. Pre-worry has begun
Every now and then, for a brief moment, I reflect on the negative aspects of my situation instead of living in the positive thoughts. This is one of those moments.
Non-Sexual Frustrations
I scroll through Tumblr or Reddit and the posts about drugs are always intermixed with drugs containing sex. Most frequently, lots of nudity and hard active sex. I want to be a part of that world, but I'm terrified, so I just ignore it. I don't even try. I stay sexless and dull, scrolling by the fabulous tits wondering what my life could have been. Wishing of had a sexy drug girlfriend and liked...
Indentifing the symptoms. A new problem
I am experiencing a mental block that's trying to prevent me from continuing work on my new website project. I've had enough time to overthink and predict future failures so my excitement and enthusiasm in the creation of the project has dipped a little. This is not a new thing for me. It's actually the opposite and the new thing is how well I was working on it for so long. I give that to the...
Too wide a net
Sometimes I think this blog is trying to do too much for me. It is my hobby and the silent friend I talk to when I need an outlet. It doesn't judge me. That might change. One of problems in life is that expectations of success are usually not close to reality. I don't like my dreams and goals. They're better left as dreams, because the realities are hard. Effort. I can dream without lifting a...
Hard to comprehend. Even for me.
I live an unusual lifestyle on many levels, and it's easy to mis-judge me without a better understanding of some of the aspects.The most significant among the misunderstandings is the one of my sexuality. Even I find it hard to really understand. Sexuality and gender are complex parts of who we are, individually and as a society. We've opened up the definitions and terms a lot in recent years in...
I’m missing out on a big part
Sex, Drugs and Rock and Roll (or EDM) has been a partier's top 3 activities for decades. The drugs and music may have changed, and the rules for sex are not the same as in the 70s or 80s but music, sex and drugs are the party tools. I've been missing out on a major third and I'm almost 60. It's so hard scrolling through Tumblr or Reddit posts and seeing everybody talking sex. Everybody but me....
Oh wow. It’s still Monday
I know that 1:45am is technically Tuesday but I was actually a bit surprised. It felt like more than one day of work. My morning 5am bump has not only allowed me to work the entire day on a project, it seems it's not scheduled to slow down and let me get to sleep. I'm still not tired. Oops. I overshot it a bit. I was happy to progress more on my new obsession and at the end of the day, I broke...
Yesterday’s Rush Today
Yesterday, around 5am as near as I can figure, I stuck some bong water mixed with more of the drug up my ass using a syringe. It wasn't the first time. I didn't measure out anything. It was a rush much better than usual, and I stayed focused and working for over 12 hours without much stress or concern. I didn't even eat, which was handy since I have no food. Today around 5:30, I tried again....
Sleepy Thursday
I slept in this morning. Since then, I've been having a down day. Reflective. December moods for me, are when I watch the happy lives of friends, family, and consumers all seem to be happy. I look around my 12x12 room so filled with clutter, the floor is only visible in two spots. It is not the room of a happy, healthy man. I am passing my third December in a rut. A basic routine of virtually...