Life

Life

Doing nothing is getting harder

I used to boast occasionally about how good I was at doing nothing. I could do nothing better than...
2am choice

2am choice

alternate titles for this blog. Keeping busy to avoid thinking I gave up keeping track of sleep My Sleep App asked me about my plug I had 20 tabs open on Lipsync puppets. Time to switch obsessions. I'm not high. I think I used this morning before 8... Oh yeah. I just remembered the decent line I snorted at 3 that made me pleasant the rest of the day. This will be my fourth ounce without a real...

A Balanced Friday Breakfast

A Balanced Friday Breakfast

At some moment in almost everyone's life, they might suddenly realize the word Breakfast is actually breaking the fast of not eating since the day before. I knew this of course but for some odd reason, I thought of people all over figuring that out at random times in their life... Or possibly never realizing it at all -- until just now. It's fun for me to discover new knowledge at any moment in...

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I’m saving manipulated memories

I’m saving manipulated memories

I just finished up my morning scan of social media and I recorded two short snap chats using new filters I found trending. It's just past 7am and I find myself with nothing else to do right now. Oh oh... That means I can think about things, and that's not always a good plan. It occurred to me that my wife doesn't have a lot of substance day to day that is worthy of remembering. It's why I always...

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To bed or not to bed

To bed or not to bed

As I lie here at 9:45 on May 1st I contemplate staying here for a brief nap and starting my productive day closer to noon as I have done many times in the past 2 months. Good morning routine which includes blowing white clouds of smoke is a good reason to not try napping because it will probably fail and I'll just end up doing nothing for the next hour.  I have to decide whether I'm okay with...

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Sunday starts with Aero

Sunday starts with Aero

A four piece of chocolate. A pimple on my dehydrated tongue tries to spoil the enjoyment I feel from the chocolate as it melts on my mouth. It's not my regular chocolate but it's still a refreshing way to begin my day. I made it till 6:15am this morning so I suppose I could say I got to sleep in a bit. Inside my head, I seemed eager to wake up. I even dreamed it was 6am once in the night. I...

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This Phase.

This Phase.

Just now I remembered something. I've been here before, and by here I mean this phase of being a daily user. I remember it's happened similarly before. I'm not sure when, or how often I have repeated this part of the drug user loop. I felt good and more confident and I started reflecting on...

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Not doing things isn’t right for everyone, but doing things an easier way should be the norm.

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Sneaking in new responsibilities

Sneaking in new responsibilities

Doug was away for a tiny Christmas present vacation combined with delivery of steaks and puppies to the coast so not much changed in my morning duties but we added a few extras including feeding the dogs in the morning and making sure they have water and now restocking the wood pile with fresh wood and kindling. I suppose now officially I have shown I can do that and will probably be asked to in...

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The lazy farmer

The lazy farmer

I used the common term lazy even though I understand that I'm not really lazy. Do I though? It's clear that I expend energy trying to save energy. I put a lot of effort into not putting a lot of effort into things. I go out of my way to try and lesson number of steps involved in everything in my life. It's Monday and I'm in a contemplating mood as I feed the cows this morning I have lessened the...

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My eyes stay dark.

My eyes stay dark.

For the last few years, I have been sleeping with a hat. It covers my eyes when I sleep so it is essentially dark in my head, even if the room or sunlight is bright in the room. I am able to wake, but not evaluate the darkness. It allows me to drop back to sleep faster, but has the side effects that I can think about sleep without looking at the clock. Instead of waking because it's bright, I...

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The limbo mode

The limbo mode

There is a mood between wanting to sleep and wanting to work and it is this mood that I find myself spending a good portion of my days in. If Ian is the right word. I finish my morning chores before 9:00 a.m. and don't technically have anything to do until about 3:30 when I feed the animals their afternoon meals. This has been my routine for several months, but recently I've started to notice it...

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My pair o’ docs

My pair o’ docs

There is a weird thing that goes on inside my brain when someone close to me does their own tech support instead of asking for my help. Generally speaking it's a disaster if I hear about it. People do their own tech support all the time and I don't hear about it but when I do it means that everything they tried didn't work, and more often than not it has made fixing it even more difficult. With...

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My to-do list is a wish list

My to-do list is a wish list

Recently I'm discovering more about how my unconscious brain is holding me back because of fear. I'm so afraid of failing and disappointing and someone yelling at me that I don't even try. I don't even want to disappoint myself and I have come to believe that I will if I complete projects. When I start them they're exciting but if I finish them they are open to be judged and I will be...

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Motivation by mood

Motivation by mood

Recently I have noticed my mood is being used as a skakegoat to not do or watch things. I find myself wanting to be productive this morning but just not "feeling" like each option I present. I sit here scanning the TV options, finding several good choices I definitely want to check out, but not right now. I'm not in the mood for an action movie or a romantic comedy or - everything else. I figure...

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End of 2023 message.

End of 2023 message.

I just listened to the Christmas message from our new King. He doesn't make a good Christmas message to the world. The Queen had the stronger accent that resides in my head as the official sound. The King is not a memorable speaker. A week has passed and now I make my new year speech, posted as a blog here where nobody reads it, except you. My new life started halfway through the year when I...

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A whole new loop has started

A whole new loop has started

It's Saturday at 8:30 p.m. By Monday my ritual of pretending to think of Jan 1 as the ultimate Super Monday. Even when it falls on a Thursday. January 1 is my official reboot. My new optimism about trying something new with a new partner, vetted and selected as my new saviour, but I found out they don't want that worship for picking the next person I get high with. If you click with me, it can...

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The Blog’s I don’t write

The Blog’s I don’t write

One of the main frustrations I go through when ruminating over my life is how many amazing ideas and blogs and personal journey stories that go through my head when I'm laying in bed or when I'm resting between work tasks, knowing that I will never really write them down or record them to video. I got diagnosed a while back with avoidance personality disorder because it's easy for me to not...

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The gate I invented instead of sleeping.

The gate I invented instead of sleeping.

It's just past midnight on a mid December Monday. My brain is thinking of the connections that had to have happened previous to tonight that led me to my latest iteration in my mind of the auto closing farm gate. My early days on the farm involved occasionally being a passenger to the car or farm ATV around the property. The passengers only duty is to open and close the various gates before and...

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My days

My days

I've started thinking about my day. A routine of minimal activity between naps. I wake up either slightly before 7:30am or with the alarm at 7:37am. I prefer to wake naturally if I can because I remember my dreams better when they are not interrupted but I have normalized alarm mornings. I used to hate the alarm waking me up. I get up and turn on the lights at 12% brightness, all white. This is...

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The other me I’m not

The other me I’m not

All through my life there was a version of me I thought was real. The me that was good at so many things I wasn't doing, but if I did, I would be good at. I had dreams of doing things I didn't. As I got older and perhaps wiser, I started to realize a few interesting things about myself. It might have started at 50 when I first started therapy. My social worker opened my eyes to a fact I'd never...

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Blah blah blah Tuesday

Blah blah blah Tuesday

I don't really feel like doing anything today. Even this blog was a chore. I almost just typed blah and saved it at that. Today is one of those days where I take mental stock of my situation and blah is the best I can come up with. It's better in most ways than it was before my move, but in many ways it's unchanged. Sure, I'm not suffering in a 100° F bedroom all alone. This bedroom is an ideal...

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It’s hard doing nothing among the busy

It’s hard doing nothing among the busy

When I lived in Niagara Falls, it was common to sleep a day. To wake up, look around, and then go back to sleep and repeat until it was the next day. I didn't do it all the time but I certainly did it more than occasionally. Even on the days when I was awake, I didn't really leave the bed. My computer was accessible without standing up. In a life where you don't have a car, and the bus is...

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Finding Smiles

Finding Smiles

It's not always easy, and you need to train yourself, but with practice it is possible to find humour in so many things in life that other people might not.I am 30,000 feet up in the air today. I'm above the clouds, and probably won't undo my seatbelt and try to move for the next four hours or so.This is a discount airline without entertainment or wifi so I don't have much to entertain me except...

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To be continued

To be continued

It's 5:17am and I'm up smelling that horrible coffee smell, possibly for the last time. The final full day in Ontario, quite possibly forever. There were a few last-minute offers to stay but they were really more idealistic procrastination stalls. I forced the play and although I'm not ready on a few levels, I am tired of not being ready. My brain is grasping for excuses. Even now, as I sit up...

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The Wednesday Overwhelming

The Wednesday Overwhelming

I didn't get much done today, and I really needed to. its Wednesday and I had tentatively planned to visit Toronto one last time before moving thousands of kilometres away to the next chapter in my life story. I decided to make this chapter a fresh break in a new province and move without taking things with me. Without taking my chest of memories and my toys and gadgets and computers. The last...

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Friday Night Lockout

Friday Night Lockout

I'm not sure whether things like this are intentional or not, and I'm not sure how to react or what to do because I like to not be a bother and rock the boat. This is especially true right now because he's decided to be angry with me this month. Little things will certainly poke the bear and set off another rage fest. I didn't think he was still baracading the back door, but I guess I was wrong....

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8:23pm came with a side of sadness.

8:23pm came with a side of sadness.

I've been doing ok with life. I know I'm doing poorly and only getting a few tasks done per day. By around 3pm I nap or just stare at the ceiling. Later in the afternoon, I start TV and get a few shows in before sleep. More accurately, before I lay still awaiting sleep. Since Sunday I've been taking a nighttime Benadryl for allergic relief against the bed bugs, but it also makes me drowsy enough...

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Friday Night Lockout

Things I do wrong, part 47

Last Saturday and Sunday I helped Willie with some landscaping. Apparently this signified the beginning of a life change for me where I was supposed to spend several hours every day for the rest of my stay here helping him with his busy work. I don't mean that as an offensive term although it may sound that way, it's the kind of work that is very personal to him and it's not the kind of work I'm...

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The Wednesday Overwhelming

Oops. 4pm was too late.

I procrastinate for all kinds of reasons. Different diagnoses come up with different reasons or justifications. ADHD explains it away and avoidance disorder explains it away. Sometimes it's just my overall fear of letting people down and being yelled at. Today I procrastinated for multiple reasons including financial reasons. I have delayed calling the power company and asking for an extension....

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It is a hell I have accepted and adapted to but something really should change because enjoying life is hard from here.

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A lot of forgetting this weekend.

A lot of forgetting this weekend.

I decided it was time to blog about my wild weekend since they don't happen very often. The landlord had invited his son over and we sat in the kitchen the three of us and got super high on weed and lines of coke. Lots of lines of coke.. I didn't sleep Friday but I did sleep in Saturday and then Sunday I took two of the Tesla Molly pills that I absolutely love. They are my favorite drug I just...

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Waves of Sadness between naps

Waves of Sadness between naps

I don't blog much anymore. I don't do much. Even when life events happen of any significance, like a gigantic bruise on my leg that is ever expanding after the pig attacked me earlier this week. I'm sleeping poorly most nights because my body has developed a new enhanced allergy to the 2000 bed bugs that attack and suck my blood each night. I wheeze and make awful noises, staying up till...

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1am Again.

I can't tell if my insomnia today is real or in my mind. I'm not sure that it matters all that much, because either way, I'm still awake at 1:00 a.m. and I anticipate it's made last the whole night. Early this morning I blogged about how small a quantity of meth smoke was sufficient to make my day productive. It was. Quite productive. I scrounged together $350 and paid off some bills and ordered...

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I’m Chicken

I’m Chicken

I wish I had the nerve and the talent to properly express myself on websites and figure out how to meet people and mingle. I am a 59-year-old male with excellent communication skills. I'm a nice guy but I am asexual and have never really experienced passion or horniness or sex. I'm awkward. I react differently than people expect to just above every social situation and have a fear of asking for...

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Today was a good day

Today was a good day

Today was a good day. I didn't sleep during the day and I got a lot of stuff done including some backlog work with a customer I actually avoided for over 2 weeks. I made up and he didn't seem too upset. It's not really a lie to say it was a health reason I was unavailable for the last three weeks for him. The world is accepting mental health as a real thing these days. I didn't have to elaborate...

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Tuesday Weather. 🌞 And ☁️

Tuesday Weather. 🌞 And ☁️

This post marks the very first time I have ever used emojis in the title and I have no idea whether they will translate to the browser or Apple computers or anything really. When I typed in sun and cloud these replacements were offered as options and I decided to choose them. It is most likely not to practice I will continue in the future but who knows. The world is changing and language is...

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Another secret attempt at sharing

Another secret attempt at sharing

I'm almost 60 and about to stop using meth again. It puts my mind in a reflective mood reevaluating who I am, and what things I missed that might still be possible. It's part of a recurring trick my brain starts playing in an attempt to justify buying more drugs. I try to convince myself there are tasks I would be doing if I had the focus high.   In this case, it's about some of the social...

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1pm wake up

1pm wake up

I know a number of people who sleep until the afternoon and then begin their day at 2 or 4pm on a regular basis. I have almost become them, except I'm still waking up before 7am... And then doing basically nothing till 2 or 3pm. It's a weird feeling to waste each day doing nothing except scrolling through 30 video clips on any of the various platforms. I'm not interacting with people. I just...

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Disguised excuses

Disguised excuses

Every now and then I take note of something in my life that is different than I remember it being. The question I always ask myself is, is this because of my drug use or because I'm almost 60 years old. The good news is, whichever one I wanted to be it can be. In some cases it would be beneficial to blame the drugs and say I'm going to be off them again next week. We'll see if it comes back or...

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Too wide a net

Too wide a net

Sometimes I think this blog is trying to do too much for me. It is my hobby and the silent friend I talk to when I need an outlet. It doesn't judge me. That might change. One of problems in life is that expectations of success are usually not close to reality. I don't like my dreams and goals. They're better left as dreams, because the realities are hard. Effort. I can dream without lifting a...

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Good idea I’ve decided I won’t do

Good idea I’ve decided I won’t do

Despite being aware that nobody is checking out this blog except Romanian botts and search engines, it still keeps me happy and gives me something to do each day instead of sitting around on my bed doing drugs like the stereotype junkie. I can tell myself it's a great learning experience, and it is, but in the end, I'm doing it because I enjoy it. It's almost like I finally found a hobby at 59...

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In anticipation of a letdown

In anticipation of a letdown

There is a point many of us have experienced in life. You make contact with a new person, and you click. You have a nice chat. One of you eventually ends that first conversation, and then you wait. Was it fun for them? Did you do ok? Did you say anything awkward or weird? Will you ever talk with them again. Online, many chats happen once. There isn't a reply and of course, I blame myself. It...

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Hard to comprehend. Even for me.

Hard to comprehend. Even for me.

I live an unusual lifestyle on many levels, and it's easy to mis-judge me without a better understanding of some of the aspects.The most significant among the misunderstandings is the one of my sexuality. Even I find it hard to really understand. Sexuality and gender are complex parts of who we are, individually and as a society. We've opened up the definitions and terms a lot in recent years in...

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