I don't really feel like doing anything today. Even this blog was a chore. I almost just typed blah and saved it at that. Today is one of those days where I take mental stock of my situation and blah is the best I can come up with. It's better in most ways than it was...
When I lived in Niagara Falls, it was common to sleep a day. To wake up, look around, and then go back to sleep and repeat until it was the next day. I didn't do it all the time but I certainly did it more than occasionally. Even on the days when I was awake, I didn't...
I found the perfect shared meme.
It's not always easy, and you need to train yourself, but with practice it is possible to find humour in so many things in life that other people might not.I am 30,000 feet up in the air today. I'm above the clouds, and probably won't undo my seatbelt and try to move for the next four hours or so.This is a discount airline without entertainment or wifi so I don't have much to entertain me except...
As one chapter ends, a new life begins. Living out of a knapsack at age 60
It's 5:17am and I'm up smelling that horrible coffee smell, possibly for the last time. The final full day in Ontario, quite possibly forever. There were a few last-minute offers to stay but they were really more idealistic procrastination stalls. I forced the play and although I'm not ready on a few levels, I am tired of not being ready. My brain is grasping for excuses. Even now, as I sit up...
I didn't get much done today, and I really needed to. its Wednesday and I had tentatively planned to visit Toronto one last time before moving thousands of kilometres away to the next chapter in my life story. I decided to make this chapter a fresh break in a new province and move without taking things with me. Without taking my chest of memories and my toys and gadgets and computers. The last...
I'm not sure whether things like this are intentional or not, and I'm not sure how to react or what to do because I like to not be a bother and rock the boat. This is especially true right now because he's decided to be angry with me this month. Little things will certainly poke the bear and set off another rage fest. I didn't think he was still baracading the back door, but I guess I was wrong....
I've been doing ok with life. I know I'm doing poorly and only getting a few tasks done per day. By around 3pm I nap or just stare at the ceiling. Later in the afternoon, I start TV and get a few shows in before sleep. More accurately, before I lay still awaiting sleep. Since Sunday I've been taking a nighttime Benadryl for allergic relief against the bed bugs, but it also makes me drowsy enough...
Just as I’m preparing to move, life laughs at me
Last Saturday and Sunday I helped Willie with some landscaping. Apparently this signified the beginning of a life change for me where I was supposed to spend several hours every day for the rest of my stay here helping him with his busy work. I don't mean that as an offensive term although it may sound that way, it's the kind of work that is very personal to him and it's not the kind of work I'm...
I procrastinate for all kinds of reasons. Different diagnoses come up with different reasons or justifications. ADHD explains it away and avoidance disorder explains it away. Sometimes it's just my overall fear of letting people down and being yelled at. Today I procrastinated for multiple reasons including financial reasons. I have delayed calling the power company and asking for an extension....
Read moreIt is a hell I have accepted and adapted to but something really should change because enjoying life is hard from here.
I decided it was time to blog about my wild weekend since they don't happen very often. The landlord had invited his son over and we sat in the kitchen the three of us and got super high on weed and lines of coke. Lots of lines of coke.. I didn't sleep Friday but I did sleep in Saturday and then Sunday I took two of the Tesla Molly pills that I absolutely love. They are my favorite drug I just...
I don't blog much anymore. I don't do much. Even when life events happen of any significance, like a gigantic bruise on my leg that is ever expanding after the pig attacked me earlier this week. I'm sleeping poorly most nights because my body has developed a new enhanced allergy to the 2000 bed bugs that attack and suck my blood each night. I wheeze and make awful noises, staying up till...
I have known two friends in my life that don’t love themselves. They have not been overly successful in finding partners because of this. This little story came to me after a dream and I am debating whether to share it with them or not.
I can't tell if my insomnia today is real or in my mind. I'm not sure that it matters all that much, because either way, I'm still awake at 1:00 a.m. and I anticipate it's made last the whole night. Early this morning I blogged about how small a quantity of meth smoke was sufficient to make my day productive. It was. Quite productive. I scrounged together $350 and paid off some bills and ordered...
I wish I had the nerve and the talent to properly express myself on websites and figure out how to meet people and mingle. I am a 59-year-old male with excellent communication skills. I'm a nice guy but I am asexual and have never really experienced passion or horniness or sex. I'm awkward. I react differently than people expect to just above every social situation and have a fear of asking for...
Today was a good day. I didn't sleep during the day and I got a lot of stuff done including some backlog work with a customer I actually avoided for over 2 weeks. I made up and he didn't seem too upset. It's not really a lie to say it was a health reason I was unavailable for the last three weeks for him. The world is accepting mental health as a real thing these days. I didn't have to elaborate...
This post marks the very first time I have ever used emojis in the title and I have no idea whether they will translate to the browser or Apple computers or anything really. When I typed in sun and cloud these replacements were offered as options and I decided to choose them. It is most likely not to practice I will continue in the future but who knows. The world is changing and language is...
I'm almost 60 and about to stop using meth again. It puts my mind in a reflective mood reevaluating who I am, and what things I missed that might still be possible. It's part of a recurring trick my brain starts playing in an attempt to justify buying more drugs. I try to convince myself there are tasks I would be doing if I had the focus high. In this case, it's about some of the social...
Every now and then, for a brief moment, I reflect on the negative aspects of my situation instead of living in the positive thoughts. This is one of those moments.
I know a number of people who sleep until the afternoon and then begin their day at 2 or 4pm on a regular basis. I have almost become them, except I'm still waking up before 7am... And then doing basically nothing till 2 or 3pm. It's a weird feeling to waste each day doing nothing except scrolling through 30 video clips on any of the various platforms. I'm not interacting with people. I just...
Every now and then I take note of something in my life that is different than I remember it being. The question I always ask myself is, is this because of my drug use or because I'm almost 60 years old. The good news is, whichever one I wanted to be it can be. In some cases it would be beneficial to blame the drugs and say I'm going to be off them again next week. We'll see if it comes back or...
There’s something strange about the idea of being supervised or watched that changes the way we react. Apparently this is true all the way down to microbiology.
Sometimes I think this blog is trying to do too much for me. It is my hobby and the silent friend I talk to when I need an outlet. It doesn't judge me. That might change. One of problems in life is that expectations of success are usually not close to reality. I don't like my dreams and goals. They're better left as dreams, because the realities are hard. Effort. I can dream without lifting a...
Despite being aware that nobody is checking out this blog except Romanian botts and search engines, it still keeps me happy and gives me something to do each day instead of sitting around on my bed doing drugs like the stereotype junkie. I can tell myself it's a great learning experience, and it is, but in the end, I'm doing it because I enjoy it. It's almost like I finally found a hobby at 59...
There is a point many of us have experienced in life. You make contact with a new person, and you click. You have a nice chat. One of you eventually ends that first conversation, and then you wait. Was it fun for them? Did you do ok? Did you say anything awkward or weird? Will you ever talk with them again. Online, many chats happen once. There isn't a reply and of course, I blame myself. It...
New friends can be a joy and simultaneously such a stress.
The first of a few messages posted today. Hybrid vlogging where I type, talk and record.
I live an unusual lifestyle on many levels, and it's easy to mis-judge me without a better understanding of some of the aspects.The most significant among the misunderstandings is the one of my sexuality. Even I find it hard to really understand. Sexuality and gender are complex parts of who we are, individually and as a society. We've opened up the definitions and terms a lot in recent years in...
A brief evaluation of my current situation.
A new beginning of self discovery and blogging… Until it’s not.
