I had some wild dreams last night including what might be what people call a night terror. There was a lot of waking up yelling and screaming except I’m not really sure that wasn’t self maintained within the dream.
I remember very little
Although it’s nice to be dreaming rich dreams and remembering them again, when I sleep cycle is not really changed. Although I might make it past the hour mark, I’m still waking up and peeing all night long.
I realize it’s only been one day. I didn’t really expect it to all go away although somehow yesterday I think I thought I did.
The addict part of my brain was bringing out the classics. Reminding me of things and past experiences. Things like; You know you’re going to use again anyway so why wait? This was never supposed to be a permanent thing and you seem to be useless without it. I slept all day yesterday and missed getting some client work done that would have paid for my food this week and some of the important bills.
When I woke up first this morning I had three of those ready to blog. Things that I say to myself every time I try and quit some point in the evening or the days to come. I forgoten them now. It’s been an unusual morning, or at least off schedule slightly.
The hens were up at 7:00 a.m. and the rooster was being very loud despite the fact that there was no food and as far as he could tell no prospect of food coming. My usual feeding time was 7:20 or 7:30.
He was being loud though and the main reason I don’t feed him till 7:30 was to try and keep him quiet until the neighbors might have more time before he wakes them. Since that was out the window and I came down and fed them but the dogs wouldn’t come out. So as I’m making my way back to sleep, they start barking having missed the morning routine.
Usually I don’t let them out if they don’t come out on their own. My passive aggressive way of trying to get them to follow my schedule instead of their passive aggressive method of trying to get me to follow theirs. Since I was laying in bed and I realized I had left my water bottles downstairs where they get refilled, I had to get up anyway and it’s actually a beautiful day so I figured I would write the blog outside let the dogs enjoy some sun and proceed with the day.
Before doing that, I snorted a little bit of meth. What users would call a bump. Surprised? I’m not really. Despite my job being less than 30 minutes work each day I’m not a huge fan of sleeping the remainder.
One of the excuses I used was that we didn’t try cutting back before quitting 100%. It was an option not to tested. I’ve always believed there is a quantity that is right for me. Ideally, that quantity is a 20 mg slow release adderall capsule but I don’t have access to that currently so I just tried a tiny little bit of meth.
I do not feel disappointment. I may be postponing my physical health but I feel it is very hard to work on my mental health when I’m asleep. At least 1/3 of the dreams I remember parts of last night I was falling asleep in the middle of them. People would be talking to me and I would be asleep. I hate those dreams because when you sleep in your dream you get this scary paralysis. You physically can’t get up. I hate those dreams.
I suppose I hate that in real life too. Feeling so tired the idea of going downstairs to fill my water bottles and come back upstairs is a task I had to debate. Can I get an hour of sleep in and then go get my water at 8:30? That’s the moment I decided I needed some awake assistance.
Late last night when I was in between naps I asked myself whether or not I would admit to the blog that I had broke down, given in and used. The answer was easy but I’m glad I asked the question because it might seem like a failure to some. It might seem like a failure to many but for me, the blog has always been about the struggle. Be honest. Shortly after this my brain asked me the question, wouldn’t the blog be more interesting if you did cheat. Sneaky brain. Always looking for an angle.
So I have a little energy at least for a while. It is my intent to not use again until tomorrow morning if this is a success and hopefully it will be a small enough quantity that I can still work towards my dehydration issues and get some work done so that I can get paid so that I can buy some duct tape and get my air conditioner working, which is the prime reason if not the sole reason I am dehydrated. The room is just too damn hot.
I live in a house that is not laid out for comfort in any way. There are almost no seating options in the public spaces or for that matter in my private space. I can lay on my bed, I can sit on the toilet which is quite far away downstairs or, when the rooster is calm there’s a nice chair outside which is where I’m writing this blog from.
When my room is hot that’s my only option. To be hot. Maybe today I’ll get some money, and by tomorrow new air conditioner hoses and some food will be delivered.
For today at least I won’t be asleep the whole day. Who knows. I might even make that phone call for help. I’m ready to admit to them I’m a user. I wish I could easily make them understand that the mental health issues I describe I have had all my life, and that the use of meth in the absence of adderall for my attention deficit disorder, is somewhat unrelated. The mental health community really likes to link drug addiction to the problem, instead of what I think is probably the case for many users, it’s that the problems existed and the drug use was an attempt to cope. It has helped me in more ways than it has hindered me with the exception of this year. That may be a bold statement I can’t back up.
Tell my tolerance break lasted one day and I don’t feel bad about it. Instead of cold turkey, tapering off and I think that’s quite possibly what would have been suggested by professionals. Most users would not even attempt quitting meth cold turkey although it’s always worked for me previous too This more recent continuous streak.