I think we all need a nemesis or at least somebody that challenges us with opposing ideas for us to consider and learn from. Sometimes it’s a Rooster, bit he and I have reached a point of acceptance for the most part.
This week, the evil villain in battle with me is my own brain. Drug addiction.uch like the classic imagery of a white angel whispering in one ear, and the red devil prompting me in the other ear, I’m sometimes not even aware of what just happened.
I’ve always been particularly fascinated by the arguments I can have silently within my own brain. My brain can often be sneaky and devious. I don’t always understand how deep my brain can intertwine thoughts or opinions to help me choose one side over the other.
I have no clue whether this idea is something my readers will understand. If you’ve never caught your brain using tricks, you may not comprehend the complexities, but the drug decisions are the best examples.
Yesterday I had blogged about a tolerance break from daily use. I have reached a point where my morning meth intake no longer had much of a kick and in fact, I’ve been able to sleep almost immediately after snorting a line or blowing some morning clouds.
This morning there was no thought about that. I was given a new topic to obsess over, and I laid out a line to snort even before putting in my teeth this morning. I was reminded that I was actually still quite focused and productive yesterday and I do have outstanding tasks that this kind of high will be helpful for.
None of that may actually be true but by the time I had to evaluate it, I was already sniffling and rubbing my nose. Good morning
It was 5:10am
I followed it up with a fudgsicle and some cookies, my pill and put the thoughts of indecision and guilt aside for another day.
I started this blog.
5am is when he leaves. There is no reason at all for me to be awake till 7am when I’m taking care of the farm animals but if I’d waited, I may have said no. No drugs today.
There are always more reasons to use than there are to quit, chiefly because the part of my brain making that list likes to be high. I get that, but I can’t disagree. Right now, in this place where everything I ever knew for support and comfort is gone, I’m happier with a brain that doesn’t obsess all day about how much life sucks.
One down side is that it’s also keeping me from making the call for help and support because I’m pretty sure that road, as helpful as it may be, with start without drugs.
I have to admit I’m a little worried quitting will be harder this time than before, but so far I’ve avoiding having to find out.
I’ve been getting progressing on my personal projects. I’ve been doing some work for friends and clients too. Today I’ll do my month end request to be paid for August invoices but I’m still not certain it’ll cover the electricity bill because once again I procrastinated getting him to help me get the financial credit only the homeowner can request. I missed the August deadline. The bill could approach $400 this month if AC costs less than heat.
Oh well. Good therapy blog post. Follow along tomorrow to see what creative reason I come up with to avoid the tolerance break.