One of my favourite concepts from my early days getting counselling, was reframing. Simply changing the words I use to describe things can sometimes make a big difference in how others interpret me. And how I feel about the idea myself.
I’m not quitting. I’m taking a tolerance break. One is less absolute and permanent. The logical part of my brain knows I need to go without using for a while, if only to see if I can, and to see how my body re-adjusts. This really should have happened quite some time ago.
My daily usage currently is more of a placebo maintenance addiction than a real drug addiction. What I mean by that is that I’m not getting what I need from the drug, but I still somehow feel the obligation of using it each morning.
Perhaps the best example of this happened today. I didn’t take any time to debate or even think about using this morning. I woke up, took my pill, put my teeth in, ate some chocolate, and then proceeded to do two lines of crushed meth.
I think it was probably about the equivalent of a few pipes worth. The miraculous effects of this are that I was able to fall asleep and enjoy a deep restful sleep for an hour and a bit. This should not be possible on meth, so I can conclude that my body has just adapted.
It worries me that when I don’t feed it that it may panic and act out.
I really wanted to get things done today. I didn’t want to go back to sleep. Even now there are several tasks that have to be done and I’m not getting out of bed. I don’t need to feel much like watching TV which used to be a major part of my day.
We’ll see how it goes after noon, when I seem to gain a little bit more energy. I always used to be a morning person but now it seems I’m at 3:00 p.m. and onward person a little more.