A lot of this week went right, despite the underlying sicknesses (plural) that I ignore to dangerous abuse levels. Recently I discovered my pill bottle on the floor next to my bed. That’s where I start this story .
I have no memory of the last time I took them. My ADHD comes with a kind of object perminance. Once the bottle was not in its usual spot, it longer existed for me.
My guess is around 4 or 5 days. That seems to be the point where my headaches and other freak-out symptoms become famuar and I rush to take a pill and catch up
Around the same time, I noticed my whole body was more dehydrated than usual . I was still drinking the same 5 litres a day, but much of it was getting peed out almost while.
Then I noticed I could not recall my last poop. It too could have been as long as a week. I was definately constipated and dehydrated boyond acceptable levels.
I started on exlax bit now that’s been a week and I’ve had a few small shots but I feel the lump and it’s clear there is still a lot of literal crap just up there blocking the rest like a fallen bolder in the middle of a mountain road.
Side effects of not paying attention to these till it’s too late, I have also not been able to eat normally or sleep normally. I lay motionless but awake a lot, and I pee just a bit every hour pretty much like clockwork
I think I got some actual sleep cycles with REM because I did dream, but then I’m up to pee and try again
Today was tone the first day I didn’t have to pee all night. I shit before bed, and it might have held till tomorrow .
Them I did that stupid thing
I admit that these 2 or 3 weeks of breaking routine allowed me to observe some new habits and patterns in my life.
Foremost, is that I kept doing meth. My body reacted differently because my dry over-full body really wasn’t in the mood to absurd the drug into my body’s inner skin walls. They’re reserve for undigested food
Around mid day I had completed a few tasks, although again, the important ones get bumped to tomorrow’s list
I took a hit and tried to masterbate. I’m weak so it was hard. Maybe I’d try in a bit
Without thinking really, I hit again a few times and at bedtime, I realize… Holy shit. My heart is pumping to fast for sleep
This was to be my sleep night. I’ve been maintaining half days of wirkand rest without really paying attention
It’s 11pm and I’ve got my heart rate down enough to give me optimism sleep may be a reachable goal tonight .. early Saturday. Maybe 3am or 4am.
That doesn’t always happen though and tomorrow is to be my first friend visitor day in three month. My buddy has a new car to show off, an old hand me down laptop for me and we also zoom around Niagara shopping for things I can’t easily get on my own
Now I may be to constipated to enjoy a good beef heavy lunch. I have no idea how long I’ll last having a play date while I’m secretly high enough to stay aeake, focused and fun.
I should cancel but I really would like to hang out
I just have to be very careful not to justify doing more before then. My addict brain really can be creative although to be fair, my brain wants to say yes anyway
At some point I’m sure my brain will say that laying here motionless is pointless. If I’m not going to sleep before tomorrow and I’m going to need to blow a few good clouds to appear normal tomorrow then fuck it … More and more.
118bpm is better than I expected. Sometimes I’m a little scared to test it when it’s really fast