It always frustrates me a little bit that blog readers get the life story backwards. No matter what page of this blog you have to read first, it’s history is in a previous post. For example today I started off talking about being off drugs for the first day. Shortly after that, I posted again saying that I had located some shards on the floor and got high again making this no longer day one of sobriety but a second last day of drugs.
Now in this post, I tell you none of it mattered and I slept the whole day. As I typed this I realized it’s a terrible example of what I was trying to explain in the opening paragraph but that’s okay. It’s all a mishmash of my life story anyway.
I don’t actually have the same pride in my right in that I once did and perhaps that will return with creativity once I’m off the focus medication for a while. I remember when I first tried Ritalin as a young adult. I stopped using it fairly quickly because although it did help with my focus, I didn’t enjoy the life around me. My creativity seems to be blocked by the drug. I experienced similar reactions when I first tried cocaine and later crack cocaine. The high this more noticeable obviously, but so was the blandness of life that came without the creativity that is so much a part of my life.
It went away a little less when I tried math. It’s the reason I thought it was nearly ideal as a drug of choice. At first I didn’t really feel any high from it, but I was able to focus on tasks, perform them with creativity, and not fall asleep during the day.
For a while after I try it I wasn’t able to fall asleep before the day, and the day after. The effects of it have changed in me over the years. I would say based solely on today, that I still enjoy life more with it than without it, but I’m still going to try and do without a little longer than half a day to see if my personality changes back to something I don’t remember currently.
When I look at my life now, it is a crap that I have gotten used to partially out of necessity and partially because the drug made life more bearable, no matter what life was or is. It didn’t bring me joy or the euphoria people describe, so much as just making the bad things not seem so bad. It’s helped me accept the situation.
Embrace the now.
Around 4:00 p.m., I stood up and now I’m outside with the dogs having fed the chickens there evening meal. It is an awesome day and all I can think about is I wish there was some place outside here I could lay down and nap like the dogs do.
They’ve been finicky this week. More than usual, it made sleeping through the day easier. I ignored them. They seem quite happy to be outside again. The weather is amazing for a mid September day so I can leave them out here for more than an hour perhaps and it might silence them a little bit.
I have to be careful not to go inside, fall asleep and forget about them. If I’m awake I can hear them barking from my bedroom, But I found my sleep only the neighbors will hear them.
Eventually the dogs decide it’s time, and we all return inside. I’ll let the decide if they want to stay in the bedroom or roam the place until our next checkpoint at 6.