I had a nice nap from 730 to 930 or so. That was nice. I felt refreshed but wondering. Was this life for the next while? Would I sleep my days away again.
The truth of my life is that I don’t do much during the days. I have animals to feed at 7, noon and 4:20 and 6 each day. I have a customer base that occasionally needs some attention, but some days that is all I have to do.
I wasn’t sleeping in between tasks because of the drug. Without it will I just do nothing? When I woke up at 930, I see more than two hours remain before the birds need me. That seemed long.
I’ve never been good at looking for things to do. If it’s not on a list, or in my email inbox, it is forgotten. Now I have time, I should get to do old stale tasks, but without the focus powers of my drugged mind, it seemed harder than before to start and complete the simple support tasks.
This is a poverty invoice month. I’ll be out of food and money this week and I have procrastinated doing the minimum invoice run. Now that task seems even more difficult.
So I found a new thing to do today. About a month ago, one of my lamps fell over causing a chain of events where various things knocked in other things and a lot of items went flying into the air and onto the ground. Among the items was my open topped meth container.
I have no specific memory of how much was in it, but it was the dish that I used to ration out smaller portions for the day or week. It started off for the week but sometimes that didn’t last. I know there was enough there for me to mourn the loss briefly. It went flying into a particularly messy area which her reasons I won’t get into made finding the pieces pretty much impossible.
Today, at around 10:00 a.m. I got a very bright light and went searching for shards. This is something that many meth users may be familiar with. The search.
The bright light was very useful for spotting little pieces that may have been Pop-Tart crumbs or other scraps and differentiate them from actual usable shards. I only found four and I’m content to not go back and look for more.
One of them turned out to be a tiny piece of glass from the day I broke my bong. I was able to catch it before trying to smoke it but it wouldn’t have broken down anyway. It would have been safe.
I try not to think too much about the image. I already have emotions over how much of a junkie I really became in the last few months. I didn’t want that image in my head. I always chose to use the words drug user instead of drug addict but looking at this area beside my bed which really was so cluttered and messy, It was yet another clue that I’d crossed the line a long time ago.
I’m living for free and a friend’s bedroom smoking meth everyday and doing almost nothing else. That’s what junkies do.
Anyway, it was supposed to be over today. I was supposed to cold turkey and continue on to a life more normal. So of course I did all the shards at once and my day one of sobriety will have to start tomorrow.
In the mean time, I’ve started invoicing and am working a customer project as well. My brain’s way of trying to convince me I need the drug with poor subtlety.