It depends a little bit on your life at this moment when you’re struggling with admitting it might be correct to say I have a drug problem. Ideally, I could remain in denial and call myself a high functioning user, and then giggle at the high pun like a 14 year old.

Because my life was bad before this stretch of using, I like to tell my story with a different slant that doesn’t make friends and family run away. My current poverty lifestyle was bound to unfold in a similar road from riches story with or without using meth and other drugs.

In other words, my life isn’t shit because of drugs. I use drugs because my life is shit. I never learned skills because I never had to. My life philosophy has never claimed to have a plan for the later years. I turned 60 last month and with my diet and lack of exercise, I never really expected to have to deal with poverty, but all the signs were there to ignore.

From age 33 when my income peaked,it was all downhill from there. I built a friendly customer base I coasted on till age 50. Less each year  so I gave up life luxuries one by one. 

Drugs were an occasional luxury I did without except special events or when surprise bonus money would appear. That is mostly how I live now, except almost all my monthly budget expenses are down to $250 in bills and a variable amount for food, so I tend to have a bit left monthly to spend on daily use.

The frustration comes with the realization that my use is not helping me get stuff done like it was supposed to. Instead of focusing on work for 4 or more hours a day, I take a few more hits and lay in bed scrolling social media and lots more porn.

I’m getting almost no work done. Every day I start with optimism and then blow clouds of productivity out the window.

But first I film more clouds and get even higher with the promise I’ll tend to the work tomorrow.

I’m not getting much sleep. I keeping inhaling more afternoon clouds and then pretending to regret it at 3am.

There is always optimism hiding the reality. I can do better… I just don’t.

Maybe I can’t do better. You’d think by age 60, I’d have figured it out… But I’m actually not hating the journey. I don’t do much, and I’m ok with that. 

Time to get high again. 

Related posts:

What really happened. So that’s what addiction is like Celebrating the end of that time when I bought a lot and it lasted till today. Always an adversary