I had forgotten how much I missed the high of not being high.It’s returned this week, faster than expected. A few coinsecutive days of drug free mind, and I actually feel more energy than expect to the point almost of being giddy with excitement.
Helping me along it’s been a good work week. I had found myself with less urgent tasks and less stress than usual because I’d lost or given away thiose customers when I was nearer my bottom moods. My Monday this week was one I’d almost use the word gllorious to describe, topped off with a great Fajita party. Previous Mondays have been stressful because of hangovers or withdrawl. Some I slept through, after a Sunday binge… or at times, a Thursday binge that continued through the weekend. Mondays became my sleep day instead of Sunday as it should be.
On a few ocasions when dealing with Tina, Tuesdays were recovery days too. I had even made the joke “Wednesday is the new Monday” and thought it cute. Now in retrospect, it was a pathetic way to punchline the problem, but since I remain my own boss, and nobody sees me check in or punch a clock, there were a few weeks when no day was the new Monday. A whole unproductive week.
So I stopped.
This is my second successful Monday in as many weeks, though to be honest, I fell short last week and used again on Thursday. However, my body complained and after some nasty allergic reactions, I agreed and gave in. I admitted to myself out loud, in writing and to my friend who’s become a temporary sponsor to call. I said it out loud. I can’t do it alone, and I can’t do it partially.
I can’t quit te hard drugs I’d become dependant on, and still enjoy the others I’ve been enjoying with reasonable responsability anymore. I couldn’t quit the bad one… because I was addicted to the high, more than the drug. I’d replaced one with another and instead of once in a while, or once a month, or even once a weekend, I’d become that guy who does it all the time. I even woke up from a dream once and smoked a bowl at 4am with the justification it woud help me return to sleep.
Nobody really needs help falling asleep at 4am if you just woke up at 3:59am. I just toked because I wanted to write and still be able to be sober the next day. I imagine thats how drunks sometimes hide it.
I know its not an accomplishment yet. I doubt very much there is a 4 day chip at any Anonymous meetings, but to me, it does feel significant. It feels good to not be high on narcotics and be happy about it. It’s been quite some time since I have gotten high on MDMA (The love drug) and that was one that used to give me rather horrible “weepy Wednesdays” 3 days after a dose.
It’s probably been a while since I’ve gone a week without drugs to be honest. It certainlt wasn’t an issue a year ago, but you don’t really think about the sober moments when you’re obcessing over when you’ll have another 12 hours free of obligation to take another hit of acid or another day to pop’a’molly.
My friends have helped by assisting in extra social time, but my head is just in a different space. I am aware that this odd unforia may also be short lived, and another effect of the withdrawl, but for today and beyond, I am pleased to ride the high of not being high.
I’m getting things done, and enjoying work. I even tackled two separate horrible incidents with a smile, like the days gone by I remember.
Needless to say, I enjoy being happy and I can tell the difference between general life happiness and the select designer happy that comes from an ecstasy pill or a puff on some weed. I can remember enough of those times for comparison and happy about life and the future is a better place to be.
I am optomistic and hopeful again instead of full of worry and sorrow. I think things may turn out alright, instead of planning how I’ll close my business down. My mood reminds me more of the quality I’ve written about inthe early days of Therapy and Paxil. I realize that may be one drug replacing another, but I;’ve always considered medicinal Paxil to be more stabilizing than mood altering. I enjoy being happy, and believe I am happy… the Paxil just stopped the negative depression from spiriling to a point of distraction. I never felt high.
As I typed that, I remember that I said similar things about the methy high.
Oh well… I won’t let my brain spoil this for me. I am in a good mood, I am not using drugs, I have no cravings to use drugs. I wish this to be the case tomorrow and continuing. I got a lot done yesterday and today and that too always makes me happy and high.
I am feuled by the smiles of the people I solve problems for or answer questions for, whether I see their faces or not.
I equally understand this may not last, as it did last week when I felt the urge to drp acid again on Thursday… however I also know I like to learn from my errors and have lived a long life of mistakes, but very very few I’ve made twice.
Tomorrow I have work planned to keep me active and busy for as long as I can maintain, after which I will head downtown to enjoy the reduced rate for weekday evenings at Canads’s largest fall fair (The CNE). Friday I have my therapy appointment where I will be discussing the sobriety, and exanining next step support including groups or personal addiction councelling.
I think I’ll be ok.
It’s actually fun to write about things without pufing pot, and that is an important, perhaps vital sign I had been saying was not easy before. In fact, I used my need for weed to read and write as a justification… even at 4am.
I end this tonight at 10pm… after having worked from 8am till 2, and 5 to 10pm with a 5 hour onsite in between.
It was a Good Tuesday. I anticipate a good Wednesday to follow.
More news later.
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