I woke up at around 2am and 4am, both of which are pretty standard times my body seems to like for a late night pee break. This time, I convinced myself to go back to sleep instead. When I woke up a third time and discovered it was 6am, I was actually surprised.
6am is the beginning of my window of wake up. I stood up, took my morning pill, ate a piece of orange flavored chocolate, had my pee break and personal cat petting time, then returned to my bedroom, closed the door and brought out my bong from its new resting place under the bed.
Hitting the bong several times is now a part of my wake up routine, and I was actually looking forward to it. It’s similar, I can only assume, to other people craving their first cup of coffee. It clears my foggy sleep mind and preps me for my day.
Except I don’t have to go to the kitchen and wait for anything to boil. It’s right under the bed and I only have to inhale and exhale a few times.
Quite a few times actually, and the chocolate bites in between gives a better palette cleanser in between. I miss the chocolate when I’m out.
This morning I decided not to make a video of my hits. That has become such a part of the routine, it was actually quite hard to resist. My phone and hard drive are full of videos of each hit from the past few days, weeks and months. It’s as much of a mental craving for me as the other two are.
Filming my smoke, and making slow progress on my smoke ring progress and then sharing those videos in new creative ways is a strange component of the morning routine. It is also the part with the danger aspect and the fan recognition.
Some days, I can spend hours on one new video production. I hyper focus on a new idea. A camera effect, or lighting while testing a new app or editor to create a short one minute music video of a topic considered taboo and illegal to most of the world.
The small world market for sharing these mini movies is limited. Add to that, the fact that the sites I do share to are saturated with other tweaked people posting their own masterpiece cloud blowing videos and I’m fully aware the majority are not really being watched. We post with an odd pride, sharing our mutual passion for showing off our shared sin, and hoping for even one like or thumbs up.
I crave the site of morning notifications. Any recognition that my efforts were seen, and possibly enjoyed… But some days I post upwards of 10 videos and I know the people are just clicking through. It’s exactly what I do when watching the first 2 seconds of theirs.
We all want the likes, but saying that forward and recognizing their efforts in return is a lower priority. They are high and horny and my videos don’t showcase my dick. 6am is not the time for an art film.
I feel like a porn actor trying to be taken seriously with a movie I want recognition for, but it is still only being shown in porn theaters. The real audience is blissfully unaware this genre of drug use artist cloud blowing music videos even exists, and the content is an issue they simply don’t want to watch.
I understand all that. I am content making videos for an audience of one, and feeling a mini high boost when it gets one or two notifications that somebody else liked it too. I’d do them anyway because it’s still fun being creative and in a strange way it’s mentally safe to have a reason I’m not famous. If I made regular videos in this quantity and shared them without anyone liking them, that would really hurt me emotionally. This way I have an understanding as to why my work is not appreciated and I feel okay with that.
I don’t want to be famous.
I just want a few fans.
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