My thinking has changed a bit since the mind opening DMT-like experience last week. My excusions into thought seem a bit more connected and I like riding out one analogy longer.
Today I have changed my norm, and woke up with diferent expereiemces for a Saturday. I have pauased my Saturday adventures for the second week in a row, although to be honest, Christmas weekend and New Years weekends are two I often take off for phschonautical adventures.
This year, my time is spent cohbitating my universe with Miss S. She is a curious woman struggling with ideas of the mind feverishly, and losing the battle. It is hard to watch. Hard not to becomes. I have a reputation of mental mimicing. I take on the emotional feelings of those I’m observing.
Miss S is going through a very tough time where her thoughts are coming at her with a negative only bias faster than she can cope. I am told I do not understand, as a chant she repeats whenever I try out loud to offer comfort by way of compasion or example. I am shiot down.
I try to learn what works nd what doesn’t but really, for the most part, nothing does. When ethe negative voice is in charge, anything can be reframes as a negative triger and I’m to be blamed.
To be fair, she’s doing quite wlel in understanding at least this part, and does not hold me respeonsible for trtying and failing. She wishes I would stiop, but is glad I am trying. It, in itself is one of the many points of confusion. Everything has a happy side, but the nagative side wins the battle.
I also find it funnt to not laugh at times, when she does the exac things I’ve said or commented on, but it’s ok when she does them. Not OKJ when I do. She is right, and I am wrong, regardless of whether we;re saying the sme things.
We are all right until somebody has a better story. IN our won minds, we don;t often – if ever, concieve ideas we knw to be wrong. There is no point. We believe what we think, until somebody external says no.
Recently she was sharing a memory of her life as a per owner. She expressed the unhappiness that she was able to use English words to describe how she was a better pet owner than everyone else on earth. Nobody could understand how good a opet owner she was, because our words wre only used to describe how other people own their pets. They quite simply didn’t “get” her level above us all. How could we. There were no words.
I had to hold back a chuckle, and I really shoukld have help back all respeonce. Instead I replied; I’m not sure how to react to that. I believe it it to be untrue. Maybe I said a lie. Hardesher and indivates intent. She did not lie. She merely stated a feeling, expeessed as sadness that sge may never ever get credit for being a better pet owner than I was, or than anyione was. We would never know her cat love, and so she was sad.
Unappreciated yet again.
The funny part to me, was that she was quite a terrible pet owner. I can not deny she had a love for her pets, and perhaps even a stronger love than everage because she lived a very alone life suffering silently and using her cats as solice.
HOwever, a lot of people do. And those people also take care of their cats. They wash them, feed them and clean up after them. FRom my memory, when I lived with her, there were rats and ferrets who were neglected and lived ina stinky unclkean hell. He 9 cats shared three gigantic 50lb green storange bins as litter boxes in a basement with cold floors and were almost never replaced. I scooped them ocasionally, only after 3 r 4 days had passed.
She did not care well for her loved pets. Certainly a far extrememe from the “BEST IN THE UNIVERSE” her current mood was showing her. A good story replaced realkity.
If you believe it, it is so.
Your reality is whatever you want it to be, until a better sttory comes along.
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So we stay silent mostly. She thinks in her loops of confusion, and I stop helping, because the fact that I have been there before, and while I can’t know what she is thinking to exact matches, I have had similar dilusiions, and have suggestions. I could have a conversation.
However… I am wrong. This sell she;s currently under makes it hard. If I am wrong before I speak, it’s going to be a short time before I have to give in. Yes… You’re right.
The ways I am corected are often funny… to me. She contradicts the simplest of things. ANy statement can be improved.
So I go in my room, and say; See you in an hour when I’ll have refreshed enough to tend to your universe for two hours or so. Then I need a break again.
ENd of noon rant. ONly a few more hours till Jan 1 and a new loop. My vents didn’t get cleaned.
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