It seems like a lot of posts start off with; OOPS, I did it again. I think I’m allowed to use that line over and over without paying royalties. Otherwise I’d file it under ADHD expenses. 

It’s 5am. I think I did sleep Friday night but I’m not sure and I know not since then for sure. It’s Monday morning and I’m out of bananas and chocolate but I do have some cookies, orange crush and meth and just about $100 to spend.

If I bought more chocolate I’m sure I’d still run out before getting another week’s supply, but they were out of stock again at Walmart so I rationed 4 bars as long as I could. Chocolate goes well with meth between hits to help keep my mouth less methy. 

I didn’t want to stay awake tonight. I lay motionless pretending for hours but it just wasn’t happening. I can’t remember when I last bonged. Probably around 6pm when I started working on my second major video for a Sunday.

I think it’s one of, if not the best. I cross posted it with pride but only one person commented and with a laugh emoji rather than a real compliment. I can keep repeating I do it all because I love it and I believe that 100% but I also love and crave praise and silent responses get me a bit bummed.

Without reactions, I can’t help going down the mental sinkhole thinking they might actually suck and bother everyone too polite to tell me. I could be breaking my prime directive by annoying daily with my continued begging for attention. I try not to think that way. At least nobody has yelled at me.

I so wish I could make these kinds of videos without the drug content and share them everywhere but then they’d just be my face and I’d look like a super egotist. That’s my second highest fear.

No. I will not cave to my imaginary projecting. I like making them and some people enjoy them silently. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. 

#prideworthy

Anyway, I couldn’t stop if I tried.