I had to abandon my whole shopping cart at Walmart today. They declined my card. The app shows I have enough money. It just fails.
I’m out with family and that spoiled my day. It’s not just that I can’t buy my groceries and I’ll have no fudgcycles or chocolate when I get home. It’s not the embarrassing Walmart issue, although that is a big part of it.
When something gets me down, my brain takes the opportunity to pile all my anxiety into my brain. One failure starts the parade of thoughts of all my failures and why my life sucks.
Not being able to pay for my groceries reminds me I’m poor, and reminds me how much I rely on the kindness of my family.
Being a dependant breaks my rule. I’m a bother. A costly inconvenience that is trapped here, constantly feeling like a burden, even if it’s not true. Most days I ignore these feelings because it’s easy. On bad days, it hits hard.