I’m falling behind. All three of my potential clients have been ignored while I started working on my game and other utility programs. I have no real goals again and I stop each one just short of completion so I don’t have to face the reality of being finished and not releasing.

I work up to a certain point and then pause or start a new version so I keep the hope and motivation alive without any real progress. I sleep till noon or later and start with momentum from 3pm onward on a different project each day offering variety and slowness. I stay just busy enough without any accomplishment.

I only take notice now, because I’m out of the drug that allows me to continue without these thoughts. I am coasting. Filling the time between nothing’s with contentment. My brain stays active and challenged without any responsibility of completion. No deadlines. No nagging. Just a constant battle against nothing.

I am pushing the wall of tomorrow by hand, not up a hill  but forward with minimal effort. A bulldozer style momentum that leaves dirt and debris on either side to be ignored as I move forward making a path, never looking back.

Ok. This blog is as much as I look on the construction. The blade blocks my view ahead. I don’t have a clue what was plowed over and pushed aside. I just know it looks like purpose to others. It seems like I have a plan. Obstacles are smoothed over and forgotten and each day, I turn on the engine, loud enough to drown out all noise and opposition. I plow on. Destroying everything in my path without concern  moving forward with the illusion of productivity. 

Lunch break. Dinner break, some TV and maybe a second nap, and then again tomorrow. I’ve cleared a field by week’s end and think that seems impressive.

My mind is blank. I don’t know what to do with this creation, so I start it all again tomorrow. Always moving forward, because I can’t find reverse.

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I prefer my life under the influence of my drug. I can’t decide if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. Being more creative without focus generates weirdness like this. I just woke up in the pm. Without anything I feel like doing, it’s easier to go back to sleep, than worry about those 3… No, 5 people I’ve been ignoring by not tending to their needs. I always want to., I always plan to be normal and finish their tasks, until I don’t, and then I don’t.

The cycle repeats. The loud bulldozer is the easy task. Turn up the headphones and plow some more.