I was sitting on my bed finishing off lunch and a feeling came over me I had long forgotten about. I thought to myself; oh yeah. This.

It’s a feeling like I want to cry, but not with an particular reason. It’s just a feeling, a little bit like when you can feel a sneeze coming that never does. This is one of the many emotions that had been held back while I have been under the influence of chemical bliss for the last year.

I don’t have to be thinking about sad things. I wasn’t contemplating my dull uneventful life or worrying about the guilt I feel about living for free in yet another basement room while others cover expenses. It’s not that those concepts are on my mind constantly, but they’re no longer weighing on me like they once did. It’s just a mood. While on drugs, this is one of the things that was allowed to be shielded.

I am sad now. It’s combined with an increased awareness of those other thoughts but mostly it comes with the thoughts of how I can get more drugs and push this feeling back down inside. This feeling is one of the reasons I turn to my non prescription happiness. It doesn’t change the situation I’m in, but it does allow me  to be less sad about it. 

My legal drug does the main work of keeping me sane. It keeps me smiling in a world where logic and deep understanding would normally restrict one’s ability to ignore all that is crazy and act like it’s fine. It’s the true wonder drug that is probably enabling to accept and adapt rather than be aware and care.

The other drug just keeps me awake and functional so without it, I feel less motivation to do anything but lay on my bed and eat sugar. It’s that concept that makes me feel worthless and sad. Not ashamed of my drug use as much as shame of my life without keeping up the appearance of productivity and progress.

When I do nothing with my day, it bothers me more these days, but it bothers me even more to be witnessed doing nothing with my life.

I don’t feel that way under the influence because I’m not that way. I’m sitting at my desk accomplishing tasks and completing my chores and even staying thin, which is a better me.

I’ve said it before. Meth isn’t a real problem in society when you’re using it. The real problem is when you stop  that’s when the crime happens and the crazy people doing crazy things. It’s hard giving up bliss.