Today will either be the last day of drug use before a short break, or the last day before a refill. Shortly I will begin the first of the last exhales of the morning breaking apart the final tiny shards conservatively trying to get three or four hits out if what would normally be just one.

I am aware how little meth is required for a big white cloud but towards the end of my supply I spit the glass into half’s and half’s as much as I can. Then the routine changes when I’m able to restock and the portions go back to big again, despite me thinking I can continue just fine on tiny chunks. Human nature addiction patterns I guess. Even when more isn’t more, we are generous when supply is plentiful.

I am ready for the emotional dollar coaster that comes along with the ritual of the final shards. The mental debate I’m so familiar with. The mental debate as to how long I could go without and if I should test it. To take a break. I evaluate whether this last week’s tapering off means I don’t really rely on the drug. 

Apart from the extra sleep that I enjoy, do I really need this drug, or do I just want it. Maybe it’s become a routine. I often smoke out of habit in a lil of the day. I never really crave it. Today I feel much more of a mood swinging need for chocolate than I ever have for meth. I hate when I run out of both the same week. It often works out that way because my consumption for one increases as the other decreases.

I am experiencing withdawl symptoms from chocolate more than meth, or at least that is the trick I force myself to consider as I prep the lSt round of the meth wake up. The two together revive my morning brain. I don’t drink coffee or tea but today, a fridge cold Pepsi will be the stand in palette cleanser between clouds.

It’s 6am. Time to begin. Lights are still off, tablet is ready to surf. I begin the ritual of the last shard, filmed to share via Snapchat and this blog. Then it’s over, with hopes to restock later today, courisy of my local friend who will generously provide transportation to resolve my deficit.

Cheers.