I find myself in a place of unusual indecision. I move back and forth in my mind as if pacing. Physically I’m half on my bed and half off, playing on my phone between the two positions I normally sit during the various versions of my morning rituals.

The confusion is caused, as you might expect if you’re a regular here, by drugs. Pretty much every morning for the past several years, I start my day using amphedemine to counter balance the ADHD issues I have. It gives me a clarity of focus that allows a more continual and productive day.

I have some work that needs to be done, and without that drug, it is much harder to do anything that I can’t figure out a way to keep those tasks interesting and produce dopamine. I’m making it sound better with these words instead of admitting that I have a need for my morning meth.

I have come to accept my happiness is dependant to some degree, and  would probably be considered addiction. Fine. I guess I am a drug addict, but that puts me in today’s weird situation.

I have drugs. They are sitting right in front of me now, ready to be used to focus and begin my projects. But they are not good. A new batch of meth that has been cut with something else. A horrid combination that smells unlike anything I can compare, except to say the smell of burning. This smell lingers in the air and my nose and effects the taste as well. 

I have no clear way of knowing what the effects may be, because even good meth doesn’t really give me a noticable buzz. It just works, but this stuff gets me focusing on the wrong things. The stink. How the house is being made aware something is going on in my room that isn’t normal.

To add to this choice, I have been told it can be exchanged, but that could be a few days away, so do I use this horrid potentially risky shit, or do I do without. Either choice will lay heavy on my mind and effect the work and my care free enjoyment of the day. Meth keeps me from being bored or depressed. It helps me get through each day in a way I have come to accept and appreciate.

It’s a bit ironic I don’t worry about my drug use on a normal day, but when my drugs seem a level of bad above the normal level of acceptable bad, I care.

This morning will probably end with me using and regretting, and then I’ll have to go through this whole thing twice more today and again tomorrow because I fear not taking any could be even worse. 

Or not.

But possibly. The instant gratification lifestyle always chooses the positive NOW over the potential   of bad future. 

Naming mental illness give people an extra excuse to say it’s not my fault. My brain just works that way.

It’s 7:20am now. Time to decide. Ha… Like I have a real choice. 

Outcome. I crushed and boofed which doesn’t have the bad smell, but depending on what the cut is, might be a bigger risk. I took the chance anyway and now I feel like the weight of the decision has passed and I’m starting to return to my normal morning productive feeling. If I believe it, it is true. Accept and adapt. Never fear the past. My morning affirmations.