I’m discovering so much about myself through other people’s TikTok videos. So many of the things I thought were unique to me are actually part of the way many people think. The struggles I’ve had were actually common and experienced by many, many others. On one hand, it can be frustrating or even depressing to learn that many of the things that make me special are not so special at all, and that can overshadow the frustration and depression that comes when you realize you didn’t have to struggle with all those things nearly as much. I saw a great description from a woman about being a Zebra in a group of horses and not knowing she wasn’t a horse until late in life. When I discovered I had ADHD, I reevaluated my whole life backwards from this new perspective, and so many things suddenly made sense. If you don’t know you’re a Zebra among horses, then you believe you are a failure whenever you don’t seem able to do a lot of things that all the horses do.
When you know you are autistic, suddenly things that you interpreted as failures were just you trying to be something you’re not. One of the things that has been most frustrating in my life makes sense now, and I can start working on solutions suited to the way my brain works instead of trying and failing because I don’t work the same way. My brain has different ways of existing in this world, and that difference has many advantages once you learn more. It’s not broken, or even disabled in the sense people assume. It’s just different, and when you combine it with the environment I grew up in,
all without this awareness, I understand things more, and try not to let the same frustrations and depression overtake me.
It’s not always that easy, of course. Knowing my brain is motivated by dopamine, fun, and excitement is nothing new. What is new is the understanding that other people’s brains are not motivated by the same things, and they may be more capable of starting a task and continuing working on that task past the point where it is no longer exciting. One of the things I love about my brain is the excitement and excitement of learning and discovering and creating, but once that excitement fades, my brain wanders off looking for some other excitement, and it can be almost impossible to remember my way back and continue what is now a chore. More often, a great idea ends up being more steps to complete. The fun art was in thinking it up and starting it with the fantasy of completion. And then partway through, thinking ahead to the immense number of steps required to continue. Then the other part of my brain reminds me that it won’t be worth it anyway. It speaks to me with the experience of every other time I’ve tried, and we both know it speaks the truth. At some point in the process, I will evaluate that it won’t be perfect and #proudwort, but why am I wasting the excitement on something I won’t like in the end?
My hard drive is filled with hundreds, maybe thousands, of ideas I was excited about but cancelled because it wasn’t going to be easy to do the work and then not appreciate it enough to share. This is my life, and understanding it might actually have made it worse, not better. The awareness didn’t change the fact that this is what I do. It’s who I’ve always been, but now I have an excuse to give up and quit with less guilt than before.
I offer a small sample of an idea I had that is already not good enough to share. I can imagine the comments, and even if I know that other people are not even close to being as critical as the voices I assign to my imaginary version of them, I still don’t feel it will be worthy of the effort it will take, knowing this feeling will be there in my head throughout the rest of any effort I expend.
This post, I already feel shame about. I typed at the speed of thought, and it is filled with errors I need to correct, but that’s a chore part that has no emotional fuel to stay happy about it. It’s almost not worth it.
