Another round through all my dirty  disgusting pipes and bongs trying to melt the black spots into smoke. The slightest puff can feel more significant in these times than a full pipeful when it’s part of your daily routine.

Today I happen by timing coincidence to also be out of butaine and all five lighters just click away with that click I’m always paranoid signals the upstairs landlord of my actions. Click click click and a 4 second glance ignites but it’s not enough.

I did manage two light hits out of all my attempts and I felt them more than the full ounce I had smoked throughout the month. I have always stood by my statement that the problem isn’t as much about meth. The problems occur when you don’t have it.

Nobody robs you when they’re on meth. They rob you when they’re out and desperate. I consider myself lucky and unlucky. I don’t get the same high that many experience from this drug, but I also don’t get the same low. The fact that I carpet scrounged twice this week and did the dirty pipes rounds was more about the effects I do get from it more than an addiction craving.

People laugh and dismiss users that justify their drug use with any reason. To those who have chosen not to try or use, drug addicts are addicts. They bulk you in with alcoholics. It’s an illness.

I would say the people may have mentally issues that some drugs handle. To me, there is less of a difference between your doctor prescribing medication or your dealer offering an alternative. I don’t enjoy life when I take two days off my Paxil, and the doctor makes it clear I should never try to stop cold turkey but nobody has ever thought I’m a Paxil addict. If I had opted to continue my Adderall prescription every day, they would not have stopped socializing with me because I’m a dangerous Adderall addict.

There is no denying I function better with the use of amphedmens for my ADHD, and energy. The way my mind survives in everyday life is literally exhausting. I don’t stop thinking and evaluating, and the focus I get from the drug balances my mind out so just saying hello doesn’t make me want to nap to recover.

Since I’ve been off it, I sleep till 3pm, and working on a task is back to the way it was before. Getting things done in small spurts over days. Never more than two or three hours at once. On meth, I can happily function on one task for 12 hours without interruption. Once you experience that kind of focus and accomplishment, it’s not addiction that makes you want to do it again tomorrow. It’s just quite simply a better you. It may be a little over compensation and more focus than the average person might have but it is a joyous 12 hours getting things done you never dreamed possible before 

Adderall was good. Not as good, but good. It was more moody especially with the timed release formula Canada enforces. Every three hours it just turns off the faucet and in the midst of a productive morning you turn blah for 30 minutes till the next dose kicks in. Like clockwork. It could happen mid sentence. Out was bothersome at work because when you break such a focused flow, it breaks the motivation and momentum. It fucks with your mood 

With meth, the period lasts longer and if it fades  you just take another hit and keep working. 

Even your breaks are focused  your csicial interaction is focused. Your stamina is constant. You don’t yawn and you’re not half dead by 5pm

It’s too bad it hits people without my neurodivergent brain as a euphoric high, because otherwise I’d recommend it to people. I have yet to be convinced by literature that the down side for me is anything close to cocaine, nicotine or alcohol. All the dangers are vague and use scary word without actually saying anything specific.

Even still, people smoke with full awareness of how horrid cancer is. People smoke even when they have cancer. That is an addiction with very few benefits it’s more habit than medicine. I’m 62 and surprisingly healthy. I don’t think I’ll get cancer, at least noth from meth. I could possibly die instantly one day from a heart attack but that could be just as possible based on my diet or exercise. In many ways, I’m actually shocked it haven’t. I never smoked even one cigarette.

It might hurt my mind. The old kill brain cells story. To be honest, I’ve never expected much from my mind as I grow older. I’ve always assumed if lose it early. All four of my parents lost memory through dimencia as they aged and I’ve had a weak memory all my life with almost zero autobiographical memory for people or emotions. I remember floor plans and signs and I’d be happy to give that up.

My entire life has been calculated and based around instant gratification. The now is more important to me than the if of the future. If something is going to suck, I put it off and enjoy my now. Often I can put the bad things and negative thoughts forever.

If some side effects appear one day  and it sucks, I’ll know I lived up to that point without worry and I’m reasonably certain I’ll still find a way to smile and make jokes.it might even be easier if my brain has deteriorated. Having a high IQ has been more of a bother than an advantage so far although I do credit my intelligence for allowing me to navigate a weird lifestyle where I almost never spent much time doing anything I couldn’t find fun. I don’t do things I don’t like doing, and not many people can say that.

Meth broadens my scope because it helps make things enjoyable because I can focus and actually do things. I’m not endorsing it or saying it’s for everyone but for me, it has been a good fit and this break from it has been forced my preference.

My life is better under its influence than without it. I use it medicinally to keep my sane, happy, focused and productive in a life that might otherwise be far less bearable. It is my intent to continue once the option is available without regret. I prefer a life without regret because it is Intune with my instant gratification lifestyle. 

To quote Raul Julia from the 1976 movie The Gumball Rally. The character is Franco, played by Raul Julia, and he’s driving a Ferrari Daytona

“… what’s-a behind me is not important.”