Frequently I have been surprised when Friday arrives but this week I’ve been paying attention to the days and Wednesday is right on schedule. Three days into the week where it should be I managed to sleep a full night although I did wake up every hour or two to drink a little bit more water or to release a little bit more water into the system. I eventually woke up just after 5:00 as the sunlight came in and after returning from the washroom I spent some time on the desktop computer instead of going back to my bed. 

I energized myself and discovered one of the solutions to getting my butane lighter to last longer and work better during refills. 

It’s a little frustrating to admit that the solution had been taught to me twice before by other users and I chose to ignore it as fake news but in reality there are instructions and when you follow them things work better. Apparently filling your butane lighter is more effective if you turn the dial down and release some of the butane that’s already in there. Then when you’re done filling you readjust the dial and your flame comes back strong and stays full longer. 

Sometimes when people give you a tip you ignore it turns out to be the right answer and I fully admit to being wrong. My favorite lighter is working again and that is a joy and reward that outshadows the embarrassment I have. 

On my computer screen I have left open the task that I have been ignoring with optimistic hope simultaneously with pessimistic reality that I want to work on it today and I know I probably won’t work on it today and saying that should make me want to work on it today but my experience tells me I will sit down and I will do almost nothing and then give up and I can’t explain why. 

I want to believe that these kind of mental blocks have been with me my whole life and it usually just takes an angry customer to get me back on track but not always. And now with the increased awareness of this executive function paralysis that everyone is talking about on ADHD TikTok My brain seems to be using that as an extra excuse to not do things. 

My 1-year anniversary here came and went without any family meeting. I have mixed emotions partly of relief in the realization that my current housemates really are mature adults that are accepting and allowing me to live my own life. On the other side of that coin, I am not mature adult and should not be allowed to live my life without supervision and assistance but among my troubles are the inability to say that out loud and ask for help. When I moved here it was under the assumption that I would receive help but like every aspect of life, it seems less obvious to others than it should be in my head. So I coast. As always. I make no decisions awaiting the universe to make some of them for me but at least here I have happy friendly people around me and a minimum stress. Almost no stress except for them the bits in my head that I make up. 

Mental health is the one area where admitting you have a problem is half of the solution. It’s not. 

It’s 6:00 a.m. now and I’m back in bed finishing off the second half of my morning chocolate bar. I remembered to take my pill and I am planning the rest of my free time before I venture out to the farm to begin the day officially. 

It’s July 10th and I’m still behind on payments incoming and outgoing so I need to do my invoicing today. I have been extra slack because of a problem with my bank card and I am still in trouble with that because certain things need to be paid by PayPal and PayPal isn’t connecting to my bank which means I have to go through extra loops to get money to pay those bills and not paying them is a bad thing. 

It’s gone on more than a month now and it’s frustrating so hopefully that becomes a priority today. I know the right thing to do is to not use words like hopefully and be confident and get things done but I know it doesn’t always work that way and that knowledge is what causes the problem of procrastination for me. I put things off for tomorrow even if I know they won’t go away this time. 

Let’s hear it for Wednesday. A productive day!