To me, the first Afiyetle. 어, 좀 비밀번호가 있어. It’s a loose respect for someone. It usually becomes a distant thing. I have the respect for some of the Афоску. And the two dogs.
Let’s try that sentence again with a better speech to text translation. That was an experiment using the one built into a new tool I obviously won’t using.
The original sentence was basically about the difference between respect and trust, and that it’s easier for me to trust someone than it is for me to regain lost respect (because, to me, respect shows a mindset that allowed something to happen that I can’t conceive, and trust can be on an individual basis).
.In other words, I can trust a person I don’t respect, but only to a certain point, I guess, so maybe they’re both irreversible for me. Friendship is a complicated concept I never really mastered.
Of course, I have no way of knowing the rules of respect and trust for other people, but while trying to figure out a little bit of the previous chapter of my life story… I’m still trying to figure out a little bit about why I was unceremoniously kicked out of that house and that life. Have a theory and of course, in the way that humans survive that Siri fits nicely into the narrative I have predetermined in my mind.
Unfortunately, my sister and I never quite meshed as nicely as either one of us would have liked. There was always a slight tension, at least in my brain, and sadly, I spoiled it within the first few minutes of our meeting three years ago.
I say a lot of stupid things in my life, and most of them I can blame on ADHD or my autistic tendencies, but that doesn’t make them any less stupid. It just makes them diagnosable.
In my previous residence, when I lived with the crazy man early in that relationship, I had told him I thought I was very smart, and that triggered a defense response from him that he was smarter, but just street smart. I think it caused a rift that stayed with us through the whole time together. I think he was always feeling like he had to prove himself, and it created a theme for the relationship.
In my sister’s case, early on, maybe even the first day of re-meeting her after years of living on different coasts, I made the rookie, stupid mistake of saying she was my second-favorite sister. I then described some of the things that had led me to that decision in my mind, many of which turned out to be untrue.
I grew to respect my sister greatly, and her accomplishments in life and business were undeniable, but we were never a close family because I had no family emotions or even memories, really. Still, I think it caused that similar rift of competition between us, and I was always a little sad that I don’t think she saw me as an intelligent rival. She never called on me for computer assistance. She never took advantage of my web knowledge or computer support even when she desperately needed it. The deep conversations we ever had were during car rides and they primarily included her venting about her work which she had retired from but still held grudges..
To some extent, I think she let the terminology of autistic ADHD cloud her judgment, and she saw me somewhat more disabled and incapable than I saw myself. To be fair, I probably appeared that way because my lifestyle has always been a very lazy lifestyle to an observer. I don’t do things unless they are a reaction or a request. It worked out well for me when I was in tech support, in that I could stay at home and watch TV and basically do nothing until a call came in. Then I snapped into action, solved the problem, often with experience and skill that was impressive if you got a chance to see it.
She never got a chance to see it.
So I think over three years that I lived there, I was not to give the chance to shine with my intelligence because nothing was asked of me and it appeared to me that nothing was expected of me. I was offered a new life on a farm with minimal chore but also minimal access to the world. Without a car I was unable to get a real job in the city and it never really seemed to be an issue. We smiled and laughed and had occasional dinners together and it seemed to me like a reasonable relationship. I tried to stay out of the way for the most part and not be an annoyance.
The only guilt that I had was that I wasn’t really contributing, and if they took me somewhere like a fall fair or out to dinner at a fancy restaurant, which was their way, I wasn’t really participating in the financing. Eventually, in the third year, I started paying out of my pension money, which was $300 a month. To me, I thought that was an adequate payment for the occasional expenses that I would have incurred for them, such as a dinner out, the hydro I used, or the bananas that I ate.
Then one day I was taken aside and told I hadn’t progressed as much as they expected, which was news to me. From that moment on, there seemed to be somewhat of a rush to get rid of me, although I had previously been told that when they moved, there would be a room for me. At that point, it still seemed like I was a welcome participant in their life, but now they seem to be rethinking all of that and wanted to move without me.
To some extent, I understand that sentiment because it looked like they had unexpectedly run out of money in her retirement, or at least were heading to an income level they were not previously accustomed to. It became apparent that they might want to spend their retirement traveling in a trailer, or at least living in a trailer, and there was no longer a place for me once they sold the farm.
I would have accepted that answer, but instead what I got was, “I haven’t changed,” and they expected a short-term visitation. I was, or at least as it seemed to me, no longer welcome, no longer wanted. In short, “Please leave.”
Once that had been put on record in the pages of my life story, it seemed rushed. Her husband, who I had become quite friendly with in the months that she spent away, was eager. Airline arrangements were made, and one day, I believe on a Thursday, I was told to be ready by Monday because he’d bought the tickets. Second shock.
A couple of financial promises were retracted, and now I’m spending money each month out of my paltry income back to BC to compensate. That seemed a little bit like a slap in the face, but if I had lost the respect and trust of that couple, who were my only friends for three years, then I suppose it is justified.
There’s a term that I like to use in life: “when doing the right thing makes you feel like a schmuck because everyone else is doing something else.” I think that the point came when they felt like a schmuck for letting me live there, using their air and their expenses. Probably some friends said, “Why is your brother living in your basement? Does he pay you?” Things like that, conversations with friends.
In some of my other writings, I talk about irritation points: things that accumulate slowly over time until they reach a point when you stop and say to yourself, “Yeah, why am I doing this?”
In my case, I am assured that I can be irritating. I noticed it slowly over time because they stopped asking me to do things that were genuinely helpful but potentially annoying in the way that I go about doing things. I take shortcuts, and what I declare as my best is often not as good as their expectation, making the request almost useless. It’s another irritation that adds u I think the final straw was probably the weekend they were in Calgary, and I had a mini party with friends that I probably shouldn’t have. Things were stolen, and nothing was ever the same. I can’t say if I was blamed in their hearts, but it certainly changed the mood that I would let drug-using thieves into their home. Had they been there, it probably would have gone down exactly the same way, except it seemed like it was a deception that it happened on the weekends that they were gone. It seemed like maybe I knew more than I did, which I didn’t.
I think that was the start of the end: the moment when trust and respect were questioned. Although different for different people, trust and respect are really hard to get back once you’ve crossed certain lines in their minds. They feel like schmucks for continuing, so I was asked to leave. In the process of me trying to figure out this story, I often wonder whether tests or traps were laid. If you can’t trust someone, or you suspect you shouldn’t be trusting someone, do you test that?
One thing happened in the interim, and I wish I could remember whether it was before or after they asked me to leave, but I think it was before. A test that didn’t look like a test, but I certainly failed it with reasons they would be unaware of that would look clean like a fail. I’m being vague because it wasn’t a test, and I don’t want to blog about it. It’s just an obsessive overthinking mind, but if it was a test, I guess I can understand.
Trust was broken, and the last thing you want is to have somebody living in your basement, taking care of all your animals that you don’t trust. It just would have been nice to be told that instead of, “Well, you didn’t progress as much as we had expected. You stayed exactly the same as you always were, and we just don’t like it anymore. Bye.”
It was a major ask of someone who has clearly not enough income to live anywhere else without lots of planning. A shockingly cruel thing to do, in my mind. I just wish I knew what changed what.
As usual this blog was written in deep thought when I was supposed to be doing something else so I’m stopping here and I will go and do something else.
