Time to celebrate, by sleeping

I can hardly bring myself to blog, which I seem to remember is a common symptom of my depression. Ironically the periods of my life I’d most like to document and remember are those times when I least feel like…

I can hardly bring myself to blog, which I seem to remember is a common symptom of my depression. Ironically the periods of my life I’d most like to document and remember are those times when I least feel like writing.

I suppose smoking a little weed might help, since the majority of my blogs are influenced or at least inspired by my high mind, but I’m not getting high these days. I’m living in a stage of hope. Hoping that the next life story chapter is a return to normalcy, or at least closer to what I perceive as normal.

I’m trying my best to think happy thoughts, based on my knowledge that I love working around people. I thrive in an interactive environment. I block the thoughts of all the ways I can fail, mostly because the absolute worst case scenario is where I am now. Even a castisrophic failure would only mean I move back here, where I am now.

I understand much better now that I won’t fail. I’m liked, and I do good work. I’m social and compitent and can handle the task in front of me.

Sadly, that doesn’t make it any easier to start. I have no support system to get me out of my bed, on a bus. And off to my new home. My new job. My new chapter. It’s sitting there waiting. With minimal steps to accomplish and only fictional obstacles I dream up to keep me in bed.

The “what ifs” my brain can come up with are insignificant. They’re all good. I can even feel the emotional high of normalcy and a desk job in a friendly environment. It is as perfect an opportunity as I could imagine… And yet, it’s 4pm on a Monday. I could have already started if I had decided. I could be there tomorrow without any difficulty at all.

I type; but I won’t. I won’t do what I need, and despite knowing it’s wrong, I say it will still happen. I’ll stall at least a few more days slowly dropping hints and incentives to friends for support and nudging. I’ll do nothing until it’s embarasing. I have no deadline to leave things till the last minute. I’ll just delay until I don’t

Then I will. I’ll do it. Enjoy it. And it’ll be a story of how good it is… But that story didn’t start today. It’s Easter Monday. Maybe they were not even open. Yeah… That’s today’s excuse to procrastinate. I’ll think of a new one tomorrow.