There are a few things in my life that I notice for the first time over and over. What I mean by that is that I noticed them and I think of that’s interesting without realizing that I have noticed them before in previous loops. 

One of them is when I start to think about the potency of my drug and I wonder whether or not it’s the drug that is not as good this time or my reaction to it which is not as strong as I expect. That’s what inspired this blog post just now. I haven’t once through the last ounce of my secondary medication felt abuzz. At all 

Now traditionally I don’t really get spun or high from methamphetamine. I use it primarily for productivity to keep me working and productive and awake but I don’t get the euphoric buzz that people generally relate to this medication and that’s fine. It’s an ADHD thing. But there is usually some degree of noticeable change if I take a recreational amount instead of a medicinal amount. Not what this stuff and I can’t help but wonder if it’s the stuff or if this is my tolerance level from now on. 

However recently I have started to discover cognitive decline and I have to wonder whether or not it’s something that I frequently notice and just forget about. Then I have to debate whether or not it’s because of old age, my diet, my drug use, or just my bad memory which is also an ADHD thing. 

You can’t really tell for sure whether you’re forgetting things more than you used to. I can notice that I’m struggling for the right word a little bit more but not an annoying amount more and I am 62 with a family history of bad memory and a personal history of weird memory. I recently found out there’s a new term for it in the age of naming mental differences. I don’t attach emotion to my memories so I don’t remember people or events as well as I remember floor plans or signage.