It’s Monday after noon and I’m still having trouble getting into my blog. It bugs me that I can’t blog even though there are no visitors reading it. It’s become somewhat important to my mental growth. I learned some new things about ADHD brain from TikTok this week. Interesting twists to my story.
This is a time of refection and evaluation. Often this happen around my birthday or in crisis times of debt when I’ve had to ask for money. Not having to ask for money is proving to be stressful in a different way. ironically I’m having difficulties being content with supervision. I am allowing myself to be stress free and content with my current lifestyle and position and that is stressing me out. My sister and her husband are giving me the freedom to live my own life in my bedroom without much interfering or attention. Some days I may not even be seen.
I do my morning rounds feeding and counting the animals, followed by a nap, lunch, and the afternoon chores. Most days I tend to my own dinner and then an early bed. In between I may watch TV, spend time on my phone social media, and some time editing my video blog or YouTube.
Some days I have actual work tasks or cleaning tasks but many of those are forgotten about it intentionally delayed just because that’s the way my brain works. My activities seek out dopamine like a heat seeking middle flies towards its target and cleaning my room gets passed over day to day.
It is number one on my list today. Right now actually, but I picked up my phone and tried to blog instead. When I discovered my blog was still suffering a usage overload error, I switched to Jetpack, which allows me to blog offline and update later but I know this means I will go to my computer and spend time trying to figure out this problem instead of picking up the vacuum and doing the priority task.
In my head I am continuously aware of my own emotions of guilt that I project onto the other housemates. I think I understand what they’re thinking and it’s negative. It certainly may not be and they might be quite happy with my arrangement here but I’m seldom happy with myself when there is a way to worry about it available to me.
So now, when I don’t clean my room I will have that hanging over my head knowing that they really want my room to be cleaner than it is. It is quite messy and although I can live with it myself I will say that it’s nicer when it’s not messy.
My elder sister came to visit yesterday with her husband and I would not be willing to show my room off. Not that there’s anything in my room worthy of showing but still, it was in my head that they might ask. They didn’t
My room may be My sanctuary where I live most of my life and always have, alone and away from the stressful outside world. I say that I crave interaction but in truth I’m more comfortable laying on my bed playing on my phone or watching tv.
So I should be happy, and I have been up until last week. It’s just a phase I suppose. I will seek approval sometime soon. I will work it into conversation or directly ask if it’s still okay to be here doing what I do. That’s a scary question to ask of course because the answer might be no. They may ask for more work around the house or assistance. They may give me new tasks. They may change the comfort level that I have, so it’s a weird place to live in at this time.
Of course this is totally in my head, and I’m used to it because that’s the way I have lived in every situation. Content until I’m not content. Worry and guilt about being me. The guy that tries to live without actually doing much effort or labor at all.
I can’t let myself be proud of living a life that upsets or inconveniences or annoys other people. I seem to be happy living unhappily. Even when I find things that give me joy like my YouTube channel, I constantly think it’s not going to keep me happy.
Sigh. I’m not happy with this blog entry but I’ll post it anyway because it’s honest even if I don’t understand what I’m saying. That’s the kind of week I’ve had. Blah
