I’ve been telling a story lately about how I used to combat bullies in my life simply by making it less fun for them. This morning I think I see that idea being used against me in a similar way. I’m uncomfortable in my new life because they are not accepting my failure. They are calm and polite and seem to hide their objections or complaints for the most point, bringing them up as favour requests with justified explanations in such a caring way.

As horrible and destructive as I am in my own mind, they seem to be trying their very best to help. I seem to be trying my best to need it. Everything in my core is against that, and so it would seem I react by being much worse on hopes my guilt will be relieved and they’ll throw me out.

I’m like a bad kidney a family member risks all to donate and my body rejects just because I feel the debt is too much to bare. I feel bad because my brain can’t understand why they keep smiling and saying everything is ok.

It’s messing with my emotions that I’m throwing my crazy at them and they wash it off and ask if they can help. I’m confused. I don’t want to be this. I also am happier than I would be if their reaction was on the direction of what I expected. I project the dussapointment and anger at them because I feel it would be normal to be dussapiinted or angry in this story.

A married couple who seem to have a functional and caring relationship take in a charity case without a background check and I turn out to be an emotionally unstable, drug using, confused slob with no job, no car, minimal incoming money and the apparent inability to take care if myself in even the smallest of tasks.

It had to be a shock. It is a disruption to their routine and happiness in more ways than they could have predicted or planned for. With each new revolution of exactly how bad this idea was, they don’t freak out. They shield me from any true emotions and show me kindest compassion and understanding. It’s hard to accept.

It’s hard to understand unconditional support. I don’t know how to react. I need to know if this behaviour is real, or a mask. I am not adapting well to being a burden to a couple that refused to let me know I’m a burden. 

I push without knowing, searching for clues to how they feel. Some are there, but they defend with a smile. In my head I compare what my projection of the proper dussapointment would be, and then I work out a story of how they actually react. My assumption is they’re hiding anger and dussapointment behind the facade. 

It’s sad to realize I’m dussapointing people even if they’re not dussapiinted. I’m writing their story based in the only reaction I know. I can’t comprehend how they’re not angry and dusapointed, so I choose to believe they are, even when faced with a positive face.

That’s when I take anything I can observe to defend my position. A side comment, or a passive aggressive reaction becomes my proof. I have broken my vow to not inconvenience.

I don’t know how to handle life unless I’m apologizing and promising to be better. I’m hearing the yell even when it isn’t there. I’m hearing the frown and discussions all the way from their cottage retreat. I await the moment I’ll break them and finally they’ll have no choice but to explode and kick me out.

Bam

Revolution. Is that who I am? Did I make my father angry? Do I make people dussapiinted? Do I fail because I don’t feel I’m worthy of any other reaction? 

Bam. I discovered other people with esteem issues and self doubt reject compliments. They don’t trust them. I thought I was past that in my progress but I see now that is what I’m doing.

An almost perfect life was given to me like a gift from my fairy godparents and I am testing it with disrespect because I need to be a dissapointment. How else will I say I’m sorry. I’m addicted to saying I’m sorry.

I’m doing that in my business too, and in every other aspect of life. I see now that the things I do are almost designed  or at least calculated to display an image of imperfection. 

It is my defense against love and acceptance. I come at you strong with my crazy dirty untidy self so you can’t love me, and I don’t have to deal with all that complexity. If you keep saying yes, I seem to have things in reserve to pull out. It’s a horrible battle to witness and just now, figure out.

I’m saying, how can you be ok with this? How are you not yelling and kicking me out? With every explanation of understanding, I am forced to try harder. However trying harder can mean working to earn that understanding and approval by actually being better, or, as my brain follows the pattern of least resistance I try harder to be worse so I get the more comfortable reaction of dussapointment without even realizing it.

Bam. That is what I’m doing without knowing. They are saying yes,band I fig deeper for weapons of dussapointment. They say they understand, and I react with; ok… And throw my food on the floor in front of them. In my head, I am sincerely believing I want this good life, but I’m sabotaging it because I can’t handle people being happy with me for extended periods of time.

My cycle is try, fail, apologize. The best smiles come from frowns. 

It’s so confusing because I hate myself when I upset people. I hurt when I see I’m hurting others… But I continue because the reward is strong. I also know that people feel better when they accept an apology and promise to approve. I’m using that as well. I’m working for that happy ending, and then I close that story and begin the loop again.

This pattern is a proven success for a limited time. With each new torsion if dussapointment and forgiveness I lose ground, with the expected result that eventually they catch on and dismiss me. For some, it happens fast, and for others, the pattern of forgiveness transitions into loyalty and is a point of pride. They can’t disconnect at that point. Until they do.

I move forward with a rear view of people I’ve burned. Some retain a relationship with me, but most I have used up to a point of rescent. I abused their generosity to a point they feel used but also, they feel stupid for believing I would improve.

It may be why I don’t complete projects on time. I linger. I push my luck because I need to apologize, be forgiven and work for praise. If I complete the task, that ends.

I leave all my loops open so nobody gets to be happy with my work, because that means it doesn’t get evaluated. It gets to be judged. If it’s a work in progress I can always apologize and fix something.

These new kind people are throwing me off. They’re disrupting my routine and stripping it’s power by bypassing the loop and forgiving before my apology. They’re not giving me the dussapointment but skipping ahead to approval and encouragement and it’s taking me a while to adjust. My bag of bad habits isn’t empty yet. 

I’ll get thrown out if it’s the last thing I do. 

Even as I write that sentence, I see the absurdity of my mindset. This couple is sincere in their offer. It’s not a trick. It has limits like any other, and I sense my actions are silently cutting them deep. I might break them before I break and that would be a shame I will no doubt regret for longer than a day.

This writing has opened up my eyes. I see a trail if wreckage behind me but since I consider myself a mess, I emerge with minimal change or damage. I live in my head, but I didn’t really notice how much I’m impacting those who forgive until they feel broken, and I suspect it changes their whole view of forgiveness forever.

Bam

That’s the drug addict story, not the a.d.d mental health story I thought I was living. Use and abuse is for people far more than the drugs. I burn through my bridges but I’m always on the other side moving forward before they crumble and fall. 

WOW. I’ve given myself some strong imagery today. I’m not sure I can save this at this point. I’ve already pushed farther than I feel anyone should accept. I may already have broken this fine middle class perfect family.

I have brought some bad stuff into their life and dispute their attempts to smile and accept, there is still more. Worse things to reveal and test their ability to forgive. I am a horrible person to save… And yet, I am an maxing person to know. 

I am slow to figure out how to release one and not both. It’s the structure I’ve built my life around. You’ll meet both of me and think the good Jeff is worth forgiving the bad Jeff.

I just figured most of this out in this writing but that doesn’t mean I’ll be able to stop this pattern of behaviour in time to save this current situation. It involves asking for a new kind of assistance and understanding and to do it without hurting them more  and without drugs seems so mind bogglingly hard, I fear it’s easier to just stay until I’ve broken them for trying, and move on.

I see now, that’s what I did in all previous versions of my struggle. I fake improvement until they catch on and I’m forced to start my loop with somebody new.

Wow.

I have no idea where to go from here and I am already aware in my head I’ll say yes to whatever is offered and try, but I know it will be another show to extend the loop of forgiveness until they catch on.

Bam. I need therapy. I need a response from somebody who I won’t be able to appease with a promise a few more times.

— I also need to understand how sincer the people I live with are. I’m working on the assumption they’re already feeling betrayed by me, but if their mindset is sincere and willing, I should be able to adjust and adapt to …

I can’t tell if I’m being honest to myself or feeding myself my own line. Almost all of this discovery was new to me as I typed.

I might possibly have COVID-19.

End of part 1.

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