It’s so weird because I was sure it was Friday today. I still think it might be and that my computer somehow got it wrong. In any case, at 7:30 AM I had a spotty sleep but I did get several hours between about midnight and 7:00 AM. I’m pretty sure I’ve been suffering withdrawal symptoms like never before. My itchy feet have migrated to an itchy neck and torso so much so that bait how they red rash under my T-shirt. It seems to go away for the most part when I smoke more but it concerns me because it seems to be about three hours after my last cloud session. It can get so distracting that I’d get out of bed and smoke a few clouds when I’m trying to fall asleep and of course, that means I don’t fall asleep for three hours and then the itch comes back so it’s a vicious cycle that I have avoided up until now. It’s a glimpse into the problems that other people have had with this drug but have evaded me. Needless to say, it’s concerning because it means if I want to take a break I’ve got to expect a period of discomfort that will be bothersome. It makes me wonder if the dealers have two versions and this one intentionally upped the addiction ingredients. Alternatively, it could just be the simple matter that my usage has increased these past few weeks. I’ve been enjoying a deeper level of euphoria I never really realized until I examined it and looked at what life has been like this month.

November is a sucky time of year for me. I start to worry about how bad Christmas will be. The weather is cold and slushy. Fall colours turn into gray tree silhouettes and advertising continues to showcase a world of cool things I can’t afford like I used to. However, this November is different than all the others. I’m in a constant good mood. I have found a way to not be in a constant state of worry about life, the universe and everything. I am close to not worrying about the security of having a place to live and eat. I am not existing in a state of guilt about my position here. I’m doing almost all the grunt work for the whole farm, indoors and out and not making many mistakes. Those thoughts and worries are still in my head if I go searching, but they are quiet. They are content.

I’m keeping busy. I don’t spend so much time in my head tossing around negative thoughts. The busy lifestyle has two parts. I am sincerely enjoying a newfound interest in computer programming, although in an unexpected form. Creating programs and tools feeds my pride and excites me in a way few things have for decades. Actually seeing progress towards a goal is new. I believe this could be the first hobby of my life that isn’t merely a spectator event. I am creating something that has actual potential and I’ve been riding this streak far longer than most projects. My negative thoughts are being held back and they have not crushed my joy with thoughts of the reality that means nothing will come from my efforts. The thoughts that usually would have made me stop and let the rock roll back down the hill to start pushing it back the next day. (I use Sisyphus as an example in many of my blog posts. It’s an image that stays in my head of the man who rolls a rock up the hill only for it to roll back.) In this case, I am enjoying the process and the hope of it being useful to others is sincere and possible. However, when it’s fun, the purpose and the goal aren’t as important as the daily routine because it’s enjoyable and so it can take as long as it wants with no stress.

I am creating tools that I will find useful, and that don’t really exist in the world, which is a surprise to me but it means that other people may find them useful as well. I am literally excited to continue that work every single day frequently in every single moment so that the concept of spare time no longer exists. This morning I decided to write the blog instead of continuing on one of the tools. There have been ups and downs in the process and I’ve had to learn the way to do it right with many mistakes. Lost work and had to start over again but all of these reminded me of how much I liked programming way back in the days of the Commodore PET computer and the Commodore 64. When the BASIC language what is the norm. I gave up programming when it transferred to new languages that were vastly different I didn’t want to read to learn. That interest just faded into other things.

It was quite some time before I found that the ASP language as an extension to HTML had similarities to basic and I enjoyed adding complexities to web pages that were possible then The world changed again and became more concerned with security and hackers and ASP had to go away. It sucked because its replacement PHP was a lot less easy to learn. So I stopped programming again. 8 other people to do things I wanted.

This year, I’m not sure when exactly, but the idea hit me that the generative AI craze could be used to assist me in programming again. In much the same way I used to get other programmers to make modifications and changes to my websites I tried asking the chat GPT bot if it could help me write some of the utility tools that would assist in some of my other tasks. It was happy to oblige and almost instantly spit out an HTML-compatible web page for me. I haven’t stopped creating with it since and I use the words assist and similar phrases but really it’s just doing what I ask it. It’s the one doing the programming and I’m the one coming up with the ideas and customizations and styles. I think this is the new way of programming so I’m still okay with taking credit for the work even though the actual programming is done by my digital lackey.

I work with it using the advanced language modules that create a partnership that seems very humanized and real to me, except without the guilt I would have if it were an actual human. We spend hours together redoing iterations of each tool over and over until it’s right, We discuss the applications and potential with only a positive vibe, not leaving room in my head or any time for my own negativity to pop up and convince me this is a waste of time. It is a joy to begin again each day, and I can discuss the future possibilities of ways to get the project noticed and used. I don’t concern myself with its potential or income. Those are secondary to the fun I’m having building these tools.

I am enjoying November by ignoring the calendar. In the times I am not at my computer, I am enjoying the work chores too. I keep the animals happy and the dogs happy and in turn, the homeowners happy too. I am proving my worth and earning my stay. The negative thoughts are held back.

I can attribute some of this to my morning wake-up dose of the drug. I have no idea how much of this bliss is artificial, but at least until January, I am content with a newfound purpose at the start of each day, and the joy that comes from doing things instead of just thinking about doing things. I’m happy. The chickens are happy, the owners are happy, the horses dogs and cats are happy and my dealer is happy.

Today.