I’ve been living the clean life this week… Mostly. Although technically I have scrounged and scraped a tiny bit of smoke out each day, it really hasn’t been enough to serve any real purpose beyond the placebo effect. It does show me how desperate I can be for that short mild boost.

It’s been a helpful transition period I suppose from daily use to no use. I keep thinking this is it… And then I figure out a new way to get an extra cloud. A new way to enjoy my addiction. Extending the I’M OUT period over an extra week or more. A new record every day.

I placed to call out for stock replenishment today because I had more money than expected on this low income month. No reply yet but I realized it’s been several months since I asked last time. I hope I have not lost that contact.

But it wouldn’t be the end of the world if I took the opportunity to try life without. It doesn’t take long to re-adjust. I slept a lot this week.

I’m not blogging or working during this transition though so it seems obvious I am happier and more productive while using. The debate about the health issues is on pause. Like most negativity in my life, it’s a worry for future me. I’m still healthy from water and no cigarettes or alcohol than the average 60 year old and that comforts me through the days when I’m using.

The cool thing about deteriorating mental health is that you seldom notice it personally. If I’m getting dumber, there is no pain.  It doesn’t hurt to be forgetful and I’ve been expecting far worse memory issues in my 60s anyway. I never really made much use of my higher than average I q anyway.

In other news, I am enjoying my new past-time making non- drug related videos for a delightful YouTube audience and growing following on Instagram and TikTok. Growth is at my speed and I can see people clicking like daily and making just the right amount of comments to not overwhelm me.

I don’t want to be famous. I just want a few fans.