When I’m low on my drug, I ration the doses so I don’t have to go without any at all. It’s probably not a good plan but to some extent it does give me a small amount each day instead of going cold turkey until I have a car and funds at the same time, and can go restock.

The problem happens that I also have to eat and my budget often forgets I need to restock that too, pretty much every week. It often happens that I can budget for drugs and then realize I’m out of food too and I slice my money in half, meaning I but less drugs, which costs more, and cycle repeats.

But the real problem is my overall mental state existing on less than my normal daily dose. My brain is used to a certain level of the drug. It know that to achieve a comfortable level of confidence, happiness, focus and productive work, a lower dose leaves it in a weird craving unhappy unproductive mood where it wants me to sleep all day, while thinking about everything too much to be able to sleep.

Thinking too much mainly about what it feels like to not have the right dosage, and why I can’t do any of the things I need or want to do, and worrying constantly about the consequences and how the rest of the house will react the sloth me.

Having two obstacles in the path to the solution sucks. Poor with restricted vehicle access means I can’t even know how long it will be to the relief of the buy. I’ll run out and end up going without tomorrow after several uncomfortable days, reconsidering how much better it probably would have been to use it all up at once and not have the overthinking limbo.

But I’ll probably repeat the wrong behaviour again next time because it feels right to not feel right. 

I wish I had just a little left to use every minute of days like today but I keep back enough to wake me up tomorrow and suffer both days.

Oh well. It is what it is as they say.

The loops are depressing. Doubt about life appear in the idle moments like fruit flies suddenly there when they were not yesterday. I start wondering, not about the matters of the universe, but about how I’m going to handle the day my health is no longer miraculously great for a man with my habits and duet and routine of living on my bed.

I leave the house for an hour each morning to perform the minimum amount I can work out while still tending to the animals needs adequately and then I’m back either on the computer or working from bed. I stay mentally active on my usual drug dosage but without, my work goes on hold and I spend the day thinking about not doing those things but mostly about how everyone will react to me being a loser not doing my work.

It’s worse than the normal blah days that come up now and then. When you remove the influence of the drug that keeps you content in life, you realize it is the drug that fas been keeping you content in life, and that is the kind of realization that I use the drug to avoid thinking about.