The one where I admit I’m scared…

Drug Posts, Not Proof Read - 1st Draft, Personal Journey

Do I? At least it’s the one where I got as far as the title being a bit scared. The thing is, I spent the last 5 years buildinbg up an immunity to being scared. My best plan so far,…

The one where I admit I’m scared…

Do I? At least it’s the one where I got as far as the title being a bit scared. The thing is, I spent the last 5 years buildinbg up an immunity to being scared. My best plan so far, is to wait until somebody makes me react to the future. I keep it all in front of the wave of awareness and only realize there is a thing coming. I may not expect it, but when it comes, I’ll say I knew it would. Whatever it is… My attitude of ignore it till you c an’t. It might go away.

It often does… more than you’d expect.

but a few times in my life, I hve been low enough to need some finan cial support. I have surviuved ightly on $1000 loan once or twice.

I no longer have that support system.

Very soo, I will be back to maiing an income of less than I owe, even after all my luxuries get dumped.

Nobody knows. I literally blew a lot of money on women and drugsa… and I still didn’t get layed.

I’m doing it wrong, so I ran out ahead of schedule.

I suspend this story for reasons that are, iroinically the concept of tghe arricle.


If you can’t contrrol your own thoughts yet, perjhaps you shgpould practice the idea of pausing emotions till after a celebration.

The problem for me is that I pause all my perils into that space 1 second ahead of now. They were all on VHS though and… hmmm… I listen to my jokes afatrer I type them and then try my best to not withdrawl everyrthing I say because … Being funny on demand is hard, but being friendly and helpful with a laugh is better.

I loose track of what bad thoughts I put away because the ticket was in my last shirt. Probably over 10 years ago. I know a few that I’l keep there until the day somebody else cuts the lock to see whater telivised shorage locker aution of my life/.



Company creates a sdeceret dpocumentary for you. IT is a film of you, telling stories of the items we find together on a tour of your life. For me, I have two tresure chests full of memories from my whole life, with the differen ce is that it was al one way. In essence I hav e a 30 year time capsule wiuth a mailbox door. I have been throing my memories into it since I was 10.

I would love to film segments of me where I am handed an item from the chest, and my eyes either light up with the story, or a dud.

Two of my favourite things are remembering my own memories with a trigger I can’t produce on my own, and sharing those to people who will reward me with smiles and likes.


TADA!  This is the time when I am starting to change some words before I type.

Bing. 4000 points. Level up. My character is learning to think slightly ahead of the recorded now of my two fingers.

I was about to educate you oin the way I use only two fingers and one thumb to type, however the actual trith is we all type in the impact of time. Everything happens bec ause it is now. I have no regrets that I learned to type in the tranbsitional period whre typing with still a girls class in school, just bfeore they chanbged it to keyboarding and used computers.  The first computers oddly chose to be different than typewriters.

As with all my hobbies, I had no initial interst at all in computers. They looked hard and there would probably be a lot of reading.

The first year, a friend of mine took the computer class and through being shown in person I discovered; I can do that.

My best thinking is done with if this equals that then statements, and sidebar subroutines that don’t come in any order are the way I talk.  I speak neste dloops conversationally.


dine ding.

I like that one.  T shirt


I speak nested loops conversatioinally.


I am on;lky a bit comfident it will hold up Just Jeff’s readin when he’s not high.

I joined my friend in his hobby and learned exactlky the minimum amount to fully understand it, and just enough to suddenly be the computer guy to thoise who were not. In the early 80’s most schools had not gotten their first compouters. Acorns and Beavers and some other weird Giovernment OS.

Everyone had a different origin story of jhow they started in computers but at that time, anybody who had an origin story was older than me and had been working in theyeears before the public every considered them for home.  Main Frames.

I learned enough about main frames to cover the first 3 minutes of a conversation with somebody. More if I’;m the expert in the conversation. I adapted and learned the skills of asking questions. It works to both show intert, and also to stop the talking flow lloong enough for mmy brain to be able to hear the words again and rocess them. I may be ble to type pretty fast and talk fo quite some time.  I..

ah.  You as a reader never see my timing. You can only see a seruies of characters across a screen or page and don’t mentally think of each letter as a sound, signifying the mioment of now that NOW was reprsented by that character. If you to hear the clickjing of the keys, you would get to hear the recording of time passing based on the convesion of thoughts from real time getting converted to English and recorded.


Visual image of me sitting in a room looking lkder and I’m just typing. The newxt 10 rooms are just filled with paper.

I had a sudden realizetion that I can not conccieve how my wok will be accepted by a fan who actually enjoys reading. I can writem becuae it’s just recirdung what I think, and I think in words at abouit the same speed as I talked, slowe down just a bit for my typing.

I will go on record saying I wish I’d been able to learn typing the way they did in class. If I didn’t have to see the keys as I type, and see the screen instead, I suspect I would bne ablke to thinkj faster too.

When you match the walking speed of your partner, and don’t remember who used to slow down for who…

I thought I heard an owl.

A whoo Whoo

I used the real thing I made up in my hill and it became a skill set. I have a 13 second audio record ability if I get to use it before the room is too loud and sitracting.

I don’t get to use it too often, but I have been bale to recall how many tones or clicks or rings a second time in my mind toi count.

My numb er for audio thiungs I can recall is higher than my visual pre count number. I think I could say 5 toothpicks fell on the floor with a confidence enough to survive an “are you suuuure” from a woman with an amazing smile.  I usually doubt myself when qanybody else asks me to. I don’t like making decisions that involve other people. I prefer them to make the decsions, but once I learn what you like, it’s easy. That’s chapter 7 in my Stalking Training Vidoes.

Life tip: One of the best reaosns I came up with to say YES to trying even silly things:

You strive fcor the best stories, and give thgat priority over the memory.

If things happened that everyoine is sure to remember, it will be the story of choice at future recallings. It’s much harder to be embarrased at anything you did together with them.

I usually would quote myu line; When all else fails, make sure its a great story.

Today I say; there is nothing wrong in making plkans for a good story in advance. Sometimes I do things just for the story.

Undercover Clown.

New show on CNC. A life long clown, from 9 generations of cloiwsn is out of a job. The circus  lost it’s last grandfatherd lion and the politiocally correct protests in cities the circus never came to shut the klast one down. Lots of people lost thgeir jobs, but clowns were hiot hardest because of that meme that had almostr everyone admitting on camera and to friends that they have always hated  cloiwns.

I was shocked at how many people ouittet themselves as clown hairters to me last year. I found myself saying I wsn’t a fan either… and I think that was just a bandwagon lie. I don’t think I have ever atteb ded an event where the clown was the headliner, and I know I’ve been annoyed by clowns, especially when they use innocets as the one we’ll be laughing at.

I don’t lie it when my friend bothers a stranger. It would make my skin  curl up havinbg to withness the unease in an unwilling center of attention with a clown that is annoying.

I can resopect a good clown. I’ve always looked out to be especially specific when I complimentg a peroirmer. I like to be able to say why I liked that perforemnanc e enough for a personal fan message.

Two years ago I witbnessed first hand the wonderful moment when I sincere and polite fan, gets to interact with an author they love.

Both sides explode in an obvious shjared joy. My first sentence was going to start with the idea that fandom is one way, and a business. I would disagree, and explain that it has evolved from the days sporttsfans were cool when they painted their bodies gold and wriote numb ers on theuir bare chesrts, and fans iof Ster Treek were nerds worthy of a bully attack.

The moment yopu can get a moment shared between the performer who … well, everyone likes the idea they have a fan. It’s the most magical feeling in the world. I have based an entire part of my happiness on the knwoedge that people outside my direcrt ciurcle don’t leave with any crazy theories. The Jeff that lives in the shared now of interaction does fine, and I trust that  new development.

I aprciate nytime I see a juggler in 2016 that can make me stop, smile and appreciate that I have never seen that before. I take the time to see if that performnewr is the originator, or its a known trick he did wlel. I like to praise and follow the person with the firstie. In my perfect universe, the business that made a proiducxt a success would never allow the inventor not toi be rich. I’d love toi see a limit to how much you’re allowed to prfit on another person’s …

Shared fairly anyway. I always hope the inventor made enough money to not live a bitter life watching somebody else buid office towers.

There is a neat movie about the guyt who invented the intermirtend winshield wiper.

— nopises distracted me and I lost the beat.


Oh I like that. Losing the beat is a good set of words to decribe that moment in the stream of typing that I paused, an didn’t have new content. It was one of those breaks I started this conversation about. They happen.

Side thought. I have spent time and thought into whether I can think in both the concious and unconcious minds. If I type and think and spoeak with the conciiouys mind in the now, then am I able to think ahead of time?  Can I prethink in the moment before now, of is the time to think about what I am saying, happening in the spece between words.

DO I think while talking?  I got quiote good at talking right behind another voice…

I am hearing things diferently. I notice sounds distract me mor ethuis week.  I’l kep lookig.

T shirt. I can wrte with my teeth out.

Hmmm.. small markey.  Writers within the toothless community.


I captured it. An example where my brain types a casual statement, but it isn’t till after I’ve let it scroll by that I realize that was me, covering up for the lines above, in cased you didn’t think they were funny. I didn’t call the joke out fo being bad, just not market worthy. It ws the negtive voce with a fake moustache on. Thats a good catch. It educatesd me to realize that every statement I think has a positive or negative influence to it. Thoughts flow through your realiztions with an up or a down impact. The magic skill that can change your life, is first the undferstaning that you get to compose that nature of how you transfer thius memory to the story locker in your brfain. Points for using hashtags. Seriously.

The concept of the hashtagf is a mircle in simplicity. Eseentially the named the search box, adding a charecet and chaged our awareness of the power of search and marketing. The interconectivity of a world that loves it’s own generation of abrievations. I remmeber almost evry od person mentioning how the world today was so much faster than when they were a kid. I observed it and undertood that not onl;y was it true, I estimated that old people might have said that exact same thing in any pioint or century in our existance still be true.  WHen you do somethinmg more than once or twice, it m,akes sense you get better at it.

It makes sense that poeople like shortcuts. sdomebody invented an eletcic can opener and they were in every house but my neigbours in the 80s. I only once met somebody who had never seen one.

There was a moment in the 90s when I was cocky enough to make the statemen t… I’ve been thinking, I bet the next decade won’;t have many inventions. We’ve pretty much alreadyu invented everything. I can’t think of anything new.

It was an awesome stupid statement to make because I was a futiureist. Illoooved change an invnetioon. I watched for the new relkase of cars, and … everything.  My Dad would bring home gadgets before even the rich neighbours. We had generation one versions of evetrhing for the fiorst ione hour max Betamax to the microiwave, dishwasher and tools. I remember whern he brought home thge electronic stud finder. I think it was hundreds of dollars. They’re #4 now. Earl;y adopters pay the price, and in the early days of electronic gadgets, the WOW factor was stioll awesome. You had the wow factor from the people who are not inbto this world, but syil find a piece of tech cool if you’re showing off.

I showed off a lot. I once bought a $2000 cell phone becqause it was so small, it was the OooOoOo of the room.

That high lasted 4 weeks till Motorola reqlased the same phone with two less features for $129 and suddenly everyone owned the Star Tec and the Star Tac was last years model.

I learned first generation early adopters don’t always win. As teh power of the WOW factor faded and computers became mainstreeam enough that showing your cirls your newest phone can be one uped from Granny or the 8 year old kid down teh street.  There is almost no wow factor to hjaving the best gadget now. Even the old cmputers are pretty impressive today.

I don’t even bother with the scerte Dad priciung scheme where you always admit to it being 20% less if youre teling Mom and 20% more if youre telling the story of how awsome this is to abudy.



I wanted to be sure I included some personal updates and observations tonight. It’s Friday and the end of a 4 day high biunge. Hig every night and awake overnighgt wice.

Today I am in the almolst scary state where you’e not getting the depresssion, but the high is gone so you settle at a gray state of awarewness just lacking in caring. When you can’t get an  emotional respeonce frtom preference, you can’t make any choise.  It’s a horrible state. You can’t imagine out of your limited coloour palette of gray.

My uiniverse was 2D today, so I wroite and tried to pull some pride out of the ideas.


I make a statement. Even if everything I have ever writen before this, or ahetever piece is the one we go with as the first share. The bovernight success I hope for that tok 30 years.

If ev erything I’ve ever written is never shared, I will not be sad. I am coming to grips with the undesrtanding that all I ever needed was to like myself enough to have the confidence to be myself in front of others without the extra time spent worrying in the spaces between the woirds.

The NOW Jeff has always had it. I studied. My origin story has a lot of awareness of how cool I am. If my life were a sitcom, I woudln’t be the dumb one. I’d be the annying one that punchlines the scenes with my opinion delivered with a punchline.

You might nmot have noticed it without the laugh track, and as I typed that I realized I don’t actuallyw ant to know if I do it too much. Once I started on my quest to write my own story, I built my origin story path to being a funny prtson in real life. I was the one that started young realzing how laughter made me feel. It was the striongest emotion I could react to that wasn;’t  becauise I screwed up.

I remember being coached that in high school I was coming on too hard. My jokes were not as funny yet, and still came with the A.D.D problem that I take a microsencond longer to pre approve thoughts before I say them, so a lot of my joes were ones other boys might have stopped before they hurt somebdoy.

\I hurtt people with punchlines ofen.  I al;ways saw te joke, not it’s effect. I learned that a punchline works if they think it’s funnhy. Beore we learned it’s possible to not offend with a few changes.

I wan’t a dirty joke guy anyway. I try tyo blend in when somebody gtalks about porn or sex or whatever but in my head I stand out like a mime pretdning to be a waiter. I have overshared. My practice at telling just the right amount of story has been a work in prpgress and I’m so happy that the story of the stories also has a story about how I developed the concept and whether it actually prorgresses, or just becomes what they say about me when I’m gone.

I have always truied to stick to the statement; I don’t regret decisons because I know how I make them. A worry about the other scenario is always a wasted worry. If there is a reason to worry, smebody will callme. I’ll worry when the phone rings.

I wonder. Wil I regte when I’m dead?

When I die, I don’t want to look. I don’t want to hear the funeral. I just achieved a level where I can understand and respect my frfeinds on a sincer level instead of being clueless and thankful they were my freinds anyway.

I used to want to hear the whispers. I used to image ALL the whispers were about me. Now I understand they are all about Janet.  You know who you are.

There is no Janet.


That was about as dirty as I get although I wil swear if it seems to be a reason.

9:40.  Maybe I can sleep and wake up tomorrow well.

MY mood is up a bit. My lips have broken a crest. I almost smiled out of my gray to say I’m happy still. I am reguvinmated and optomistic that the change may come this year. I’m just waiting for the right savior to knock on my door. I’vbe been tryinbg to succed without ever asking for anything.,

I nalso didn’t win the loteries I don’t buy tickets to.

Maybe I’ll find a fan on a web site I haven’t told anybody about.



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