The line between stupid and more stupid
I've always tried to avoid troubleshooting while high. Now that I'm high almost all the time, it's a little trickier.

The line between stupid and more stupid

I was chatting via text with a customer right now. He needs some legitimate tech support. when I say legitimate textbook, I mean he needs some help that will actually require me to think and figure things out and troubleshoot Outlook. It’s always outlook If somebody’s got a problem, they need me for, it’s probably going tobe Outlook. Twent plus years later, and I’m still mostly an Outlook troubleshooter. That’s why I use a copy of Eudora from 1007 for my email. 

In any case, the customers has a problem I haven’t heard of and needs a solution because Outlook is his email program and that’s important to most people, to this person especially. The thing is, I haven’t done a lot of thinking or concentrating on troubleshooting. There is some anxiety to it. Some stress. I freely admit part of that is because I had just gotten spun. As much as I say it doesn’t affect me, it clearly does affect my cognitive thinking abilities.

My first reaction when realizing I felt a bit too cloudy to assist on the phone, I thought maybe I should get higher. In the moment that seemed like a logical answer, not remembering that it almost always feels like the right solution to any problem is to be higher. Of course, apon reflection a moment later, I understood that isn’t the right answer. I need to be less high, not more high. Even if I consider that this particular drug is a concentration and focused drug and should technically help It’s clear that the spun portion is reducing my ability to concentrate for this type of live interaction.

I’m fairly old now, and I don’t get a lot of these tech support questions or the need to focus and concentrate while being supervised. If I can work on a solution alone without the added stress and worry about whether I am sounding stoned or not, it would be fine. But my delayed mental processing can be distracting while on the phone. I’m still hiding my drug usage from the world for the most part, but certainly from the few remaining customers I support. I like to sound competent on the phone, and under the influence of drugs, my mid can wander or stop working briefly – which looks and sounds bad when you’re being paid to be an expert.

I always knew one of the side effects I was warned about is a decline in mental stability, although I can’t really get any definition as to what that means. Today maybe I realized it. If this cloudy mind issue was perminant even off the drugs, would I care? Do I care? I think it’s okay. I’ve been too smart, too long. I can handle being a little less smart in my retirement. I have purposely stopped caring about the horrors of the world. They are easier to ignore than to have them taking up space in my head giving me useless things I have no control over to worry about. 

Now I have anxiety because I’m known for being an excellent troubleshooter, especially in Outlook with 25 years of experience. So I wonder if it’s just in my head and if I start working on it, it will be fine. It’s going to be difficult not to want to get higher to eliminate the anxiety but then make the reason for the anxiety worse Looping.

In a totally unrelated discovery. This particular lighting and camera ankle is fantastic for the green screen. It’s like the best I’ve seen in a long time. O. K. What to do? What to do? I think I need lunch. I need some food We’ll see if that solves it.



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