I wish I could remember more about that episode with Cortney Cox where Seinfelf thought it would be perfect to date somebody just like him. It wasn’t.
I’m currently living wth somebody who is much like me, but 20 years behind. That super weird mixture of self confidence and no confidence. I remember it. Believeing I was great, and wanting the world to know, but too shy to say anything, just in case I wasn’t really great after all. Low self esteme and high self esteme simultaniously.
Back to my original sttement, the William Hung Syndrome. I think I’m great… maybe. I better not risk it by speaking up.
My roomate and I have fights now and then, and it’s almost always when I try to bring to her atention some attribute of her personality I’m familiar with from my past. I’ve known her over 10 years, and for her, those were really important growth years, but she lived a vastlky diferent life than I did. Her home and family life was with her mate and pets in a house. A very solitary life of self education and self doubt. Her boyfriend wasn’yt especially kind to her, and always had a bit of sustain (in my eyes). She was/is not formally eduvated. A poor family upbringing which apparently included mental and perhjaps physical abuse. I’ve never delved into the story details and over the years I’ve gleemed hints. I’ve met her odd parents and can put together a story.
However, mentally I’ve always clicked. Despite being 23 years my junior, we’ve enjoyed many similar things in life, and I’ve had a pretty decent grasp of her nmindset – at least within mine. Although she may be 30, she didn’t live the typical growing up phase of social behavior. She is learning to be 18 at a much later age, as did I.
She ncesses and feels the need to show the world she’s not stupid.
She is not. Like, me, we both believe we’re realy smart, and it’s great to get the opportunity to show others that when the situation is right.
Hiowever, this may be the issue. Rather than click, we now clash. We are no longer a smooth relationship, and our fun conversations now want to top each other. I think I know her, and she denies this and thinks she knows me. Our similarities are still there, but outr diferences clash hard.
I made myself cry again, just bause I raise my voice and get angryt, and that is the emotion I run from. In my head, I can imagine other people bringing out the baseball bat and bashing things. I myself wanted to thrwo things – not at her, but to expell some of the energy I don’t let myself show.
The onky thing that has ever disturbed me in life, if I bring it diwn gto a simple equation, is the inability to explain my point of view. When logic fails in a debate, it is no longer a debate.
At this point, I like to stop. To pause.
I said tio her again this evening. Every cionflict in the history of time ends one of two ways. Either one side convinces the other, or one side decides stop trying to convince the other. There are no other options. Period. It’s win or stop trtying.
WOPR said it best. The only way to win some gfamnes is to not play.
Sadly, this is a method of argument not everyone shares. Some people don’t get the concept and may continue to try to win, or t the very least, try to explain wy their loss isn’t really a loss. Imagine if WOPR tried to explain why it was losing Tic Tac Toe. The game is rigged.
The election is rigged.
The world is rigged.
In tonights arguments, I switched sides a few times, and I gave up a few times. I’m not sure I won anything. I left in tears and uneasy, wanting to throw things and slam doors. Loud protests of uneasness that also sent a message.
I regret this… at leaast in hindsite. I want to be the bigger man… but fighting against a logic confident in the wrong perspective is toughg. I have always written in was a concious decsiosn not to have kids. I can’t handle them. They don’t adhere to logic in a fight and will do things they way they want.
Adults do too. I have as well. When I think I”m right, I’ll fight for it, and voices will raise. I was certain the woman who played Eric Forman’s cute redhead girlfriend was in the movie with Bill Murray. It turns out it was Scarlet Johanson back when she looked pretty identical to Laura Prepon. I would have bet and lost $1000 if anybody would have taken me up on it. When I fiound out I was wrong, I may even have tried to convince people I was wrong with justification.
I almost made a wab page up comapring the two and searching the Internet to find the very best photos of each that made me look just a little bit less wrong. I hated being found so wromng. I hated the image of me being less than perfect. Flawed.
She is the same, although still in the stage before this self discovery. WHen we contrast, facts don’t need to be heard. I get it. Why listen to the contrasting debate if you know it’s the wrong answer. That’s a waste of time. Instead, trhe opposition should lkisten to my speach. It’s my duty to convince you my truth is the reight one. That I hve the best story, and should win.
She’s right and I’m blah blah blah.
The problem is, when dealing with smart people, quite often they are. I give in and cross the floor to their sie all the time… but when I don’t, the fight begind.
And I don’t fight well… because changing the mind of a smart person used to being rightm, when they believe in their heart of hearts they are is futile… or at least a really hard thing tio do. First you have to get them to shut uop and listen; to slow down and not fight. To be open to the idea that your debate team has prepared good info.
That often doesn’t happen.
So I strop trying, and get mean… or sarcastic, which is just a humerists way of being mean. Then the opposition is paying attention to the hurt, not the fight and nobdy wins.
I hte hurting people, and yet it seems I do it all the time. I swore I neer wopuld, but I fight and say things that hurt people. Not things I don’t mean, but things I should not say, epecially in battle. All should not be fair in love and war. We should alwys be respectful, bit in aner, voice tarvels faster than my brain… a side efect of the way I’m built and bright up I suspect.
If I can’t convince you that you’re wrong… I have to try to come at it from the side, or the rear. I have to try alternative tactics.
… or don’t.
I try that. Lets agree to disagree doesn’t work at yelling volume, but it’s my best tactic. No I don’t want to try another round of Tic Tac Toe… would you like to play a game of chess?
I don’t care that you think you can convince me there is a way to win. Can we please play chess?
This happened tonight. I tried to retreat. I tried to change the topic. I tried to say; Ok… but I have to be careful. It’s a tric – a skill – a talent to get out of a fight without sarcasm or condesention. If you wish to get away mid fight without being right or wrong, and the other person is still heart sent on beinhg right and proving to you they are, it’s hard.
I suppose I have not mastered it. If I say; Yes… I agree, they may not believe, and keep fighting.
I tried that first.
Imgine if Tic Tac Toe was played on a 3000 square grid, but was still not possible to win against anyone beyond the age of 5. I don’t know how old you are before you relie tic tac toe is the dumbest game in the world and your parents have been lieing to you aboit losing all those other times.
Am I sulking? I’m doing the scarlet thing… I didn’t win, but I have to explain to you why losing wasn’t an embarrasement. Why I can still be perfect and not win.
Will you still respect me?
THis writing was a release. The textual equivilant of throwing. I know it may…
Argh. I was about to …
Ok.. I’m distracted. I answeed a phone call and now I am calmer and my negative voice is already trashing the writing.
In summary, I hate fights. They really are pointless, but I understand some people need them, and trying to say; THE END in the middle doesn’t go over well. I wish it did. Apparently it’s rude, although in my head, arguing at raised tones with each of us trying to convince the other that A is really B is not a valuable way to spend a 30 minute car ride.
I wanted to point out the window and say; Oh Look, A zeppelin… but the sky was dark. I wanted to say; can we regroup and revisit this topic later, but I was told that’s what I always do, and nothing gets resolved. I wanted to say; It is resolved. There is a fact here, and I get it – you don’t…. but that probably would also not have been well receiueved.
It seems we had ti fight, despite it being a Kobiasi moment for me. No win situation. I can’t be right, and I don’t accept being wrong.
Logic fails. I once tried… Stop. Lets evalute. In this debate, one of us is right, and one of us is wrong. We both feel we’re the one on the right side, and don’t want to give up. I’d like to suggest that making each other feel misreable over this is futile and pointless.
Remember. Every conflict ends with either a win or a draw, and a draw just means the winer decided it wasn;’t worth it to keep trying tio win.
The onky way to win, is to not play the game.
Lets not fight. I’ll hod my win insode, and bring it up every chance I get for the net 30 years, but I don’t want tio fight.
I want to go to sleep.
I want to have happy thoughts, not the dreams that I crushed you with a sarcastic blow, or a mean attack. I don’t want to win in battle.
I don’t need to win.
In the end, it’s fine if you are wrong. I’d rather be eating apple pie.
Why am I not already dreaming.
Lets both go to sleep happy, and thinking we’re right.
I’ll win tomorrow with a calmer voice.
or I won’t.
Who knows. Maybe I was wrong all along.
It happens. Laura Prepon wishes I was right, but the world loves Scarlet.
pride level for this blog: undecided.