This was… Is a big moment. I am currently wallowing in a bit of a sad spell which I can attributes to a lot of things. Memories of the last 8 days, but especially this past weekend where I deliver deeper into the inner mind and universe and briefly, was a genius. I was content that I had figured out many things and even came to the understanding that there was never enough time to share my understanding because… Well, just because for now.
Most of it was fun.
I seem a bit changed this morning, and my mind scans the room and it;’s memory to come to terms with how to return to my everyday life. What has changed? How Wil each moment be different.?
It may be hard, or it may just take a few hours or days to get back to my routine, but that routine is now itself, something I can evaluate from a new perspective. I am on a path into the unknown future with only the tools of my past to help, and since I’m not happy with the me in many ways, I understand I can change it.
There is a point in each time I try, that I decide to give up and start something else instead. There more I do this, the more I can scan my memory an see that it’s a lot. I have a lot of abandoned starts and thinking about them as failures can make me sad.
Even now, as I sit here and yawn despite having slept nearly 24 hours… Perhaps more. I can not clearly decide what to do. What to return to and try to remain motivated enough to complete before that trigger hits that allows me to justify quitting.
There is a point to quit everything, and for me it seems to come earlier. When the brain cells are starting to divide between two or more attentions and at some point, I stop flipping back to one.
It happens during Evey aspect of life. The moment you decide to give up on this, and start on that. It will happen to this blog soon. The moment I decide I can never stop typing or I have to. A conscious choice to stop this conversation, this walk, this project, this drawing, this song.
Stop thinking about the universe.
My sadness comes in the idea that I always stop when it gets too… Not hard… When I
When words don’t describe it. When I realize it isn;t good enough. When I use my memories to guess that it won’t be good enough.
When there is a pause in what I am doing or thinking, it’s like staring at 2 doors, that suddenly become 3 and 4 and 100 doors. I know what each door is, but I can’t decide which one to open and procedures thigh because I know I can not finish the task, so is adding to it really of value.
The pause of design makes me tired and want to sleep, where decisions are brought to me without me having to decide.
I am cold. I am hot. I have no food or drink in my body for far too long. The choice to get stressed and go out seems enormous. I can see the time needed to do each thing.
I want to choose sleep, like it;ll be easier after a nap.. But this is not true. A nap would lead to me not waking up. I’ve let Tuesday become my Monday too many times.
I had a brief moment of excitement when I thought today Wil be a new day. I will be motivated and get thigs done because it will feel good. Then my memory shows me the times I’ve felt that way before, and I still stopped.
The thoughts in the pauses between words. The grass on the other side of the fence distracts me, and more joy comes from starting another open project and leaping to it.
My head is cloudy. An excuse. I have decided to choose the option that makes me less sad, but life throws new obstacles at me. There is much to be sad about.
I can stare at nothing a lot longer today. I can sit about to type a key for what seems like forever. I need food and drink. This has to be my priority. Let’s see how many things come in my way to delay or stop that goal.
So many thoughts I could type. I have GTO be content with none, and just do.